Two Months of a Beautiful Life

Happy two month birthday, sweet baby Charlie! I am having a hard time comprehending the idea that you entered the world just a short two months ago! So much has happened in your life and I love seeing how much you've grown. You've recently started smiling and I love seeing your eyes sparkle with joy. It melts my heart and reminds me every day why I did what I did. 

I still have moments of extreme sadness, but I can still find joy when I think about what a wonderful life you will have. We have started the period of time where I will do monthly visits instead of weekly. I wish I could hold you and give you a million kisses on this special day. Well, I wish I could do that every day. But you better believe I'm sending you so much love and happiness today! I thank God for you every day and pray that He will continue to work and move in your life. 

You know He has been watching and caring for you from the moment you were conceived. Actually, even before that. I believe He has such a wonderful and amazing life prepared for you! I think He has chosen you to change lives; you already have changed mine and you don't even know it yet! :) 

But for today, enjoy being a beautiful, loved and smiley little baby. You are really good at that! 

I love you.

Xoxo

Late Night Thoughts

I'm having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I think it's mostly because I am so excited to get to go and visit Charlie tomorrow morning. My little brother, Andre, is coming along and I'm just excited to share some time with this new extension of my family.

The other obstacles keeping me from sweet sleep are just from my racing mind. This seems to be my reality this week; troubled sleep. It is my final week of maternity leave and on Saturday, my "normal" routine begins again. Back to the daily grind. I find it odd to try and label the next phase of my life as my "new normal." My old normal was fine...and by that, I mean just fine. Nothing spectacular, nothing really exciting and quite honestly lacking inspiration. I was going through the motions; living day by day, trying to get through it.

Now I will never say or even think that God planned for me to go through the pain and fear I experienced when I initially found out about my pregnancy, but I do believe that God's hand was completely covering me throughout the entire time. Looking back, I believe that God was trying to get my attention.....I wasn't living for Him. I was living for nothing, not even myself. I will take responsibility when I agree that I put myself in a position where I was easily taken advantage of. I made some stupid choices that night and I paid consequences for them. Said consequences are both painful and wonderful.

I do know that God is able to use even the darkest of situations and turn them into beautiful and wonderful experiences that will sculpt and change lives. That is what this pregnancy has done for me. I have learned more about myself in the last year; learned about the woman I hope to be, discovered passions that I didn't know I had and also realized that there were some passions I had forgotten about.

One of these forgotten passions is music. More specifically, worship music. I had left my previous church shortly before finding out that I was pregnant and I didn't really have any new church in mind to start attending. I was so used to being an active member in my church, spending on average 3-4 nights or days per week at the church. And then all of a sudden, there was nothing. Of course it would be this time without my church family that I would go through the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life. God seems to have a funny sense of humor, that way.

My mother and I began attending a church closer to our home in Ankeny and if I am being completely honest, I wasn't feeling it. It wasn't necessarily the church itself, but I wasn't feeling God. I felt so angry, sad, depressed and just in a funk. But I knew that it was important for me to attend church, so we continued to visit every Sunday. I have to say now that I am so thankful that we did. I don't know what would have happened if I had completely shut off all of my connections to God. Well, I know I would be a mess. Just not sure how much of one.

I have grown to love this church...the pastor is incredible, preaching on issues that aren't exactly easy to listen to. He speaks truth and real life stuff that is relevant to our lives today. It doesn't hurt that he's hilarious, too. He's amazing. :) After realizing I actually was enjoying sermons (a first in my life) I figure this church can't be all bad. I started to feel excitement about going to worship for the first time in several months. This is when I think I started to feel God really move in my heart and in my life.

I have started singing again and I can't believe how much I have missed it. It's just my outlet and the quickest way I can feel connected to God. It's like my direct line, my speed dial to Jesus. It's awesome. So when I found out that this new church was holding auditions for it's praise team, I felt a nudge in my heart to just try. So I did that tonight with my brother. (Oh yeah, awesome bonus is that my brother is wanting to get involved here, too! YES!) I think it went well and we will hear back from them next week. My prayer is just that if it is where God wants me, He will open that door. If not, then He must have something awesome planned elsewhere. I hope I have the courage to just continue to walk in faith.

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I realize that this blog might seem like ramblings, but I hope it can give some sort of insight as to how God is working in my life right now. I know that when you are in the midst of the darkest times in your life, it's so hard to see what God is doing. It can be hard to even see a God at all. I know, I've been there. But I want anyone who is standing there, in that darkness, to know that you WILL come out of this stronger. God is famous for turning the most difficult times in our lives into amazing and miraculous experiences. I know and trust that He is absolutely going to do the same thing for you. Just continue to move forward. Take each step, even if it is a little bit at a time.

xoxo

Thinking About Charlie

It has only been four days since I got to visit Charlie, but for some reason I have been missing her like crazy this week. I wonder if the fact that my weekly visits are going to be soon over and I am grieving the loss of how fun that is for me. I head back to work at the end of next week and once that happens, we will move to monthly visits. Knowing how much she can grow from week to week is making a month of time seem like an eternity. What will I miss and how can I know that she will still feel my love for her over that period of time? Will she forget who I am or wonder if I will ever come back? I know it is crazy to think of a little baby having these sort of thoughts, but I just can't stand the thought of her ever questioning my love for her or feeling abandoned by me.

It is true that a baby will be connected and know who her birth mother is. She knows my heart beat and the sound of my voice. Part of our plan when moving forward with the adoption was to create a smooth transition for Charlie. Going from myself to her new mom is something we put a lot of time and thought into. This is why I spent my time with her in the hospital, then visited her every day for a week once we left the hospital and then moved to weekly visits. We wanted her to know that I was still around, but also allow her to get used to this new voice and caretaker.

Now that we are quickly approaching the period of monthly visits, I'm just having a hard time knowing that the next time I see her, she will have grown and feel so different in my arms. The next time I see her, she will be making faces and smiling up at me. These are all exciting things, so I am trying to change my paradigm to be more excited....not fearing the loss of time I missed out on, but feeling joy and happiness that my sweet child is growing and developing and I still get to see her amazing childhood unfold before my eyes. This is something that so many other birth moms missed. But I get the chance to follow her life and even be a part of it. I will be able to tell her how much I love her every time I see her. I will be able to cheer her on as she performs at choir concerts or goes to bat at her softball games. I will still be able to spoil her with cute clothes I find and just can't resist buying. I will remind her how beautiful she is and how much time God spent making her just so. I will be able to watch as she discovers herself and finds a passion for life, and I will encourage her to follow that passion and to stay true to who she is. I will remind her that boys are dumb and she can just be single until she is 40; it'll save her lots of trouble. And when she ignores that last piece of advice, I will be there to hold her and help her through her first heart break.

I may not be the one raising her, but I will be one of the people loving her throughout her entire life. I hope that she will understand just how much I do love her; how much my family loves her. She is easily my favorite person on this planet. She changed my life and is helping me to discover who I am and what my passions are. She has no idea how wonderful she is....at least not yet. But you best believe that I will help her learn someday.

So...as I worked through this blog and just wrote out my thoughts, I hope that I can find the strength and happiness to embrace this new phase of the adoption process. I knew this would never be easy...I figured I had worked through the hardest part when I signed over my parental rights, but it does appear that this will be hard for awhile. The one thing I know, however, is that this child is completely worth all of the anxiety, pain, tears and heartbreak. She just is.

I love you, Charlie girl. See you soon.

xoxo

Bethany Christian Services

Today I had a great time eating lunch and catching up with one of the advocates/social workers who helped me create my adoption plan for Charlie. She is so awesome, not only for helping me while I was pregnant and in need of guidance, but for being interested in how I am doing after all is said and done. She truly cares about all of the parties involved with the adoption process. Her name is Marlene and if you ever get to meet this beautiful hippy woman, your life will surely be blessed and enriched. She is passionate about what she does and has been helping to create amazing families for 25+ years.

She works at an organization called Bethany Christian Services. I personally worked through the Des Moines branch, but they have offices all over the country. When I found their website, this is what I read...


Who we are: 

Bethany Christian Services is a global nonprofit family preservation and child welfare organization caring for orphans and vulnerable children on five continents. Bethany is recognized as a prominent leader in social services worldwide. Founded in 1944, our mission calls us to demonstrate the love and compassion of Jesus Christ by protecting and enhancing the lives of children and families around the world.

Bethany Christian Service is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

What we do:

Bethany is about kids in families. We serve children of all ages as we strive toward a world where every child has a loving family. Our services include family support and preservation, adoption, foster care, pregnancy counseling, training, refugee services, sponsorship, and infertility ministry. We are called to demonstrate the compassion of Jesus Christ to vulnerable children and families around the world.

What most pulled me to them was that they speak about how important the child is in all of this. They want to serve children and that is exactly what I wanted to do for my child, as well. I was also touched that they operate with such a strong conviction in their faith and want to do what Christ calls us to do. I want nothing more than for my daughter to know the love of Jesus Christ.

When you decide to make an adoption plan for your child, it is nothing short of difficult, complicated and odd. I never knew I would ever need to do this, but now that I have been through it, I hope that every adoption plan is made with as much love and care as mine was. Every decision and step I took towards placing Charlie for adoption, I was first and foremost concerned with her well being. It was fantastic that Bethany was also supportive of this priority. 

At the Des Moines branch of BCS, they use a "model" for adoption that I am so in love with and support 100%. Not every adoption agency supports or work the way they are, but I hope that in time they will adopt (no pun intended) this model. While you are pregnant, it is important to know that you are only condsidering adoption, you are only considering parents, etc. They do this for the best interest of both the birth parents and the potential adoptive parents. If I were to agree to adoption and choose parents, then have the baby and change my mind, there would be some serious heart break involved for those parents. Not only this, but if I had already told them I was choosing them and then changed my mind, I might feel coerced into doing the adoption because I didn't want to hurt them. These sort of things should just never be a factor while you are deciding the fate of a child. 

While I was pregnant, I knew intellectually that adoption was the right thing to do for Charlie, so it was difficult to not just agree to the whole thing and tell these parents I had been meeting with that I choose them. But now I understand completely why they did not want me to agree to anything before she was born. When you hold your child for the first time, and all moms will agree with me, you instantly become protective and incredibly attached to that baby. (Typing that last sentence was tricky because there are no words to describe what that feeling is, you just have to experience it to understand.) So holding your child and then making the decision to actually follow through with the adoption was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. Probably will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. When I was holding her, it was like my mind knew what the right thing was, but my heart wasn't agreeing. I never wanted to let her go. 

While we were at the hospital, the parents I had been meeting with came to visit me and got to meet and see Charlie for the first time. First they came in to see me and they even brought me gifts! They are so thoughtful and kind. The mom was so concerned with how I was doing, she immediately grabbed me in for a hug and just cried. She was so happy I was OK and that everything went well. (She was already exhibiting some serious mommy traits lol) When they decided that they wanted to meet Charlie, my mom went down to the nursery and introduced them to her. They came back to my room with her and we shared some time with baby Charlie. 

I have to be honest when I say that seeing them hold her for the first time was heart breaking for some reason. My instincts were jumping out of my skin, telling me to go get her and take her back. She was my baby, my daughter. Looking back, I wonder if it all was happening too soon....but I was able to remain calm and keep my composure. I'm sure the fact that I couldn't move after the surgery and all of the drugs I was on helped with this, but I'd like to think my mind helped me stay strong, too. 

They came to visit me every day that weekend while I recovered. They would only come by for a couple hours at a time which was exactly what I needed. Before I went into the hospital to have Charlie, we did make a plan with them to help sort of guide how the weekend would go. They stayed at a hotel near the hospital and brought some friends of theirs along to help kill time and help them stay emotionally and mentally stable. BCS was awesome in helping us decide how that would go. They knew that I would need my alone time with my daughter and that my emotions would be running on overdrive with all that was going on. I am so thankful they helped us to do a smooth transition from birth, to interim care, to adoption. 

Right now, Charlie is still technically in what they call interim care. I signed the papers that terminate my parental rights three weeks after she was born. The laws in Iowa make it so that the birth mom cannot sign those documents until three days after the child's birth. This is because they want to make sure the mom knows exactly what she is doing and doesn't do anything while under the stress and craziness that is giving birth. I thought, before I gave birth, that I would be able to do that for sure after three days. Boy was I wrong. What I loved about BCS is that they told me a million times that I could sign those papers whenever I felt like I was ready. Turns out I wasn't ready until three weeks later. I just needed time for my heart to catch back up with my head. I needed them to agree that what I was doing was the right thing. 

So now, the parents I chose for her are taking care of her and the adoption should take roughly six months to be finalized. It's such a long process, but well worth it for this beautiful child. It was so fun to get to talk to her parents after I signed the documents because they were finally able to start talking about her as if she were their daughter. Hearing her mom say how much she loved her for the first time melted my heart. I no longer feel anger or hurt when I see them with her. I feel an abundance of love and joy! It is so exciting and helps me to know that I did the right thing. I have no regrets about the choices I have made thus far. 

Bethany Christian Services has continued to be in contact with myself and Charlie's parents throughout this entire process. They are truly fantastic! I feel like there is not enough space on the internet to talk about how much I love them. If you are looking for a wonderful support system or just answers to any questions you may have on adoption or unplanned pregnancies, I would always support talking to the people at Bethany Christian Services. 

Here's a link to their website: www.bethany.org

And just in case you forgot how adorable Charlie is...

xoxo

A Very Happy Opportunity

Shortly after posting this blog, my friend Tim Overlin reached out to me and asked me to come do a short interview on a podcast he does for Life Right Now. It's a great organization that is working to promote life, so how could I say no? :) I was so honored to be offered a chance to verbalize my thoughts and emotions when it comes to this issue and my own personal story.

Though listening to myself talk is horrifying, I want this to be shared and I hope that if you or anyone you know is going through something like this alone, you will find peace in knowing that there is help and people available to walk with you through this.

Feel free to also check out their website for more information! Here's the link:

http://liferightnow.net/2014/08/06/life-right-now-podcast-8-2-14/

xoxo

Time for a Visit!

One of the things that goes along with an open adoption is the opportunity to go and visit with your child. This particular aspect is what made the hardest choice I've ever had to make, just a little bit easier. The moment Charlie arrived, I loved her more than anything or anyone on this planet. I can't imagine a world where she doesn't exist, nor can I imagine a world where I don't get to see her and tell her how much I love her. This is the true beauty of open adoption.

I want to shed some light on what visits are like and what sort of emotions come along with them. Every open adoption is different; some being open to the point of letting the birth mom take care of the child for a weekend while the parents get some time to themselves, and some are more closed and are limited to just sending email updates and pictures every year. It really depends on the people involved, honestly. 

I would say that mine is somewhere in between these two extremes and so far it is working for us. The plan I made with the adoptive parents was that I would come visit every week for two hours at a time while I am on maternity leave. After that, we will move to monthly visits. Right now the adoptive mom also sends me three pictures every day of Della and gives me little updates. We also text and keep up with how each other are doing. The most important part of having a successful open adoption is building a healthy and strong relationship with each other. 

The first week after Charlie was born, the photos that her mom sent me were vital to my mental state. I was in such agony without her with me, but being able to see her and know that she was OK made it just a little bit better. The first time we went to visit her, my parents came with me and we just took turns holding her and chatting about how my recovery was going. (I had a cesarean and was still in some pain) Leaving that day was really hard...I never want my visits with her to end. I feel like the time goes so quickly. As we were driving home, my heart felt a mixture of emotions...I was so sad to be leaving her again but I also felt so happy with my decision. I knew I was doing the right thing and I loved seeing Charlie with her new parents. Somehow the happiness I felt was starting to outweigh the pain I was feeling. 

Over the next few weeks, I loved getting to see her grow! Holy smokes, you parents weren't kidding when you say, "They grow up so fast." It's insane...my perfect little peanut is quickly become a perfect little nugget. I love it but I dread it all at the same time. 

Today's visit was great. I went by myself this time, which was nice because I didn't have to share her with my mom. (My mom is a Charlie hoarder, always wanting more time to hold her) We had lunch, we cuddled and I even got to change what they call a "blow out" diaper. What shocked me the most is that I wasn't once grossed out by it. I was more than happy to change her and to know that her digestive system is working correctly. Plus she is just so cute. 

We got in some nice cuddles today and she slept pretty soundly after she got her diaper changed. It was lovely...I wish I could just hold her all the time. She threw me for a loop though because she was able to move her head around all by herself! I was not ready for that. She is getting so strong! She is also able to get a good grip on whatever she wants. She pulled on my shirt a lot while we were cuddling...it was so sweet. 

As I drove home, I felt just a twinge of sadness because I hate leaving her, but like I said earlier, the joy and happiness I feel for her and her parents is overwhelming the sadness I feel. I am so happy with how our open adoption story is being written. Charlie is so surrounded by love and amazing people; for that I am grateful. I love my time with her, I love telling her how beautiful and amazing she is and I love seeing her sweet eyes sparkle up at me. 

xoxo