Saturday, December 27, 2014

Six Months, Already?!

Well happy birthday, sweet child!! You are officially six months old today! What a whirlwind this time has been--so amazing, so filled with joy and blessings. I love you so much and that love grows just as quickly as you seem to!

We also just had Christmas...it was difficult not to be with you on your first Christmas, but I received pictures from your mom and you looked so adorable and happy! She finally put you in a tutu!! Those are my favorite!! While I missed being with you on one of my favorite holidays, I was reminded of what a blessing you are to so many.

There are so many connections between adoption and the story of Jesus...God had to send His Son to earth and let another man and woman raise Him. While God knew there was a bigger plan, I can only imagine that He felt similar to how I felt letting you leave with another mommy and daddy. It gives me some comfort that we have an awesome God who is with me and you as we continue on this journey! He was certainly aware of the plans He had for your life and I believe that he brought your parents and I together in order to give you the best life possible.

But back to your birthday!! Well, half birthday...I'm still celebrating because for babies, you get to enjoy each and every month. :) So much has happened in the last six months--you are a proud stander already! Last time we came to visit, you wanted to stand the whole time; it was so cute. You are also getting better at hand-eye coordination and you have found your feet, which you can easily bring up to your mouth.

Your adoption was finalized on December 11! That was such a big day for all of us. I was able to go into the court room and be with your family as everything was finalized. Your mom cried and your dad tried not to, but he's a softy when it comes to your mom. It was so beautiful and it just created such a peace in my heart. I know that they are the perfect parents for you and they love you so much--they've been praying for you for so long. I hope you never forget how much they love you and care for you.

I'm so excited because my mom and I will be coming to see you on Wednesday this week!! I can't wait to hold you and hear your sweet giggle!!

I love you, baby girl!


xoxo

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Dear Charlie

Dear Charlie,

Today is a big day for you because today your adoption will be finalized. As your first mommy, I'm struggling with a mix of emotions going into this day. Though there is some sadness as I awoke this morning, I am more overjoyed and excited for you. I've been tossing and turning all week, knowing that this day was coming but as I've prayed and re-lived this last year of my life with you, I feel content. I know that you are also very content.

You don't know it yet, but you are such a happy, easy going and sweet baby. You smile often, grab fingers tightly, squeak and squeal in the most adorable way and your giggle lights up a room (and my heart.) Your new mommy and daddy give you lots of kisses and play silly games with you. Your daddy loves kissing you so much that he shaved his manly beard off just so your soft skin wouldn't get irritated! One time I was helping your new mommy change your diaper and she gave you kisses all over your face and then snorted and you laughed like it was the funniest thing you'd ever seen. Moments like that make my heart so happy!

So today, Uncle Andre' and I are going to drive over to see you and go to the court house with your new family! This is so exciting! It's also a bit nerve wracking because I haven't met any of them yet...but I feel like I know them already, because we all have been loving you this entire time. We are connected by you, sweet angel. You have brought all of us so much joy and you don't even know it yet.

After today, your name will no longer legally be Charlie Yvette Paulson. You know, when I was pregnant with you, I didn't know if I should choose a name for you...I didn't know if I could allow myself to bond like that with you, knowing that one day I would be placing your for adoption. However, I am so glad that I did. Choosing a name for you made me love you so much more and even though you only had that name for 5 1/2 months, it means something to me. I hope one day, you will find it special as well.

One good thing about your parents is that I LOVE the name they have chosen to give you for the rest of your life! I think it is absolutely beautiful and the meaning behind it is close to my heart, just as it is close to their hearts. They had several names they were thinking about, all of which had special meanings, but the one they ended up choosing was my favorite.

I can't wait to see you today, little girl! And I feel so blessed and honored to continue to be a part of your life. I look forward to seeing you grow, learn, love and spread joy to everyone you meet. You will always be in my heart, and a part of my heart will always be with you. God has truly blessed both of us. I want you to know that God is so good, faithful, merciful and loving. I don't know if I would be able to make all of the decisions I have without God behind me. You are from God and I know that you will be protected by Him for your entire life.

A sweet soul had to remind me of this, and I hope you remember this your entire life: Jesus was also adopted. Jesus was raised by two wonderful parents and He loved them so dearly. He also remained close to His Father, God. I'm starting to think that they had the first open adoption. I hope you know just how much you are loved by God, myself, your parents and all of the family that you are now a part of.

I love you forever and ever.

XOXO, Mom

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Why She Will Always Be My Daughter

So I received an e-mail from someone I don't know who told me that I should not refer to myself as a mother and I should stop calling Charlie my daughter. They stated that because I chose to give up my rights and "give her up" for adoption, I shouldn't be able to call her my daughter anymore. It was short and direct, but I would like to publicly respond to that e-mail because I feel like perhaps I could shed some light on why I refuse to call Charlie anything but my daughter.

I know and understand that I signed a document to terminate my parental rights for Charlie. I know that on December 11, 2014 the adoption will be finalized. I know that on paper, she is now the daughter of two other wonderful parents. I know that these parents will call her their daughter and I LOVE hearing them do so. I know that Charlie will grow up calling them mommy and daddy and I look forward to hearing her do so.

What I also know is that this child came from me. I am a mother who made the best and hardest choice for my child. She will always be my daughter. The fact that someone would expect me to refer to her as anything other than that is weird to me.

I will admit that reading that e-mail was hurtful and caused my heart to go through all of the emotions that I have had to work through since the moment I found out I was pregnant with her. So to whoever wrote it, I forgive you. You obviously don't understand what adoption is like and you clearly don't know me personally. What I know is that if my heart is big enough to see outside of my own desires to raise my perfect little child and instead do what is in her best interest, that same heart is big enough to endure whatever bullshit  bull-honky you send my way.

I hope that people understand that open adoption is much more complex than just some legal documents. The legal portion of this only puts the adoption itself into terms and does nothing regarding the "open" portion of things. The relationship that I have with her parents and her is purely based off of our mutual understand of the importance of me remaining a part of her life and the fact that we all love this little girl so much. There is not a document that they had to sign to guarantee me visits with Charlie. That was all verbal and required a lot of trust between the three of us.

I don't know what our future looks like or what our relationships will flourish into, but what I do know is that Charlie will forever be my beautiful daughter and I still love her and cherish my time with her, just as any mother does. I am a mother. Charlie's adoptive mom is also a mother. Children are capable of loving more than just one parent, right? So why is it so hard to think that she could find love for her parents and myself? I come from divorced parents who both remarried....I love all of them. They all take up important spots in my heart and I care about what they think of me. Humans are completely capable of loving many people, isn't that wonderful?!

I hope this wasn't too ramble-y or random, but I just wanted to get my heart emptied about this e-mail because it has been weighing on me.

By the way-look how adorable and precious MY DAUGHTER is!



xoxo

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

So It Happened...

I've been meaning to write this post since my last visit to see Charlie but I've been so busy with the holidays and work, I'm just now finding the time to put this out there. Oh, and this post is mainly for any birth mom's who may be reading this...but obviously I'm happy for anyone to read and go through this experience with me. :)

So at our last visit, Charlie finally hit that phase where she gets nervous and shy around people she doesn't recognize. When we walked in, she was a little overwhelmed and started to cry a little bit. Luckily her mom was holding her and when I hugged her mom, she sort of realized that I was an OK person. Within 5 minutes she was happy in my arms and we cuddled the rest of the time we shared together.

I had mentally prepared myself for that moment and so that helped to lessen the sting of her not recognizing me. But it still does bring me a tinge of sadness that she is only going to recognize her new parents for awhile. I wish that I could be the face she wakes up to and goes to sleep with. I wish that it was my arms she reached for when she is scared. I wish that she only felt safe when she knows I am around.

Someday, I hope to be someone she can talk to and feel safe with...it just may take some time to get to that point. She's just a baby after all....just an innocent, precious, carefree child that has no idea what her life has been like up to this point. She only knows this moment and the people who are in front of her day in and day out. And that's OK.

The things that I know are constant in her life include a multitude of people who love her fiercely. That is all that I could want for my daughter....she is loved and cared for by so many people. It's so funny that in the beginning of all of this, all I focused on were the two parents who would be raising her...when in reality, she got two entire families to love her! That's in addition to my family. It's almost unfair how much love she has! I can't wait for the day she realizes just what that means for her...I hope her heart will always be full.

xoxo

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

ADOPTION ROCKS!

Happy National Adoption Month, everyone!! This is such a wonderful time to raise awareness of the fantastic choice women have in adoption. Being faced with an unplanned pregnancy is scary and difficult, trust me I know. There are a million voices shouting about abortion, but I want these women to know there are other choices. Choices that can not only save the life of your child, but bring so much joy to your life and others. Adoption is, hands down, the best choice I have ever made in my life. My daughter is a rock star and because of her, I want to be a better person. That is why I started this blog-to change the shouting voices from abortion to adoption.

I was asked back onto the wonderful Life Right Now radio/podcast this last week and was able to talk through some of my adoption story and what I would say to a woman who is considering abortion. I can't express to those of you who may be going through this how much joy I feel today. The last year has been difficult, but I can walk with my head held high because I know I did the right thing. Lets start focusing on empowering women to make positive choices, not only for themselves but for the lives of others.

If you'd like to listen into my interview, here is the link: http://liferightnow.net/

My interview was on 11/8/14 and starts about 20 minutes in.

If you have any questions or just need someone to talk with about what you are going through, feel free to e-mail me or comment below. I would love to be a resource for you, and if I can't be, I know where I can send you for help.

xoxo

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Choosing Life

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that Joni Ernst is going to be the first woman to represent Iowa in the US Senate. Ms Ernst is also a wildly conservative Republican and is passionate about the pro-life movement.

A lot of my friends are, for a lack of better words, pissed off that she won last night and claim that the women in Iowa will no longer have basic rights and that we are now stuck in the 1800's for the next six years. I understand both sides of this argument, I really do, but I think people are labeling Ernst's view on pro-life incorrectly.

She is not against women and their right to choose. She is FOR the child and their right to life. 

Say what you will about when life actually starts, be is at conception or when they first come out of the womb. Joni obviously believes that life begins at conception and I have to agree with her. Why is it OK for an expectant mother to rejoice the moment she finds out she is pregnant and begin dreaming of this future child's life, but if you are raped you get to decide that the life you are carrying isn't really a life at the time of conception? Does a life that begins from what is clearly an awful event not deserve the same sort of chance of life? 

Obviously for me this is a really sensitive subject and I know that I will have a lot of people against my own views on the subject, but I thank God every day that my sweet Charlie is here. I don't care how she came to be, I'm just so happy she is in this world and I get to know her. My situation started with a horrible event but look at how much goodness has come out of it. When you see the face of this beautiful child, you know that choosing life is the best option. 

Yes, it is hard to carry a child that you aren't ready for but it's a small portion of your life that goes by all too quickly. And when you think about the parents you can make so happy by placing a child in their arms, you can literally change their lives. Nothing about it is easy...but I can't imagine that it is easy to have an abortion either. Living with that would be so hard. I think it would be harder than going through a pregnancy and adoption process, honestly. 

In the end, I regret nothing. Choosing life is the most important thing I have ever done with my life. I am thankful that more children will be getting the right to life here in Iowa.

Cos this is the face of a girl who is ready to live....and ready to party!!


xoxo


Thursday, October 23, 2014

An Update...

When you're in the midst of carrying a child, your mind can only handle a certain amount of information/thoughts/feelings/worries/etc. That was very true for me and my pregnancy; I could only see the impact this would have on me and I didn't have the emotional capability of thinking about life after she was born. I'm of the belief that it is probably a good thing that I wasn't burdened by more than I was because I doubt I could have handled all of it. I think God has a way of protecting us from ourselves sometimes....I'm glad He was watching out for me back then.

However, here we are now...almost four months after Charlie was born and I'm dealing with the aftermath. It's hard. I don't know if there's a word that can actually explain what I feel...I guess hard is as close to is as I will get. But I just want to be clear that when I say this is hard, that does NOT mean I regret anything or that I am second guessing myself. I'm simply saying that this part of the adoption process is hard.

I also want to acknowledge that this is really hard for other people in my life; my mom in particular. Every day I get photos from Charlie's mom and I have been instructed to immediately forward them onto my mom. I, of course, love sending the photos to my mom because we both cherish this baby so much. My mom was with me the entire time I was in the hospital and she was the first person to hold Charlie. She loves this little girl so much....and so for her, she is learning how to deal with watching her first biological grandchild being raised by someone else. We have moments where we both just get teary eyed looking at pictures of her...and I can't tell you how many times my mom will say, "I just can't wait to hold her again." This just makes my heart break for my mom...I know exactly how she is feeling. Going 4-6 weeks without seeing Charlie is miserable. But those few hours of being with her are so awesome!

I've scheduled a fun visit for everyone in my family to see her in November and we are all really excited! This is the kind of stuff that helps get us through...knowing that we have a visit to look forward to helps so much. I have it on my planner with a big red heart around it!

Another thing that is helping me process and move forward is that I am making advances in my own life. When I got pregnant, it was like my world was put on hold. I moved back in with my parents and my world revolved around this child. Now it's like I have to re-learn how life goes. I've moved out of my parents and I'm working a really great job. I bought a new car and I'm just focusing on bettering myself. I've started to take anti depression medication again, but I refuse to feel bad about that. I needed some help in balancing myself out and I'm choosing to get that help. That is a good thing.

I'm really actually quite happy in my life. I know that I did the right thing when it came to choosing to carry and give life to Charlie. I know that I chose an amazing set of parents for her and I am excited for her adoption to be finalized. She is so much a part of my life and I think about her every day...I have her pictures all over my phone and I use them as a slide show on my computer at work. But I'm also learning how to live on my own again. To be in healthy relationships and to make sure I'm OK.

This post wasn't really about anything in particular, I guess....just more of an update on everything.

 Here's my cutie pie in her first pair of jeans! Look how big she is getting! She definitely will be a tall lady!

xoxo

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Building Relationships with the Adoptive Parents

One of the most crucial parts of having an open adoption is the relationship you build with the parents you are choosing for your child. It's something that will be ongoing, but it is the one relationship that will help make your relationship with your child the best that it can be.

Obviously the first step in building this is choosing the parents. I was fortunate in that I only met one set of parents and I fell in love with them from day one. I actually kinda loved them before I met them because their book meant to much to me. Later when I told them how much I enjoyed their book/story, they told me they were actually thinking about changing their book! I'm so glad I got the original. I actually still have their book and keep it safe with a bunch of other keepsakes I've got saved for Charlie.

While you're meeting the parents for the first time, there are a lot of things to consider. You must protect yourself and your heart, of course, but you also want to protect their hearts as well. This is a two way street and a lot of times the parents feel like the birthmom holds all the cards. What is interesting is that I actually felt the opposite. I wanted them to agree to raise my daughter so badly, I didn't want them to say no because they didn't like me or something. Looking back I see that I was being silly in my thinking....they wanted a child and they loved me before they even met me just for considering them as parents.

That's another thing-the word considering is going to be the most overused term before you give birth. My adoption agency works really hard to protect all parties involved, so I wasn't actually able to say that I was choosing them as parents, or even that I was choosing adoption. I was merely considering everything. This is so that I don't feel coerced into doing it, as well as protecting the parents from getting their hearts overly invested. We all were working to avoid any sort of heartbreak in the event that I would choose to parent Charlie.

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So anyway....while everyone's timeline will be different, here are just a few things to keep in mind while you work to build this extremely important relationship....

1. Remember who you are doing this for: your child. This baby has got to remain your focus because they are the most important person in this entire thing. Love them enough to work at making your time with these new parents wonderful.

2. Always be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. In my mind, these two people are an extension of my family. I love them like family and I treat them as such. Trust and honesty are the foundation for any relationship. If that trust is broken, you have nothing.

3. Understand that this is hard for both of you. Both parties are putting themselves out there; this is not a commonality and there's no rule book for how it should go. Everyone feels very vulnerable and that's OK. Refer to rule number #1 for a confidence boost.

4. Whatever you say or do, say and do it in love.

5. If you have questions or concerns at any point, ask your adoption agency. They do this for a living and I promise you they have been asked just about everything before. They have answers and if they don't, they'll find one for you.

6. Don't feel pressured to have "talking points" at every meeting with the potential parents. Let the conversation happen naturally, you'll learn so much more about these people and truly get a sense of what they are like by doing so. I loved watching Charlie's parents interact with each other; they reminded me so much of my parents. That is one of the reasons I chose them....I just felt so comfortable with them.

7. Be prepared to cry. A lot. This is a really hard process, you're pregnant and you have emotions. It's OK. They will cry a lot, too. There is a lot of emotion that goes into the adoption process and it can be overwhelming at times. That's where rule #4 will come in handy.

8. If you need it, bring your support group/person/people/lamp/shirt/bra/whatever with you. For me, it was my parents. They were with me at all but 2 meetings with Charlie's parents. They were such a comfort to have with me...however, be aware that by bringing people into this, they will also become emotionally invested in the parents/baby. This will be hard for them as well.

9. When you are in the hospital and have had your child, you call the shots. You need to know where you are at emotionally and if you can handle/want the potential parents there. I thought it would be great for them to be there, but seeing them hold Charlie for the first time was like a knife in my heart. Looking back, I wish I would have waited and slowed my way into that. So please, don't feel pressured to do anything. This is your time with your baby. Cherish that.

10. When all else fails, refer to rule #1. This child will be one of the best things that ever happens to you; I promise you that. Adoption is hard and the process is long and stressful, but that child is nothing be love, awesomeness and joy. All of this pain you are feeling right now will be smacked in the face with the intense joy you get when you see their face for the first time. There is nothing like it.

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I hope these ideas/thoughts help anyone who may be going through this same thing. If you have questions or want to know more about my story, don't hesitate to email me.

xoxo

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Oh, What a Difference a Year Can Make

So today is the first of October! I love October for a few reasons; I ADORE this autumn weather in Iowa, I have quite a fondness for Halloween and most importantly, my birthday is this month! I will be 26 this year and I am super excited to have been blessed with another great year of life.

As I reflect back on what this last year has been like, I realize that it was around this time last year that I found out I was pregnant with Charlie. I think back to the emotions and thoughts I was having at this time and I can't believe how much my life has changed since then. If I'm being completely honest with myself (and all of you readers) I must admit that my life was not what it should have been a year ago. I put myself into situations that allowed people to take advantage of me and ended up causing myself and the people I care the most about a lot of pain. Luckily for all of us, this pain ended up turning into joy and things worked out. But it took a lot to get us to this point. 

When you first start visiting the OB when you are pregnant, they have you take this test to evaluate where you are at mentally and emotionally. I just like to call it the "Depression Test." I took this test several times throughout the pregnancy and even had to take it at my 6 week post-pardum check up. The first time I took it, I apparently flagged myself for some serious concern. As I handed the paper back to my nurse, she asked me if these answers were accurate. I agreed that they were indeed very accurate and taking the evaluation made me realize that I really was dealing with some depression. 

They followed that test with some more verbal questions and I was shocked that I was able to answer honestly. The one question that scared me the most was when she asked if I had any thoughts of hurting myself or ending my life. Sadly, my answer was yes. I was in such a darkness with everything that was going on, I thought it would be better for everyone if I just made this whole thing go away, including myself. I've never had serious thoughts of this before in my life and it scared me that I was now. It was like I knew it was wrong to do something like that, but I couldn't see outside of my own situation enough to forget the other negative thoughts. 

After having that conversation with the doctor, they put me on some anti-depression meds (yes they were safe for baby) and it started to help. I think it also helped that I started making plans and taking action on behalf of Charlie. I was preparing for her birth and trying to set up a life for her that I wanted her to have. All of these things helped make me feel like I wasn't the worst person on the planet. 

So again, as I reflect on the last year and all that has happened, I am simply amazed at how God has truly provided the love, grace and mercy through what I refuse to call a "trial," but rather a mountain that I had to climb. Climbing mountains isn't a bad thing, in fact some crazy people do it for fun. (I'll never understand that, I'm quite content here on the ground.) But there is this song called, "For Every Mountain" that I grew up listening to and my favorite singer in the world, Mary Heaberlin (who I hope sees this) sings all the time around the churches in Des Moines. The song talks about how we have so much to be thankful for, how there are blessings and open doors that God provides us every day. And that it is only after we have gotten over these mountains in our lives that we can truly see all of these great blessings and mercies. That is exactly how this last year of my life has been. 

I couldn't see the good a year ago, but I am overwhelmed with it now. Charlie is nothing but GOOD. She is amazing and her chunky little legs make me about the happiest mama in the world. I adore her and the life she is going to have on this earth. I think most moms would never want their children to experience these mountains in life because they can be so difficult to get over, but I pray that Charlie does have her own mountains to face. She will have so much support, just like I did, to get over them and then she will be able to see the glory of what God has planned for her. God has already brought her through so much and she doesn't even know it yet. While I pray for these mountains to cross Charlie's path, I also pray that she has the strength and faith enough to overcome them. That is what I'm sure my parents were praying for me this last year (and probably my whole life) and luckily, I did. I know that Charlie will also have parents who pray for her faith, too. 

So basically what I'm saying is, life can be challenging sometimes but DO NOT give up on life. Life is so beautiful and it is worth living. It is worth protecting. I value life today more than I ever thought was possible. I want all lives to be lived and cherished. And when I think about it, life is so short. I've only been here 25 years, but I know that life can change or end for me very quickly. I want to make the most of it while I have it still. I hope you will do the same. 



xoxo

Thursday, September 25, 2014

A Note About Him

So I've had some people ask me about the father of Charlie and how he has played into this story. I don't want to dwell or spend very much time on him because I still have a lot of negative feelings towards him, even now. I don't want to write anything on this blog that I will regret or that is said in anger. So I'm going to be brief and factual about him.

He knows that a child resulted in the events that took place that night. He chose to not be an active member/player in the choices made during my pregnancy. He continues to make stupid choices with his life, so I feel like it's a good thing that he wasn't involved with anything. He was served papers to come to court in order to at least have a chance at being a part of Charlies life and he never showed.

He is a coward.

Despite the anger and hurt that I feel, I mostly just feel bad for him. He is missing out on such a wonderful, amazing and extraordinary girl. He will have to live with this forever. I don't think he'll truly grasp the reality of this whole thing until he has children of his own. Seeing your child for the first time is life changing. He missed that with Charlie. He missed her first breaths of life, her first cries, her first noises, her first smile, her first everything. He will miss everything with her. How sad is that?

I also grieve for Charlie. I know that she will, one day, want to know who he is and why he isn't around. I dread the day when I will have to tell her the whole story. Luckily, that time is years and years from now, so I'm not going to dwell on it. I just plan on loving her every moment of her life.

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Everyone's story is different. I want to acknowledge the fact that many fathers who are faced with the difficult decisions involved with an unplanned pregnancy do stand by the mother and become part of the solution. I imagine that it would be quite difficult for a father to create an adoption plan, just as it is difficult for the mother. But for those men who make the right decision, I thank you. I wish more people could be like you. So again, thank you.

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As I said before, I don't want to write any of this post with anger in my heart because I do value him for one thing: He helped me make Charlie. She wouldn't have come into my life, into her new parents lives, without him. Granted a very small part of him was needed, but nonetheless, he helped. I would go through everything again if it meant getting to have her in my life. I don't regret anything when it comes to her. She is worth it all. Creating life is worth it all.

xoxo


Wednesday, September 24, 2014

What Not To Say About Adoption...

I am so happy that I am able to share my story and help educate people on what adoption, open adoption, and what being a birth mom is like. I have been able to actually share my heart and not feel like it's this big secret that no one can know about. Ultimately, it's just been a relief and I feel like I can just be myself because I have no secrets.

Since I started sharing my story and opening up about Charlie and my relationship, I have been able to have a lot of great conversations with friends and even people I have just met about it. While I know that open adoption is a relatively new concept, and talking about placing your child with two other people to care for her is a little bit uncomfortable to talk about, I just want to educate you on what NOT to say to people involved with adoption.

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There seems to still be this stigma related with adoption that I just cannot tolerate and I need to make myself very clear: The reason I placed Charlie with her adoptive parents was NOT because I didn't want her. If I hear anyone ever say that moms give their children up because they didn't want them, I will seriously go ballistic on you. What would be even worse would be to hear someone tell a child that their parents didn't want them and that's why they are adopted.

PEOPLE: ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!!

I want Charlie so bad it breaks my heart every day. I LOVE her more than she will possibly know...at least not until she has children of her own. That is the only way she could understand the love a mother has for her children. The idea of letting her go to these other parents was heart breaking, but I knew that it was the right thing. I wanted her to have all that they could offer her. I couldn't give her a father, a home, stability, etc. What is amazing is that the things that I could offer her, like love, grace, advice, cuddles...I still get to give her those things. She will always get that from me. So please-don't question my desire to "keep" her.

I did keep her when I chose to give her life.

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Another thing that bothers me is the wording that is given to adoption. I did not "give her up." I placed her with two parents who will be adopting her. I literally chose these two human beings for her. I did not make that choice lightly and I have no regrets about the parents I gave to her. I love them so much and they love her and I just as much.

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One question that is, to me, a silly question....it almost makes me laugh, actually: Was it hard?

Was it hard? Um. YES. It was hard. It was hard for everyone in my family. It still is hard. It's even hard for the adoptive parents. They struggle with feelings of guilt, like they took this child away from me. There will be hard parts of this whole thing for our entire lives. There is no doubt that adoption, from all aspects, is hard. OBVIOUSLY. I just pray that God will grant all of us enough love and grace for each other so that we can move through these "hard" moments and continue to do everything that is in the best interest of Charlie. She was not hard. She was the best part of all of this.

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Finally, one thing I wish had never happened to me was an encounter with a complete stranger while I was still pregnant with Charlie. I was maybe 25 weeks along at this point. I was still working at Lane Bryant and was helping a customer in her dressing room when we realized we were both pregnant. It was exciting at first because we could share stories about how our pregnancies were going, but when I started talking about how I was making an adoption plan for her, she decided she would offer me some "woman to woman" advice. What she said next will forever haunt me and it still makes me sick. She told me that she once found herself with an unplanned pregnancy a couple of years ago. She didn't find out until she was about 20 weeks along, and she thought about keeping it, but ended up googling ways to force a miscarriage. She gave me the specifics of how to do it and suggested that I do the same because doing adoption would be so much harder. As she was speaking to me, I literally felt myself getting woozy, light headed, sweaty and most of all, nauseous. I had to run to the bathroom to make it to a toilet in time.

Was this lady for real?! She just told me how to kill my child. The child that I had just been to the doctor to see. The child I had picked a name for. The child I was already madly in love with.

So for those of you who think you may know what's "best" for women who find themselves with an unexpected pregnancy, don't even start. If you support a woman's choice to do what she wants with her body, then let her make her own choices.


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Well that pretty much sums it up....if I come across anything else, I'll be sure to add it to this blog.

Basically, a good rule of thumb when talking about adoption is to do so in love. Let your words be spoken with a positive spirit because it deserves to be a positive occasion. Adoption is beautiful. Really, really beautiful. Lets start to make it that way.





xoxo

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Today Is A Big Day!

So today is a pretty important day in the adoption process for our little Charlie. In order for her new parents to be able to pursue adoption, my and the father's parental rights had to be terminated. I signed a document several weeks ago in order to terminate mine, but because the father has not been an active participant in any of this, they had to summon him to court. That court hearing was today, and (shocker) he didn't show up, so the judge is then allowed to sign over his rights for him. So now that we have moved passed this hurdle, the new parents can officially start the adoption process!

I was so excited to get this news today, I immediately wrote a little message to the mom and shared my joy for her and their family. She was crying tears of joy and relief as she had also heard the news. It really is so beautiful to see how excited and happy they are to be given the opportunity to raise this beautiful little girl. She will soon become part of their family forever and I am so excited for them, but more importantly, I'm excited for Charlie. She has such amazing parents in these two people and will have a truly beautiful life ahead of her.

Little Charlie is starting to really take in the world...in the pictures I get, she seems to really be looking around and observing what a wonderful place God has created for us. She has also been more smiley and seems to be developing quite a personality! She loves people and being social...her mom was telling me that they had friends over the other night and Charlie wouldn't go to sleep until after they had left. She's like me that way...doesn't want to miss all the fun! Can't blame her, she's so loved by all of her new family and friends. Who wouldn't want to spend time with them?

Well, here's to the beginning of a wonderful, rich, blessed and loving life for you, sweet baby girl. Wherever your heart may take you, I will always be there. I love you so much! Can't wait until you are able to really understand just how much I love you!!




xoxo

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Two Months of a Beautiful Life

Happy two month birthday, sweet baby Charlie! I am having a hard time comprehending the idea that you entered the world just a short two months ago! So much has happened in your life and I love seeing how much you've grown. You've recently started smiling and I love seeing your eyes sparkle with joy. It melts my heart and reminds me every day why I did what I did. 

I still have moments of extreme sadness, but I can still find joy when I think about what a wonderful life you will have. We have started the period of time where I will do monthly visits instead of weekly. I wish I could hold you and give you a million kisses on this special day. Well, I wish I could do that every day. But you better believe I'm sending you so much love and happiness today! I thank God for you every day and pray that He will continue to work and move in your life. 

You know He has been watching and caring for you from the moment you were conceived. Actually, even before that. I believe He has such a wonderful and amazing life prepared for you! I think He has chosen you to change lives; you already have changed mine and you don't even know it yet! :) 

But for today, enjoy being a beautiful, loved and smiley little baby. You are really good at that! 


I love you.

Xoxo

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Late Night Thoughts

I'm having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I think it's mostly because I am so excited to get to go and visit Charlie tomorrow morning. My little brother, Andre, is coming along and I'm just excited to share some time with this new extension of my family.

The other obstacles keeping me from sweet sleep are just from my racing mind. This seems to be my reality this week; troubled sleep. It is my final week of maternity leave and on Saturday, my "normal" routine begins again. Back to the daily grind. I find it odd to try and label the next phase of my life as my "new normal." My old normal was fine...and by that, I mean just fine. Nothing spectacular, nothing really exciting and quite honestly lacking inspiration. I was going through the motions; living day by day, trying to get through it.

Now I will never say or even think that God planned for me to go through the pain and fear I experienced when I initially found out about my pregnancy, but I do believe that God's hand was completely covering me throughout the entire time. Looking back, I believe that God was trying to get my attention.....I wasn't living for Him. I was living for nothing, not even myself. I will take responsibility when I agree that I put myself in a position where I was easily taken advantage of. I made some stupid choices that night and I paid consequences for them. Said consequences are both painful and wonderful.

I do know that God is able to use even the darkest of situations and turn them into beautiful and wonderful experiences that will sculpt and change lives. That is what this pregnancy has done for me. I have learned more about myself in the last year; learned about the woman I hope to be, discovered passions that I didn't know I had and also realized that there were some passions I had forgotten about.

One of these forgotten passions is music. More specifically, worship music. I had left my previous church shortly before finding out that I was pregnant and I didn't really have any new church in mind to start attending. I was so used to being an active member in my church, spending on average 3-4 nights or days per week at the church. And then all of a sudden, there was nothing. Of course it would be this time without my church family that I would go through the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life. God seems to have a funny sense of humor, that way.

My mother and I began attending a church closer to our home in Ankeny and if I am being completely honest, I wasn't feeling it. It wasn't necessarily the church itself, but I wasn't feeling God. I felt so angry, sad, depressed and just in a funk. But I knew that it was important for me to attend church, so we continued to visit every Sunday. I have to say now that I am so thankful that we did. I don't know what would have happened if I had completely shut off all of my connections to God. Well, I know I would be a mess. Just not sure how much of one.

I have grown to love this church...the pastor is incredible, preaching on issues that aren't exactly easy to listen to. He speaks truth and real life stuff that is relevant to our lives today. It doesn't hurt that he's hilarious, too. He's amazing. :) After realizing I actually was enjoying sermons (a first in my life) I figure this church can't be all bad. I started to feel excitement about going to worship for the first time in several months. This is when I think I started to feel God really move in my heart and in my life.

I have started singing again and I can't believe how much I have missed it. It's just my outlet and the quickest way I can feel connected to God. It's like my direct line, my speed dial to Jesus. It's awesome. So when I found out that this new church was holding auditions for it's praise team, I felt a nudge in my heart to just try. So I did that tonight with my brother. (Oh yeah, awesome bonus is that my brother is wanting to get involved here, too! YES!) I think it went well and we will hear back from them next week. My prayer is just that if it is where God wants me, He will open that door. If not, then He must have something awesome planned elsewhere. I hope I have the courage to just continue to walk in faith.

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I realize that this blog might seem like ramblings, but I hope it can give some sort of insight as to how God is working in my life right now. I know that when you are in the midst of the darkest times in your life, it's so hard to see what God is doing. It can be hard to even see a God at all. I know, I've been there. But I want anyone who is standing there, in that darkness, to know that you WILL come out of this stronger. God is famous for turning the most difficult times in our lives into amazing and miraculous experiences. I know and trust that He is absolutely going to do the same thing for you. Just continue to move forward. Take each step, even if it is a little bit at a time.

xoxo

Friday, August 15, 2014

Thinking About Charlie

It has only been four days since I got to visit Charlie, but for some reason I have been missing her like crazy this week. I wonder if the fact that my weekly visits are going to be soon over and I am grieving the loss of how fun that is for me. I head back to work at the end of next week and once that happens, we will move to monthly visits. Knowing how much she can grow from week to week is making a month of time seem like an eternity. What will I miss and how can I know that she will still feel my love for her over that period of time? Will she forget who I am or wonder if I will ever come back? I know it is crazy to think of a little baby having these sort of thoughts, but I just can't stand the thought of her ever questioning my love for her or feeling abandoned by me.

It is true that a baby will be connected and know who her birth mother is. She knows my heart beat and the sound of my voice. Part of our plan when moving forward with the adoption was to create a smooth transition for Charlie. Going from myself to her new mom is something we put a lot of time and thought into. This is why I spent my time with her in the hospital, then visited her every day for a week once we left the hospital and then moved to weekly visits. We wanted her to know that I was still around, but also allow her to get used to this new voice and caretaker.

Now that we are quickly approaching the period of monthly visits, I'm just having a hard time knowing that the next time I see her, she will have grown and feel so different in my arms. The next time I see her, she will be making faces and smiling up at me. These are all exciting things, so I am trying to change my paradigm to be more excited....not fearing the loss of time I missed out on, but feeling joy and happiness that my sweet child is growing and developing and I still get to see her amazing childhood unfold before my eyes. This is something that so many other birth moms missed. But I get the chance to follow her life and even be a part of it. I will be able to tell her how much I love her every time I see her. I will be able to cheer her on as she performs at choir concerts or goes to bat at her softball games. I will still be able to spoil her with cute clothes I find and just can't resist buying. I will remind her how beautiful she is and how much time God spent making her just so. I will be able to watch as she discovers herself and finds a passion for life, and I will encourage her to follow that passion and to stay true to who she is. I will remind her that boys are dumb and she can just be single until she is 40; it'll save her lots of trouble. And when she ignores that last piece of advice, I will be there to hold her and help her through her first heart break.

I may not be the one raising her, but I will be one of the people loving her throughout her entire life. I hope that she will understand just how much I do love her; how much my family loves her. She is easily my favorite person on this planet. She changed my life and is helping me to discover who I am and what my passions are. She has no idea how wonderful she is....at least not yet. But you best believe that I will help her learn someday.

So...as I worked through this blog and just wrote out my thoughts, I hope that I can find the strength and happiness to embrace this new phase of the adoption process. I knew this would never be easy...I figured I had worked through the hardest part when I signed over my parental rights, but it does appear that this will be hard for awhile. The one thing I know, however, is that this child is completely worth all of the anxiety, pain, tears and heartbreak. She just is.

I love you, Charlie girl. See you soon.



xoxo

Friday, August 8, 2014

Bethany Christian Services

Today I had a great time eating lunch and catching up with one of the advocates/social workers who helped me create my adoption plan for Charlie. She is so awesome, not only for helping me while I was pregnant and in need of guidance, but for being interested in how I am doing after all is said and done. She truly cares about all of the parties involved with the adoption process. Her name is Marlene and if you ever get to meet this beautiful hippy woman, your life will surely be blessed and enriched. She is passionate about what she does and has been helping to create amazing families for 25+ years.

She works at an organization called Bethany Christian Services. I personally worked through the Des Moines branch, but they have offices all over the country. When I found their website, this is what I read...


Who we are: 

Bethany Christian Services is a global nonprofit family preservation and child welfare organization caring for orphans and vulnerable children on five continents. Bethany is recognized as a prominent leader in social services worldwide. Founded in 1944, our mission calls us to demonstrate the love and compassion of Jesus Christ by protecting and enhancing the lives of children and families around the world.
Bethany Christian Service is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.
What we do:

Bethany is about kids in families. We serve children of all ages as we strive toward a world where every child has a loving family. Our services include family support and preservation, adoption, foster care, pregnancy counseling, training, refugee services, sponsorship, and infertility ministry. We are called to demonstrate the compassion of Jesus Christ to vulnerable children and families around the world.

What most pulled me to them was that they speak about how important the child is in all of this. They want to serve children and that is exactly what I wanted to do for my child, as well. I was also touched that they operate with such a strong conviction in their faith and want to do what Christ calls us to do. I want nothing more than for my daughter to know the love of Jesus Christ.
When you decide to make an adoption plan for your child, it is nothing short of difficult, complicated and odd. I never knew I would ever need to do this, but now that I have been through it, I hope that every adoption plan is made with as much love and care as mine was. Every decision and step I took towards placing Charlie for adoption, I was first and foremost concerned with her well being. It was fantastic that Bethany was also supportive of this priority. 
At the Des Moines branch of BCS, they use a "model" for adoption that I am so in love with and support 100%. Not every adoption agency supports or work the way they are, but I hope that in time they will adopt (no pun intended) this model. While you are pregnant, it is important to know that you are only condsidering adoption, you are only considering parents, etc. They do this for the best interest of both the birth parents and the potential adoptive parents. If I were to agree to adoption and choose parents, then have the baby and change my mind, there would be some serious heart break involved for those parents. Not only this, but if I had already told them I was choosing them and then changed my mind, I might feel coerced into doing the adoption because I didn't want to hurt them. These sort of things should just never be a factor while you are deciding the fate of a child. 
While I was pregnant, I knew intellectually that adoption was the right thing to do for Charlie, so it was difficult to not just agree to the whole thing and tell these parents I had been meeting with that I choose them. But now I understand completely why they did not want me to agree to anything before she was born. When you hold your child for the first time, and all moms will agree with me, you instantly become protective and incredibly attached to that baby. (Typing that last sentence was tricky because there are no words to describe what that feeling is, you just have to experience it to understand.) So holding your child and then making the decision to actually follow through with the adoption was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. Probably will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. When I was holding her, it was like my mind knew what the right thing was, but my heart wasn't agreeing. I never wanted to let her go. 
While we were at the hospital, the parents I had been meeting with came to visit me and got to meet and see Charlie for the first time. First they came in to see me and they even brought me gifts! They are so thoughtful and kind. The mom was so concerned with how I was doing, she immediately grabbed me in for a hug and just cried. She was so happy I was OK and that everything went well. (She was already exhibiting some serious mommy traits lol) When they decided that they wanted to meet Charlie, my mom went down to the nursery and introduced them to her. They came back to my room with her and we shared some time with baby Charlie. 
I have to be honest when I say that seeing them hold her for the first time was heart breaking for some reason. My instincts were jumping out of my skin, telling me to go get her and take her back. She was my baby, my daughter. Looking back, I wonder if it all was happening too soon....but I was able to remain calm and keep my composure. I'm sure the fact that I couldn't move after the surgery and all of the drugs I was on helped with this, but I'd like to think my mind helped me stay strong, too. 
They came to visit me every day that weekend while I recovered. They would only come by for a couple hours at a time which was exactly what I needed. Before I went into the hospital to have Charlie, we did make a plan with them to help sort of guide how the weekend would go. They stayed at a hotel near the hospital and brought some friends of theirs along to help kill time and help them stay emotionally and mentally stable. BCS was awesome in helping us decide how that would go. They knew that I would need my alone time with my daughter and that my emotions would be running on overdrive with all that was going on. I am so thankful they helped us to do a smooth transition from birth, to interim care, to adoption. 
Right now, Charlie is still technically in what they call interim care. I signed the papers that terminate my parental rights three weeks after she was born. The laws in Iowa make it so that the birth mom cannot sign those documents until three days after the child's birth. This is because they want to make sure the mom knows exactly what she is doing and doesn't do anything while under the stress and craziness that is giving birth. I thought, before I gave birth, that I would be able to do that for sure after three days. Boy was I wrong. What I loved about BCS is that they told me a million times that I could sign those papers whenever I felt like I was ready. Turns out I wasn't ready until three weeks later. I just needed time for my heart to catch back up with my head. I needed them to agree that what I was doing was the right thing. 
So now, the parents I chose for her are taking care of her and the adoption should take roughly six months to be finalized. It's such a long process, but well worth it for this beautiful child. It was so fun to get to talk to her parents after I signed the documents because they were finally able to start talking about her as if she were their daughter. Hearing her mom say how much she loved her for the first time melted my heart. I no longer feel anger or hurt when I see them with her. I feel an abundance of love and joy! It is so exciting and helps me to know that I did the right thing. I have no regrets about the choices I have made thus far. 
Bethany Christian Services has continued to be in contact with myself and Charlie's parents throughout this entire process. They are truly fantastic! I feel like there is not enough space on the internet to talk about how much I love them. If you are looking for a wonderful support system or just answers to any questions you may have on adoption or unplanned pregnancies, I would always support talking to the people at Bethany Christian Services. 
Here's a link to their website: www.bethany.org

And just in case you forgot how adorable Charlie is...

xoxo

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

A Very Happy Opportunity

Shortly after posting this blog, my friend Tim Overlin reached out to me and asked me to come do a short interview on a podcast he does for Life Right Now. It's a great organization that is working to promote life, so how could I say no? :) I was so honored to be offered a chance to verbalize my thoughts and emotions when it comes to this issue and my own personal story.

Though listening to myself talk is horrifying, I want this to be shared and I hope that if you or anyone you know is going through something like this alone, you will find peace in knowing that there is help and people available to walk with you through this.

Feel free to also check out their website for more information! Here's the link:

http://liferightnow.net/2014/08/06/life-right-now-podcast-8-2-14/

xoxo

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Time for a Visit!

One of the things that goes along with an open adoption is the opportunity to go and visit with your child. This particular aspect is what made the hardest choice I've ever had to make, just a little bit easier. The moment Charlie arrived, I loved her more than anything or anyone on this planet. I can't imagine a world where she doesn't exist, nor can I imagine a world where I don't get to see her and tell her how much I love her. This is the true beauty of open adoption.

I want to shed some light on what visits are like and what sort of emotions come along with them. Every open adoption is different; some being open to the point of letting the birth mom take care of the child for a weekend while the parents get some time to themselves, and some are more closed and are limited to just sending email updates and pictures every year. It really depends on the people involved, honestly. 

I would say that mine is somewhere in between these two extremes and so far it is working for us. The plan I made with the adoptive parents was that I would come visit every week for two hours at a time while I am on maternity leave. After that, we will move to monthly visits. Right now the adoptive mom also sends me three pictures every day of Della and gives me little updates. We also text and keep up with how each other are doing. The most important part of having a successful open adoption is building a healthy and strong relationship with each other. 



The first week after Charlie was born, the photos that her mom sent me were vital to my mental state. I was in such agony without her with me, but being able to see her and know that she was OK made it just a little bit better. The first time we went to visit her, my parents came with me and we just took turns holding her and chatting about how my recovery was going. (I had a cesarean and was still in some pain) Leaving that day was really hard...I never want my visits with her to end. I feel like the time goes so quickly. As we were driving home, my heart felt a mixture of emotions...I was so sad to be leaving her again but I also felt so happy with my decision. I knew I was doing the right thing and I loved seeing Charlie with her new parents. Somehow the happiness I felt was starting to outweigh the pain I was feeling. 


Over the next few weeks, I loved getting to see her grow! Holy smokes, you parents weren't kidding when you say, "They grow up so fast." It's insane...my perfect little peanut is quickly become a perfect little nugget. I love it but I dread it all at the same time. 

Today's visit was great. I went by myself this time, which was nice because I didn't have to share her with my mom. (My mom is a Charlie hoarder, always wanting more time to hold her) We had lunch, we cuddled and I even got to change what they call a "blow out" diaper. What shocked me the most is that I wasn't once grossed out by it. I was more than happy to change her and to know that her digestive system is working correctly. Plus she is just so cute. 


We got in some nice cuddles today and she slept pretty soundly after she got her diaper changed. It was lovely...I wish I could just hold her all the time. She threw me for a loop though because she was able to move her head around all by herself! I was not ready for that. She is getting so strong! She is also able to get a good grip on whatever she wants. She pulled on my shirt a lot while we were cuddling...it was so sweet. 

As I drove home, I felt just a twinge of sadness because I hate leaving her, but like I said earlier, the joy and happiness I feel for her and her parents is overwhelming the sadness I feel. I am so happy with how our open adoption story is being written. Charlie is so surrounded by love and amazing people; for that I am grateful. I love my time with her, I love telling her how beautiful and amazing she is and I love seeing her sweet eyes sparkle up at me. 

xoxo

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Fond Memories

I want to take time to acknowledge the people who have been relentless with their support, grace and love towards me throughout this experience. It's crazy how the people you love the most are the hardest people to share, what you believe to be, horrible news with. What is more crazy is how those people are the ones who love you through the hardest chapter in your life's story book. My family are those people, the ones who I love so much. I must be the luckiest person to have been given these wonderful people to be in my life. (This is something my mom and I like to call 'God's Favor.') 

My beautiful mother with Baby Charlie


My mom is some fantastic mix of love, beauty, kindness, compassion, happiness, resilience and grace. She is a fantastic example of what it means to be God's light to others and I am blessed to call her my own mother. Telling my mom that I was pregnant was one of the hardest parts of this entire journey. I was silly to think that she would love me any less. Not only did I feel her love grow for me over the last year, but she became my partner. She was there for me the entire way through; doctor visits, telling me what is normal in a pregnancy, helping me when the pregnancy got painful, telling me that I was beautiful, holding my hand every time I broke down and just loving me more than I will ever deserve. 

She was with me in the delivery room and those moments of joy were so amazing to share with her. I couldn't ask for a better soul to help guide me through this journey. She has helped me discover just how much love I deserve and so much about the person I want to be. She is my best friend. 

Mom, I will love you forever and I can't wait for Charlie to know just how much you loved her from the moment you knew she was coming. I know it is so hard for you to watch your grandchild from afar, but we both know that she is surrounded by so much love, both from our family and from her new family. We will be able to share so much joy and laughter watching her grow and going to visit her! 



My super awesome dad with Baby Charlie



My dad is one of those people who knows exactly what to say at the exact right time. He has been such an encouragement to me throughout this process and has brought a calming and peaceful surrounding for not just myself, but for our entire family. I can't remember how many times I heard him say that he will walk with me through this. Hearing this from him always calmed my heart; it was easy to feel alone in this and knowing that I wasn't is something that I am beyond thankful for. 

I started seeing a therapist when I found out that I was pregnant and he was kind enough to go with me every time. A lot of the time we were meeting with her, I had a hard time being able to verbalize what I was feeling or thinking and because he knows me so well, he was able to help me get across my thoughts. 

Something unique about my relationship with my dad is that he's not my biological dad, he's my step dad. He married my mom when I was about 5 years old and has treated me as if I were his own daughter ever since. He is such a fantastic example of what unconditional love looks like. Because he is able to love me as his own, I know that it is possible for the parents I've chosen for Charlie to love her as their own. 

As I was preparing this blog, I wanted to verify with all of my family that it was OK to share their photos for anyone to see. When I asked him if it was OK with him, he quickly said that he had no problem with that and he is as comfortable with it as I am. I'm so blessed to have support like that. I know that he truly will stand by me through every choice I make with my life. 

I love you, Dad!



My handsome little brother with Baby Charlie and I




Now, when it comes to my brother, it's hard for me to find words that express just how much I love him. We have been close since we our childhood and our relationship has been so fantastic as we've grown into our twenties. He was the first person I called when I found out that I was pregnant. I just needed to talk to someone and he was that person for me. He was never once judgmental of me and was so reassuring of me that this would turn out OK. He would never leave me to deal with this alone. 

When my brother comes home from school, we always go see a movie together. So when he was home for fall break, we went to some movie that I can't even remember. What I remember is our drive home from the theater. We were talking about this child and what I was going to do and I just broke down. When I was pregnant, I tried so hard to keep everything inside and pretend like I had it all under control...but when I'm with my brother, I can allow myself to be vulnerable and everything just spilled out. We sat in our car for what seems like forever and he just cried with me while I sobbed in his arms. He allowed me to let out all of the emotions I had been holding in since I found out I was pregnant. 

One of the greatest traits my brother has is his gift of humor. He knows just what to say to make our whole family laugh. It was such a nice relief in my life when he would come home and just smile and tell his silly one liner jokes. I especially was thankful for him when he came to see me in the hospital after having Charlie. I didn't know how he would react to seeing his first niece....but seeing him hold her was such a delight. He was so protective and loving towards her, it was beautiful.

Andre, you are such a vital part of my life. I know that you will be able to share your love and laughter with Charlie as she grows up and I'm beyond thankful that she will get to know you. You change lives even when you aren't trying to. I love you so much!!



My dashing and awesome dad and I



There is one more person who has been amazing for me throughout this time of my life. My dad, Christian. It's unfortunate that we are separated by many miles and multiple states....he hasn't yet gotten a chance to meet this beautiful little baby. 

It was hard to have my dad so far away from me the whole time I was pregnant. Many times I just wanted to have him there to hug and call me "his baby." He's a very protective father and was so kind when I told him about the baby. He knew that this would be something incredibly hard for me to go through, but he told me that none of this changes how much he loves me. 

I got to see my dad once before I gave birth to Charlie and though our time together was short, it was so good to be able to see him and just have time together. We talked about what I was choosing to do and he actually shared with me that my grandmother, his mom, gave her first born daughter up for adoption when she was in high school. She didn't see her daughter until she was on her death bed. 

I can't even imagine how empty my grandmother must have felt all of those years, not knowing where her child was or if she was OK. I am thankful, however, that they were able to have some closure before she passed. I'm also thankful that my adoption doesn't have to be like that. I will get to have a relationship with my child and she will know how much I love her every day of her life. 

Dad, I can't wait to see you again soon and I am so excited for you to meet Charlie!! She is the best and I know you will just love her. 


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xoxo

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Feeling Overwhelmed

I have had this blog posted and public for less than 24 hours and it has been viewed over 900 times. This is unbelievable to me. When I decided to start writing my story in order to share it with the world, I wasn't quite prepared for the overwhelming support and kindness I would receive. I was so afraid of what people would think, I had almost forgotten that I am surrounded with the most loving, kind and amazing people. So to those of you who have shared your positive and kind words with me, thank you so much. You will never know how much it means to me. Actually, you will never know how much it means to my family and I.

I truly hope that if there is someone reading this and they are going through the same thing, you will know that you are not alone. You are NEVER alone. There are amazing people in this world and they will love you and support you through this.

xoxo

The Moments We Share














I have to send a huge thank you and lots of love to Chelsea Underwood (Chelsea Photographie) for being a part of my story and for capturing these moments. Chelsea is one of the few people with whom I shared my story and she had nothing but love and kindness to extend to me. I am so happy you were there to photograph me (and make me feel beautiful somehow) when I was just weeks away from having this beautiful girl. Thank you for coming to the hospital to see her and I and taking the most amazing pictures of her! I can't wait to share them with her one day! LOVE YOU!

Capturing Our Time Together






Thank you to Chelsea Underwood (Chelsea Photographie) for capturing these photos for me! I was 37 weeks pregnant in these and I have never felt more humongous. Somehow, Chelsea made me feel beautiful! Looking back, I think it is amazing to know that the person I love most in this world was right inside of me. Creating life will forever be one of my favorite times in life.

How Love Goes

I have been debating how and when to go about sharing this part of my life with the people I care about for quite some time. I figure there will never be a "good" time to do this, so here goes.

If you are reading this, I hope that you do so with an open heart and with support for not only myself but also for my family. My sharing this is something that has been on my heart and I've talked with my family about the pro's and con's, but I feel it is important that my store is out there. I hope that what I have done and what I went through will be able to help and encourage someone else who may find themselves in my situation.

There's no easy way to start this, so I am just going to go for it...

In September of 2014, I decided to go out with a guy I had just met. We went out to a bar and spent a couple of hours there together. I made the mistake of deciding to go over to his home that night, but once I got there, I suddenly did not feel right. I started blacking out and getting sick and much of the night is not clear in my mind. I woke up the next day still feeling sick, confused and mostly scared. I left and tried to forget about what happened.

One month later, right before my 25th birthday, I found out that I was pregnant. I was more scared and shocked than I can even put into words. I had no idea how I would tell my parents, let alone how they would react. I felt like I must be the biggest idiot for getting myself into this situation. I am only 25, I'm very single and I barely make enough money to support myself.

I worked up enough courage to tell my mom one day in her office at school. I use the word courage cautiously because it wasn't all that spurred me into her office that day. I was also so worried and scared of carrying this information all on my own. I needed someone to help me. My mom has been my best friend for my entire life. The only part of courage that I feel is noteworthy was the fact that I knew I could be risking ruining our relationship forever by sharing this with her.

Her shock was evident as I broke down, barely getting the words out through my sobs. I couldn't even look at her because I didn't want to see her disappointment. I just sat in her spare chair and cried. Later, she would tell me that she just felt numb; there was no emotion, just blankness.

After the initial shock hit our family and we started to comprehend the reality of our situation, I knew that I had some decisions to make. I just didn't know if my parents would be willing to support me through this or not. I was in a weird place; being 25 and able to make my own decisions, but also feeling so young. I didn't know if I was capable of making a decision like this on my own.

I was extremely lucky when both of my parents sat me down and told me that they would support me with my choices and that they would open their home to me so I could be surrounded by this support while I carried this child. At this point, I had ruled out abortion. I will be honest and admit that it crossed my mind when I first found out. It'd be a quick fix, just make it go away. But when I really internalized what that meant, I couldn't do it. I had a life inside of me and I felt such a desire to protect it. So that is what I planned to do.

After gaining the support of my family, I decided it would be best to make an adoption plan for my child. I knew that I was not in a place in my life where I could raise a child, nor did I have the husband/father figure that I believe is vital for a child's upbringing. I contacted a local adoption agency in Des Moines called Bethany Christian Services and met with an advocate for birth moms a few months into my pregnancy.

I was able to look through books of families who were waiting for a child. It was bizarre to read through these amazing family's books but still decide against meeting them. I felt bad putting them into my "no" pile, but I was waiting for a family book that I felt connected to. I found one couple that I was interested in. They reminded me of my own parents and I asked to set up a time to meet them.

We scheduled our first meeting in the middle of February. At this point, I had found out that I was expecting a little girl! I was so excited and so in love with her already. I was also starting to feel the magnitude of what was happening. I was making a child and I was about to try and find a set of parents to raise her. It was surreal, heartbreaking and exciting all at the same time.

The first meeting went well...it was emotional for both sides. My parents came with me and I am so thankful they did. I didn't know how to even start talking about what was going on. I needed strength from them to help get me through all of this. After that first meeting, I felt complete peace in my heart that I had found the two people who would raise my baby girl. I loved them. They were genuine, loving, smart and incredible people. All characteristics I hope my child will possess one day.

We met a handful of times again before I gave birth. My little girl was breech, so I had a scheduled cesarean on June 27, 2014. The night before I went in, I slept in my mom's bed. I woke up several times that night and just cried. I felt so sad that my time with her all to myself was about to end. I was going to have to share her with everyone else. It's crazy how when you're going through the pregnancy, the end seems so far away, but once you get to the end, you feel like it flew by. I couldn't believe how far we had come since that night in September.

My mom and I got ready that morning and headed to the hospital around 10 am. My surgery was scheduled for noon, but we didn't end up going in until about 2 pm. My daughter, Charlie Yvette Paulson, was born at 2:37 pm that day. It was amazing. I couldn't stop smiling once I saw her! She was perfect!! My mom was in the room with me and it was amazing to share that experience with her. Charlie was born so perfect and healthy; 7.63 pounds and 19 inches long. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

To this day I still have a hard time comprehending the idea that she came out of my stomach. How is that possible??

Our time at the hospital was amazing. We cuddled, laughed, cried and just enjoyed her first moments of life together. Her adoptive parents came to visit each day and it was great to get to see their reactions when they first got to see her and hold her. It was both heart warming and heart breaking. I knew intellectually that what I was doing was the right thing, but my heart took longer to catch up. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone on this earth. It's incredible....I don't think the word love is enough. It's more than love. I would do anything for her.

Part of being a parent is providing your child with everything they need. I knew that I wasn't able to do that on my own, and so I provided her with parents who could. The greatest part of this story is that adoption doesn't mean I say goodbye forever. We have an open adoption which means I get to see her and she will know who I am. Some day I will share all of this story with her...but for now, I just plan on loving her and her new parents unconditionally.

I get to go see her every week right now and she just had her 1 month birthday! It's crazy how much she's grown and how sweet she is. I love holding her and just looking into her eyes. She's full of life and wonder and love.

As you can imagine, this has been a hard story to write and I'm sure it will be hard to share more about this story in the future. I hope that you will understand and support why I feel lead to share this with you.

I will plan to share more about her and our story in the future, but this is the beginning of what I would consider to be a wonderful story of love and life.