I want to take time to acknowledge the people who have been relentless with their support, grace and love towards me throughout this experience. It's crazy how the people you love the most are the hardest people to share, what you believe to be, horrible news with. What is more crazy is how those people are the ones who love you through the hardest chapter in your life's story book. My family are those people, the ones who I love so much. I must be the luckiest person to have been given these wonderful people to be in my life. (This is something my mom and I like to call 'God's Favor.')
My beautiful mother with Baby Charlie
My mom is some fantastic mix of love, beauty, kindness, compassion, happiness, resilience and grace. She is a fantastic example of what it means to be God's light to others and I am blessed to call her my own mother. Telling my mom that I was pregnant was one of the hardest parts of this entire journey. I was silly to think that she would love me any less. Not only did I feel her love grow for me over the last year, but she became my partner. She was there for me the entire way through; doctor visits, telling me what is normal in a pregnancy, helping me when the pregnancy got painful, telling me that I was beautiful, holding my hand every time I broke down and just loving me more than I will ever deserve.
She was with me in the delivery room and those moments of joy were so amazing to share with her. I couldn't ask for a better soul to help guide me through this journey. She has helped me discover just how much love I deserve and so much about the person I want to be. She is my best friend.
Mom, I will love you forever and I can't wait for Charlie to know just how much you loved her from the moment you knew she was coming. I know it is so hard for you to watch your grandchild from afar, but we both know that she is surrounded by so much love, both from our family and from her new family. We will be able to share so much joy and laughter watching her grow and going to visit her!
My super awesome dad with Baby Charlie
My dad is one of those people who knows exactly what to say at the exact right time. He has been such an encouragement to me throughout this process and has brought a calming and peaceful surrounding for not just myself, but for our entire family. I can't remember how many times I heard him say that he will walk with me through this. Hearing this from him always calmed my heart; it was easy to feel alone in this and knowing that I wasn't is something that I am beyond thankful for.
I started seeing a therapist when I found out that I was pregnant and he was kind enough to go with me every time. A lot of the time we were meeting with her, I had a hard time being able to verbalize what I was feeling or thinking and because he knows me so well, he was able to help me get across my thoughts.
Something unique about my relationship with my dad is that he's not my biological dad, he's my step dad. He married my mom when I was about 5 years old and has treated me as if I were his own daughter ever since. He is such a fantastic example of what unconditional love looks like. Because he is able to love me as his own, I know that it is possible for the parents I've chosen for Charlie to love her as their own.
As I was preparing this blog, I wanted to verify with all of my family that it was OK to share their photos for anyone to see. When I asked him if it was OK with him, he quickly said that he had no problem with that and he is as comfortable with it as I am. I'm so blessed to have support like that. I know that he truly will stand by me through every choice I make with my life.
I love you, Dad!
My handsome little brother with Baby Charlie and I
Now, when it comes to my brother, it's hard for me to find words that express just how much I love him. We have been close since we our childhood and our relationship has been so fantastic as we've grown into our twenties. He was the first person I called when I found out that I was pregnant. I just needed to talk to someone and he was that person for me. He was never once judgmental of me and was so reassuring of me that this would turn out OK. He would never leave me to deal with this alone.
When my brother comes home from school, we always go see a movie together. So when he was home for fall break, we went to some movie that I can't even remember. What I remember is our drive home from the theater. We were talking about this child and what I was going to do and I just broke down. When I was pregnant, I tried so hard to keep everything inside and pretend like I had it all under control...but when I'm with my brother, I can allow myself to be vulnerable and everything just spilled out. We sat in our car for what seems like forever and he just cried with me while I sobbed in his arms. He allowed me to let out all of the emotions I had been holding in since I found out I was pregnant.
One of the greatest traits my brother has is his gift of humor. He knows just what to say to make our whole family laugh. It was such a nice relief in my life when he would come home and just smile and tell his silly one liner jokes. I especially was thankful for him when he came to see me in the hospital after having Charlie. I didn't know how he would react to seeing his first niece....but seeing him hold her was such a delight. He was so protective and loving towards her, it was beautiful.
Andre, you are such a vital part of my life. I know that you will be able to share your love and laughter with Charlie as she grows up and I'm beyond thankful that she will get to know you. You change lives even when you aren't trying to. I love you so much!!
My dashing and awesome dad and I
There is one more person who has been amazing for me throughout this time of my life. My dad, Christian. It's unfortunate that we are separated by many miles and multiple states....he hasn't yet gotten a chance to meet this beautiful little baby.
It was hard to have my dad so far away from me the whole time I was pregnant. Many times I just wanted to have him there to hug and call me "his baby." He's a very protective father and was so kind when I told him about the baby. He knew that this would be something incredibly hard for me to go through, but he told me that none of this changes how much he loves me.
I got to see my dad once before I gave birth to Charlie and though our time together was short, it was so good to be able to see him and just have time together. We talked about what I was choosing to do and he actually shared with me that my grandmother, his mom, gave her first born daughter up for adoption when she was in high school. She didn't see her daughter until she was on her death bed.
I can't even imagine how empty my grandmother must have felt all of those years, not knowing where her child was or if she was OK. I am thankful, however, that they were able to have some closure before she passed. I'm also thankful that my adoption doesn't have to be like that. I will get to have a relationship with my child and she will know how much I love her every day of her life.
Dad, I can't wait to see you again soon and I am so excited for you to meet Charlie!! She is the best and I know you will just love her.
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xoxo
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