Three years ago I was a 25 year old who was scared, unsure, nervous and unaware of what the next few days/weeks/years of her life would be like. I had no idea how difficult actually placing my child with a new family would be. I wasn't prepared for the amount of love I would feel for this child I would be bringing into the world. Speaking of bringing her into the world, I was not ready to share her with anyone else yet. It's crazy how slowly those nine months went at first, but then once it was almost over, it felt like I didn't have any time at all. The time I carried Charlie in my womb was truly the only time she was really all mine. Nobody could take her away from me and I liked it that way...probably because I knew that I would have to eventually give her to someone else and I hated that.
Let me be clear, I wish every day that I never had to place Charlie with another family. I still have dreams where everything was different leading up to her birth; that I wasn't raped and she was conceived in love, that I was with my husband and not a total stranger, that I was on my own and not still reliant on my parents to give me a place to live, that I had a job that paid the bills instead of barely making ends meat. So many things that could have been different that would allow me to keep her and raise her. But that just wasn't the situation. And I did what I had to do in order to make sure she had the life I knew she deserved. So while I wish that I never had to do the adoption, I am also so thankful that it was an option for me and my daughter. I am even more thankful to have the relationship I have with her parents. We genuinely love each other and being able to share in each other's joys and heartaches has been a huge part of my healing. They are truly incredible humans and my daughter is so lucky to have them as parents. (Baby girl--don't you ever forget that. You are SO LUCKY to have them. Also, your welcome for choosing them.)
So as I sit here, reflecting on the last three years and waiting for tomorrow when my baby will turn three, I can't help but be so thankful and in awe of what God has done in my life. What should have been a crippling event in my life actually ended up being the most amazing and inspiring part of my life. I have come a long way from that 25 year old girl. I can confidently say that I love who I am today and I'm proud of the now 28 year old woman I am.
So as my girl turns 3 tomorrow, I will smile and remember all those sweet moments when it was just us, smile when I remember the notes her parents gave me as we left the hospital together, smile as I remember all the visits and times I got to hold her, cuddle her, kiss her and play with her. I am so happy and impressed with the 3 year old she has become. She's amazing! She smiles, laughs, dances and brings joy to everyone she meets! She reminds me of myself at times, my brother at other times and my mom a lot of the time. She is silly, imaginative and creative. She's also a genius, I'm certain of it. I just love her to pieces.
So my sweet girl, happy almost three year old birthday!! Here's to another amazing year for you!! I will see you in just a couple weeks when we are back in Iowa. You will get to meet Casey for the first time! He's so excited to see you, but also nervous you won't like him. But you pretty much like everyone, so I don't think it'll be any problem! :)