2015: What A Year

This year has been like a whirlwind and I can't believe tomorrow will be the first day of 2016! This year has been filled with so much excitement, change, love and growth for the both of us, little Charlie. No matter what has happened throughout the year, it seems like my love for you continues to grow with each day. I have said to my mother a million times that I never knew I could love another person this much...it's too hard to explain in words. And even though I don't get to see you all the time, you are embedded in my heart and there isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think about you.

So lets talk about what has happened this year....and you'll start to understand just how amazing it's been!

-You started to grow teeth and now have an almost full set of chompers.
-I moved to my first apartment all by myself (without roommates) and loved it.
-Your dad continued his education and somehow maintained a 4.0.
-My parents sold my childhood home and downsized.
-You started to walk and your mom started to panic daily.
-I got promoted at work and started my new role as a trainer.
-Your aunt and uncle bought a house right in your neighborhood.
-I moved to Columbus, Ohio.
-You turned one!
-I taught your parents how to use FaceTime.
-You started to learn how to talk.
-I had my first IKEA experience.
-You switched to eating real food instead of just formula.
-I spent entirely too much money on makeup.
-You learned how fun it is to dance to good music.

....and all the while, my love for you just won't stop growing.

We got to spend an entire day together yesterday and our visit was so much fun! You were talkative, smiley and so excited about the Christmas presents you got to open. I would ask you, "Do you like opening presents?" And of course, you would smile and say, "YAH!" It was so sweet and it was amazing to see you responding to questions so easily. You are obviously a baby genius. 

This year, my parents got you a cool learning toy called a See & Say. It is going to help you learn the alphabet and new words as you grow your baby vocabulary. I got you a super cool car toy that makes noise when you steer and has a million buttons for you to enjoy. Your mom always tells me about how you love to go for drives and like to look at cars outside of your window, so I figured this would be a good choice for you. :) 

Here's to another amazing year, baby! I love you so much!! :-*

xoxo

Christian Terrorism: That's a Thing Now

It's frightening to think that my sweet little child will have to grow up in a world that is so filled with hate, cruelty, death, loss, murder, anger, fights, lies, terror and everything else that is scary. How unfair that those who are completely innocent are having to not only be victims of this world, but also be a witness to such a painful time in our history. I feel like we can't go a day without our news feeds blowing up with another act of hate. And now it's hate coming from a group of people who I associate myself with. Again...how unfair.

What saddens me is how other Christians are reacting to this shooting; going onto news posts online, hiding behind their computer screens, and calling this man a hero. Stating that PP workers and it's clients deserve a taste of their own medicine; that they should also die as some form of repayment for all of the lives they've ended through abortion.

Is this seriously how we are behaving?! I am so sickened by this and it makes me ashamed to be grouped with this group of people. That Christian extremists are trying to take scripture, twist it and use it in order to make the hate in their hearts somehow verified. They think they can put a spin on a select few scriptures in order to make it OK to wish death upon another human being. When it comes to misinterpreting the Bible, the issue is NOT with God, it is with the person messing it up.

But this is not how we all think. This is NOT how I think. I am saddened by EVERY death; be it an unborn child, an innocent life cut short by a gun, or a convicted felon being put to death for his crimes. Jesus weeps for this and so do I. We all know my stance on abortion, but it goes much deeper than that. Fighting for every single life is something we should all strive for. Life is not something to take for granted and it's never been our job to determine who can live and who can die. To take that sort of judgement into our own hands is scary and it's something that we can't undo. Once it's done, it's done. No second tries. No do overs. It's just over.

So just to clear things up, not all Christians are happy about what happened on Friday. There are still Christians who want to be Jesus to this world and show love, kindness and mercy. God told us that this sort of thing would happen...that the world would begin wars purely based on religion. And look at us now...every war going on can be tied to people who are mad that other people don't worship the same god that they do.

Praying for those who were hurt or murdered in the shooting, and for every terrorist act happening in our world right now for that matter. Also praying for the people who are choosing to act this way and think this is somehow God's will. And finally I am praying for everyone in the world. We need it.

How Good is Good Enough?

This is a question that I have had running in the back of my mind for so much of my life and for some reason, today's sermon delivered an answer to it. When you grow up as a Christian, with two parents who are so deep and steadfast in their faith, you start to compare yourself to them and the "super Christians" in your church. It's like a constant competition to be the best Christian because you definitely want to stand out when it comes time to knock on those pearly gates, ya know?

So here we are, living in this sin-filled world, trying to be perfect and good enough for God. But how crazy is that? We are human. We will definitely mess up. We will definitely sin. And what's worse is that I think some of the sins might even start to seem like they're not sins. So you start to over look them and this line of what is good and what is bad starts to shift. We start to justify our sins and think, 'Well at least I'm not sinning as much as THAT person.'

Ew. What?!

But this is what trying to be good enough will get you. You will be in this constant, never-ending cycle that will drive you crazy. So how does a Christian feel secure in their faith and their personal relationship with Christ? You realize that God sent His only Son to die on the cross for us. Jesus did for us what we could never do. He lived a perfect, sin-less life and then died anyway. For you, for me, for us. How incredible, right?

One of the things that resonated with me in the sermon today was when the pastor said that whatever our former life has been, it is gone when we repent and trust in the mercy of our Lord. It's like all of the things that I've done in my life that I may not be so proud of are completely forgiven. And all we have to do is ask for it. That's it.

So instead of striving to be good enough or better than the other Christians in our lives, all God wants us to do is seek repentance. It's such a relief. It makes me so thankful that we serve this God who would just offer mercy and grace.

So there it is. There is no good enough; that doesn't exist. All that we have is forgiveness. Boom.

Long Distance Open Adoption

So for those who follow my blog, you know that I recently moved to Ohio, leaving my baby girl in Iowa with her momma and dadda. It was a difficult decision to make and wasn't something I thought I'd be doing so quickly after placing my child for adoption. But post adoption, you have to continue living your life. You must carry on and move forward with your dreams and when an opportunity presents itself, you must take it.

I've been in Ohio for about a month and a half now and my experience, in regards to Charlie, has been difficult. I was just starting to get used to her being a quick two hour drive away from me back in Iowa, and then I threw a big ol' wrench in that when I decided to move my butt ten hours away from her. I was good for about two weeks, distracted by the stress of moving and the newness of being in Ohio. But then it was like one day, my third week here, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I caught myself at my desk crying and aching for my baby. I just wanted to hold her, kiss her, play with her hair, tickle her and get her drool all over my stuff. I wanted to hear her sweet little laugh when she thinks something is funny and her high pitched squeal when she gets excited. I missed her fearless spirit and her wonder and curiosity of everything in the world. And I knew that I wasn't going to get to see her until the middle of November. It was heart breaking for me.

Luckily, I chose some of the most amazing, kind, gracious and caring parents for her. I shot Charlie's mamma a quick text and just said how much I was missing her and asked if we could maybe FaceTime later that week. Of course, she was quick to say, "Yes," and we were able to share about an hour over the phone on a Saturday morning. It was amazing and once again I am thankful for the technology filled world we live in. (Though sometimes scary, it can be good) Charlie loves the camera, so the minute she saw her face and my face on the screen, she was interested in what was going on. It was so fun to see her face and see her just sit on her momma's lap as we chatted and caught up about everything going on.

When it comes to doing an open adoption from a long distance perspective, there's a few things that I think are important to keep in mind.

1. Always be honest and upfront with how you're feeling and what you need to get through those feelings. Both parties (adoptive parents and birth parents) know that this will be difficult and both parties should care about each other. So with that in mind, having that open dialogue is a vital part of the relationship remaining strong and ultimately benefiting the child.

2. Take advantage of technology. It's amazing how easily you can video call, text, send photos, email, voice call, facebook, etc. All of these things are available on any smart phone these days, so there's no excuse for not staying connected.

3. Don't let the new people in your life (who know nothing about your situation) tell you how you should do things or how you should feel about being so far from your child. Stay connected to the people in your life who know you and know your heart, they are the ones who will continue to support you and keep you strong.

4. Pray. Pray every day/week/month/whatever. Pray as often as you can. Pray for your child, your child's parents, the relationship you have. Pray for yourself. I don't want to sound selfish, but I love praying for myself. I think it's changed my relationship with God, having an open discussion with Him about what I need or what I want. (Even though He knows, I feel like telling Him helps)

5. Join birth parent support groups. I've joined a couple on facebook and it's great to have them as an open forum to get advice and share joys with other birth moms. It also makes me thankful for the relationship that I have with Charlie's parents because so many birth mom's have horrible, dysfunctional and pain-filled relationships. It breaks my heart for them. But again, I'm so lucky. So, so lucky.

xoxo

A Successful Move

So I have officially moved to Ohio and started working at my new building. It's all been pretty exciting, and the week my employer gave me to get settled seemed to fly by. Luckily I had my dad with me to help out and put together lots of IKEA furniture. (Surely he must be an angel, as I would still be sleeping on the floor without him.)

I called my mom on Sunday for the first time since I moved and we were able to FaceTime for awhile. It was so good to see her face but you know we both got a little misty-eyed for a few minutes...it's so hard to be separated from your best friend. That's what my mom is to me; my best friend. But we managed to move past that and enjoy some laughs and the rest of our conversation.

While we are on the topic of people I miss greatly...I was able to stop by Charlie's house on the way out of Iowa to spend some time with her before I left. It was awesome! She was happy, outgoing and got to meet my dad, Chris! He thought she was pretty cute (like, duh.) and she really liked his glasses. We got to take a few pictures together and I think I told her that I love her about 100 times and gave her over a million kisses. Even with her snotty nose (teething is the worst) I still loved giving her some sugar.

She also was able to show me that she knows where her nose, eyes, ear, hair, tummy, toes and hands are. Oh, and when you say, "TOUCHDOWN!!" she will throw her hands up in the air. It's pretty much the most adorable thing I've ever seen. Well, she could drool all over my sunglasses and I'd still think she's the most adorable thing I've ever seen...oh wait, that already happened. But you get the idea.

In terms of me adjusting to life out here....I think it's too soon to tell if I'm 100% happy. But I can see myself being very happy out here. I'll share more as I experience more.

So here's a few photos of me and my girl, and my dad meeting her, too! 

And here's me and my dad being super cute on the road!

xoxo

Anger and Hatred

So I don't know if it's because I've been on emotional overload this week, or if it was the radio show I was listening to that set me off....(they were talking about men who have wronged them.) But I was driving home last night and was suddenly filled with the most intense anger and hatred towards Charlie's birth father.

For those who know me, you know that it is a rare occasion that I express any sort of hate or anger towards anyone. It's not in my nature to feel that way and I don't think it's healthy to hold onto such negative feelings. It's also not how Jesus teaches us to treat others...but yet, here I was feeling those exact emotions to an extreme I'd never felt before.

I think everyone grieves things differently, and I'm aware that anger is part of the grieving process. I just wasn't prepared for it to hit me now...like why now? Why would it be literally two years after my last interaction with him be the time it decides to show up?

I'm angry that he took advantage of me. I'm angry that he acted like I was the one who "tricked him" and got myself pregnant; that I wanted to lock him down and ruin his life. I'm angry that he had the nerve to tell me that I was the last person on this earth that he would want to be with, let alone make a child with. I'm angry that he refused to be a part of this child's life; that he showed zero interest in helping me create an adoption plan for her. I'm angry that he asked me to give him yearly updates on her, but that he wouldn't want to really be a part of her life.

I hate how selfish he is, how rude and demeaning he spoke towards me...I hate that his sister had a child a week after I had Charlie and he was there for that birth, but not mine. I hate that he gets to continue living in secrecy...that nobody in his family even knows my daughter exists. I hate that I was the one who had to carry this life, all on my own. I hate that he said, "I'm sorry you have to do this alone." I hate that Charlie will grow up knowing me, but never know the other half of her. I hate that her life had to be started in such an unloving way. I hate that one day I will have to tell her about the start of her life and explain why he isn't around. I hate that it seems like I'm the only one who had to grieve the loss of a child.

I hate that I'm angry. I don't like feeling this way. But I know that I am human and this is a normal human emotion. And as with all of the other emotions I've felt over the last two years, I have given myself permission to fully embrace those feelings. I want to allow my heart to fully grieve, so that when the day comes that I have to recount this all to Charlie, I'll be able to do it with an open heart.

Now I don't like to end posts on a negative note...and since this blog is filled with lots of negative feelings, I want to finish with this thought. Although I feel a lot of hate and anger towards Adam, I have to say that he is the reason I have Charlie. He helped create her, so for that...I also love him. Not in the mushy, romantic, wish things were different kind of way. Just simply for the fact that my beautiful daughter is half of him. I would rather feel all of these things and go through everything again if it meant being able to have her in my life and in this world. She is my joy.

So for mothers or rape/abuse/domestic violence victims, if you're feeling these same things, know that you're not alone. How you are feeling is normal and healthy. You will have to work through this phase in order to move on to a happier and more joy-filled life. And yes, that life is out there for you. Find even one small thing that brings you joy; it will help you remember that there is good in this world.

There is still hope. There is still love. There is still happiness.

As a mother, you know how deep, raw and real the love you have for your child is. And would you believe that there is a God who loves you just like that? His heart breaks when your heart breaks. His eyes sparkle when your eyes sparkle. And His love is enough to heal any hurt you feel on this earth. I hope you can find peace in that. 

xoxo

Preparing To Leave You In Iowa

This time of year (especially with me leaving Iowa in just ten days) has my memories and my heart on overdrive. It was two years ago that you were conceived...a night that was awful, scary and one that I don't even remember. But amidst the darkness that overwhelmed that night, there was you; my little spark of hope. I know it might be hard for some people to understand, but I know God was there that night. If He wasn't, you wouldn't have been a part of it. I have also come to believe that it was God who was, in a way, protecting me by being sure I didn't remember what happened that night. I have glimpses of memories, but nothing concrete and I believe that is God's protective hand taking care of me.

Now fast forward a year from that time and you are here, living in happiness with your new mommy and daddy. And we are anxiously awaiting the court hearing that would terminate your biological father's parental rights. That was September 3, 2014. What a fantastic day that was for all of us...your bio father was not in the picture but he was so unpredictable that we didn't know what to expect from him. We didn't know if he'd try to show up to court that day and fight for you, or if he would continue his spree of not being involved and let the judge sign over his rights. Thankfully, he did not show and your parents could continue with the adoption process.

I was sharing these thoughts with my mom yesterday and it's just crazy that these certain dates or times of year can stir up all of the emotions again. Some of the memories are hard to think back on, but some of them are amazing and happy. Someday we will talk more in depth about all of these things because they are a part of your story. Everyone has a story, yours is already full of tales, decisions, victories and a story that is an incredible example of love. You are so surrounded by love and in turn, you are a beacon of love for us.

As I head out of the state of Iowa, I am going to stop by your house to see you one last time before I move. I'm so excited and look forward to you meeting my dad, Christian. He's driving to Ohio with me and hasn't had a chance to meet you yet since he lives in Arizona. So that will be a fun visit for all of us! I'm trying to prepare myself for how it will feel to give you that final hug and kiss goodbye. But I know that I'll be back in Iowa in November and December, so we will be sure to schedule visits and get to celebrate the holidays together. If I can focus on that, and not the sadness of leaving, I think I'll be OK.

xoxo

Innocent Third Party Heartbreak

In a moment of honest conversation the other day, my mother shared how she is still grieving the adoption of my daughter, Charlie. She told me that sometimes she'll wake up in the night, look at photos of her and just cry. But along with that, she added that it's not that she's entirely sad...she also feels joy and that she also grieves for me; watching her daughter struggle through that year filled with difficult choices, mental break downs and incredible loss. It's like this complicated mess of emotions that you can't explain with words or fully understand with your mind.

When I was pregnant and making my adoption plan, my parents stood by me the entire time. They were my support system and loved me harder than they ever have. It's beyond humbling to know just how much these people will do for me. That no matter what happens in my life, they will always lift me up and choose love. And while I know it was hard for them to stand with me, for some reason it surprised me that they were still struggling with the effects of the adoption.

When people talk about adoption, you typically only hear about the adoptive parents, the birth parents and the child who is being adopted. You rarely hear discussions about how this whole thing effects the families of those people involved. My mom, dad and brother were attached to Charlie from the moment they saw her. Probably even before they saw her. I'll never forget how warm my heart was when I saw my brother holding her for the first time....you would have thought he'd never been so in love  with another person before.

To say that my family never felt the pain I felt over the last couple of years would be false. But to counteract that, to say that my family hasn't also felt the incredible joy that I've felt would also be false. It's like they feel all of the emotions that I feel and it's been a journey for all of us. I would hope that my family would stand with me, yet again, when I say that this journey is a worthwhile one. That every part of our broken heart has been healed by the smile on Charlie's face, by the love and care we see her receiving by her parents, by being able to share in her life and by God's perfect love and grace for us all.

So when you know of a person involved with adoption, don't discount those around them. Take the time to ask how their parents are doing or how their friends are supporting them. These are all third party people who have some investment in their lives and it effects all of them. But when you are doing that, be gracious and kind. Because you never know what phase of grief they may be going through....I know that sometimes I can discuss my adoption story very openly without being too emotional, but sometimes just the thought of Charlie brings me to tears.

I'm hoping those reading this can take away from it and learn more about how adoption looks, at least from the eyes of a birth mother.

xoxo

Birth Mother's Loss

"Neither society nor the adopter who holds the child in her arms wants to confront the agony of the mother from whose arms the same child was taken." -Margaret McDonald Lawrence

I have a love/hate relationship with that quote. I love it because it helps me remember that when I tell people that I placed my daughter in an adoption, their awkward and poorly formulated responses are normal. Because who really knows how to respond to that? No one. But I hate it because I don't want Charlie's new mom to ever feel like I feel like my child was "taken" from me. She didn't take anything from me. I placed my child in her arms. So if I could have a chat with Ms Lawrence, I'd ask her to simply rephrase that last little bit of her beautiful quote. 

I have worked really hard to remain strong and positive over the last 13 months. Up until this point, I thought it'd be best if Charlie only knew me as happy and proud of my decision. But recently, after being familiarized with a term that I hadn't heard yet, I'm realizing that I have it; birth mothers loss.  

And side note to Charlie: It is my sincere intent to always be open, honest and up front with you about everything. You deserve that, and even if I tell you I need more time to give you certain answers, know that they will be known to you eventually.

So now that I'm aware of it, I've realized that it is something I'm experiencing. Not only that, but I think it's important for my daughter to know that I have been grieving and will continue to grieve the loss of being her mother. I wanted and still want to badly to be the one raising you...but I know that it would have been selfish of me to keep you because I can't give you everything you deserve. But despite me knowing that what I did was the absolute right thing...I still have pain. 

The pain can vary depending on the day, honestly. On the days leading up to a visit with you, it seems to lessen because I can look forward to getting to see you! But then the minute we get back in the car to leave, it hits me again. And on special occasions, the pain is bad...I want to experience everything with you. I want to see your awe at the Christmas tree. I want to see you shove your hand into that piece of cake and stuff it in your mouth. But here's what I want more...I want you to be with a mother and a father who love each other and have jobs stable enough to support you and all of the things you'll want to do. I want you to know just how loved you are by all of my family and your new family. And I want you to know that my choice to place you with another family was the hardest and probably will be thee hardest thing I've ever done. And I miss you. Every day. I think about you all the time. I cry for you. But I smile for you, too. It's so far beyond complicated, but I'm trying my best to explain.

So yes, as a birth mother, I do grieve the loss of my daughter. And I'm thankful that this is normal. That I'm not the first or the last to experience this. I hope that someone who is dealing with this will read this and know they're not alone.

My fear is that my daughter will feel bad for me...but I don't want her to. I want her to know that despite this pain, I am overjoyed by her life. And to also know that I'm not the only mom in this adoption who has felt loss or pain. Your adoptive mom has lost multiple children, which is why she is aware and sensitive to what I'm feeling. She is exceptional at being supportive of me. Before we left the hospital with you, her and I shared a private moment in my room and she prayed for us and for you. Her prayer was so special to me, I don't think she'll ever know how much that helped me get thru the events of handing you over to her. 

But just know that while this whole thing isn't normal, it's good. And right. And healthy. We will all be great throughout this whole thing. 

xoxo

How To Deal With Worry As A Birth Mother

As a birth mother, you will always have those 'mama bear' instincts. It's hard to explain to those women who haven't had children, but it's like a switch that gets flipped...for some it's the moment they find out they are expecting and for others, it's the moment they see their child for the first time. For me, it was the moment I knew I was pregnant. I was consumed with protecting and caring for this life inside of me. And of course, once you care so much about another human, you begin to worry about things that are ridiculous.

My worries varied with each stage of my pregnancy....first it was about telling my family. Then it moved to choosing parents to raise this child that I love so much. And when I watched the news, my worries seemed to triple instantly because this world is so scary and I don't want my sweet and innocent girl to be ruined by it. I'm pretty sure that last one is going to stick with me forever, unfortunately. Especially with this world getting crueler and colder every day.

But now, I have different worries added onto the normal "mom" stuff. As a birth mother, there are other things that enter the picture and no one could have prepared me for it. There's very little information about what adoption or open adoption is like and how it affects the birth mother, so it's just a matter of navigating your way through it. One phrase has gotten me through much of this..."What you're feeling is normal." My mom has spoken these words to me so many times over the last two years or so. Even though she really doesn't know what is normal in this situation, she reminds me that whatever it is I'm feeling has to be normal. Because there is no normal. So just let yourself feel it and go through it. That is what is normal; feeling and going through human emotion.

So to all the birth mothers out there: What you are feeling is normal. It's OK to be sad, mad, happy, scared, hope-filled, stressed, relieved, loved, not loved....literally all of it is normal. I think I've felt extremes of all of these things throughout this entire process. And it's NORMAL. It's going to be OK.

The things I worry about now are things like: "Will she remember me on this next visit or still be a little cautious to let me hold her?" "I hope she and her new parents are safe on their trip to Colorado...I can't imagine getting a call saying they were in an accident." "What if she gets hurt and I'm too far away to be there for her?" "What will she think when she realizes I'm her birth mom?" "Will she love me?" "What do her parents think of me?" "Are they going to ever stop letting me see her?" "What would I do if I couldn't talk to her or see her?" "What will it be like the next time I have a child?" "Will a man ever fully understand what I have been through? Will he accept my past and not judge me for it?" "What will I tell her about her birth father?" "How old should she be when I tell her what happened?"

All of these thoughts go through my head almost daily. It's hard to not let it consume you or to not over think it. But what helps me move forward with my life is the fact that I took careful consideration when making my daughter's adoption plan. I hand picked two amazing parents for her and I built a solid relationship with them before she even got here. So I can rest assured that my daughter is well taken care of. And I have a God who is in control of all of our lives and will continue to provide love, support and understanding for us as we continue this crazy journey.

So to recap. It's normal. And trust your instincts. You know whats best for your baby. So whatever choices you have made, those were good. Don't second guess yourself. And then pray a lot. God has been amazing to my daughter and I. I trust that He will continue to be amazing.

xoxo

How Do We Act When Faced With Negativity?

On Thursday of last week, I made a simple comment on a post that showed adoptive parents meeting their daughter for the first time. It was so touching to me and brought back the memories I have of seeing Charlie's parents holding her for the first time. I just felt compelled to comment and shared just a small portion of my story as a birth mother.

On Friday morning, my comment had over 2,000 likes and over 50 comments. In fact, my phone died over night because there were so many notifications coming through. I tried my best to read every comment and show my appreciation for all of the kind words I was receiving. After all, the original post was not even about me...I didn't intend to take away attention from the beautiful moment that was being shared.

However, as the weekend progressed...more and more likes were given but I also received more and more comments. Eventually, some of those comments became rude and negative...Some people couldn't understand how anyone could "give away" their baby. Some people noted that "if you can't raise your baby, then you shouldn't have one." And some were even under the impression that "poor white girls like me were just being used by rich white women to get babies."

This is the subtle/g-rated version of what I was reading. And I have to admit that for a minute, those few negative comments quickly overwhelmed all of the positive ones I was getting. How sad is that? But so true to how humans operate...we will focus on the negative much more than we focus on the positive. I was instantly outraged by these comments and wanted to write back and speak about how wrong they were. They were speaking as if they knew me and were so quick to judge me. How dare they?

What I had to work through was the fact that these people did NOT know me. Like I said, I only shared a small portion of my story, which could leave many of the question marks unanswered. Of course they would fill in with their own answers, which would lead them to their own opinions. Even if those opinions were nasty.

So how do we respond? How does a Christian react to such harsh judgements and rude commentary? How does a woman who is still quite vulnerable in her choices made about her daughter answer to these people? She speaks with love. I respond with truth, love and humility. I don't know everyone else's story, just like they don't know mine. So for me to judge them as rude/mean/negative humans is not my job either. We have to rise above what we are reading and remember that our own lives are just that...ours.

This is my life. This is my daughters life. I know that what I chose for my daughter and for myself was the best thing I could have done. No one can tell me otherwise. Nobody forced me into this decision, I was fully aware of what I was doing. In fact, I didn't even make this final decision until three weeks after she was born. I had come to terms with what I was giving up as a parent, but also what I was gaining for both my daughter and I. We would both come out of this thing with the best. And that is what we both deserved.

So from one birth mom to all of the other moms out there, lets stop breaking down each other. We all know what the love of a mother feels like. Placing Charlie in another woman's arms was the most heart breaking thing I've ever gone through. It still pains me to even think about that moment. But as time has gone by, I feel more and more joy. The sadness and pain seem to diminish because I feel nothing but peace about my decision. When I see Charlie smile and giggle, I know that she is so happy! She clings to her new mommy for safety, comfort and love. And as much as I wish it were me she were clinging to, I'm so happy to see her bonded with her new mom.

Someday, I will have more children....and when I do, it'll be so special. I know what it's like to leave the hospital empty handed...but the next time, I will come home with the love and joy of a child. I will come home from the hospital with my husband and with a room ready for this new life we will have created together. We will have planned for this child...we will both want this child. There will be no shame, pain, abuse or fear in the making of this child. Things will happen the way God intended them to.

And for that, I am beyond blessed. I am blessed to have Charlie in my life. I am blessed to be able to share this story with others. I am blessed to spread knowledge about open adoption. I am blessed to have a beautiful and supportive family. I am blessed to be a child of God.

Now someone tell me there isn't love here in this adoption. Just look at this sweet little face! 

xoxo

What Will Distance Do To Us?

Hi baby girl,

I probably need to stop calling you that now that you're one. But to me, you'll always be my little baby girl. So just get used to that. :)

This is a blog I've been dreading to write, but I know it has to happen. Right now there is only about an hour and a half drive between us and I love it. You are near enough that I could get to you pretty quickly but far enough that you and your parents have space to be your own family. But recently at work, I was given a promotion and offered a relocation. This all came with much excitement, but the minute they said relocation, you were the first person I thought about.

They want me to move to Ohio, which is where my company is headquartered. There is a lot of opportunity for my career advancement out there, but it's so far from you and from everyone/everything I've ever known here in Iowa. Plus, it's not even warm! I'm just moving from one snowy state to another! Hmph.

There will soon be 10 hours between us. 600+ miles of distance to travel in order to see eachother face to face. When I was at your house last weekend, it was so hard to imagine what that will be like. I love seeing you, holding you, playing with you and laughing with you. You bring me more joy than I can even put into words! But what I also know is that I want you to be proud of me...I want you to know that I didn't stop going for my dreams and goals. What happened to me could have crippled me and my life, but because of you I want to do more and be a better person. This job and next step in my life is just that. It is more and will make me a better person.

Because I chose adoption, it allows me to return to the life I had started before I was blessed with you in my tummy. So I hope that by me moving away and pursuing bigger and better things, you know that nothing can stop you from being amazing. You can make choices to better yourself and to push yourself to be more. And that is what I'm intending to do.

As for you and me...We will FaceTime and every time I come back home, I will always make a visit to see you. You are my family. Your parents are my family. So seeing you is as much of a priority as seeing my mom and dad is. And I know that the love I have for you is strong enough that you will feel it wherever we may be.

Love you,

Ashley

xoxo

Happy 1st Birthday!!

So the day is here!! Your very first birthday! I can't believe you are one year old today....this year has flown by! And you are just as amazing today as you were the first day I saw your sweet face. It's been amazing to see how you've grown, learned, advanced, discovered and taken this life by storm. You are such a happy, carefree and joyous little girl...so full of wonder and curiosity about everyone and everything. It's so amazing to know that you have changed so many lives in just your short life! Even people you don't know are inspired by you and your life has changed how they view adoption and open adoption. How amazing is that??

One year ago, I woke up from probably the worst sleep I've ever had...I knew that I was going to have to stop keeping you all to myself and start sharing you with this world. My dad let me sleep in my parents bed with my mom..I think partially because I couldn't get comfortable with you in my tummy and partially because he knew I just needed my mom. That night I woke up several times crying and my mom would just hold me until I fell back to sleep.

The next day we woke up early to be at the hospital by 8 am. I was scheduled to go into surgery to have you delivered at 10 am. But apparently the hospital had other plans...we didn't end up going into surgery until about 2 pm! So you can imagine I was feeling pretty anxious having to wait an extra four hours! But we finally got down to the special room for c-section deliveries and 37 minutes later, you were here! I can't put into words how amazing it was to finally see you and hear your sweet cries. Once the nurses finished checking your vitals and measuring you, my mom was the first one to hold you. She brought you over to me, since I was still tied to this table and being closed up. I remember smiling so big my lip split open! I didn't even care though...you just made me so happy.

Once we got out of surgery, my dad was in my room waiting for us. He was also pretty smitten with you once he got to hold you! We spent those first few hours just enjoying you...and you spent those first few hours just sleeping. Being pulled out of my tummy must have been exhausting for you! You were so beautiful and just..perfect. I know every mom says that about their babies, but I have it on good authority that you were the cutest baby in the nursery. You just had this perfect fair skin, a little flush in your cheeks, and big beautiful blue eyes. You came out just the way God created you and that is perfect.

You were 7 pounds and 6.8 ounces big, 19 inches long. All ten fingers and all ten toes were where they were supposed to be. Your lungs and heart and mind were all in working order. You had quite the high pitched cry! (A singer, no doubt) And you fit perfectly in my arms. And you always will, sweet baby girl. No matter how old you are, I will always cherish holding you.

This last year has been amazing, Charlie. So much has happened, and there's still so much more that will happen! I just hope you know that no matter your age, the distance between us, what happens in my life or what happens in your life, I will love you relentlessly. Nothing in this world will ever change that.

Happy birthday!! Can't wait to see what this next year brings!!

xoxo

Happy Birthmom's Day To Me!!

What does it mean to be a mom? What does it mean to be a birth mom? These are questions and identities that I have struggled with over the last 10+ months and while I still probably don't have the correct or perfect answer, I can tell you what it means to me.

First of all, the only reason we feel compelled to place labels like mom or birth mom on people in a situation involving adoption is purely to help other people, and most importantly the child, identify correctly with each person. I find value in this mainly for my daughter because I want her to call her adoptive mom, Mom. Nothing more and nothing less. Just Mom. I am also her mom, but I play a different type of mom role. I gave her life and made the first, most important decision of her life for her. While legally I signed my rights over to her new parents, I still feel such a strong tie to her and I will never stop feeling like her mom. I just have to take a back seat from now on and let her new mommy make all of the other big decisions for awhile.

Being a mom and being a birth mom are synonymous in my situation, but for the sake of everyone, I will happily accept the label of birth mom. Because not everyone gets to be a birth mom. I feel beyond lucky and so blessed that I was given the opportunity to carry Charlie and give her life. God has truly been good to me. :)

So the other neat thing about being Charlie's birth mom is that I get to celebrate today, a day ahead of Mother's Day! I get a whole day just to relish in the fact that I have a beautiful, goofy, smiley, brave and gap-toothed child in my life who I can still hold, laugh with, enjoy and love. I may not get to spend this time with you, but I will be thinking of you a lot today, baby girl.

In my particular adoption story, I feel joy for Charlie's new mommy and the fact that she will be celebrating her first Mother's Day tomorrow. In the last couple of years, Mother's Day had been a reminder to her that she had lost her two babies long before she could ever hold them. I can't imagine what it would feel like to completely lose a piece of your heart like that. So now that she has Charlie to love and cherish, she will be able to embrace the entire day because she is a MOM! It's also pretty exciting because Charlie will be getting dedicated tomorrow at church. One more reason I so love her parents...they promised me to raise her in a home filled with Christ's love. This was probably the most important thing to me when deciding who should raise my baby. So far, they are nailing it on the head!

As a child, you always plan a big surprise or wonder what gift to give your mommy on this special day that recognizes her. It feels so funny to me now because, as a mom, I don't want anything else. I already have the best gift I have ever received. No other gift compares. So I say to my own mother, now I understand that you really meant it when you said we didn't need to get you anything, you just wanted to spend time with us. I can't believe I can understand the love you have for me, finally. That is some serious stuff! When I know how much I love Charlie...to think that someone in this world loves me that much, too? It is enough to make my heart grow three times. :)

So to all the mommies, birth moms, adoptive moms, surrogate mothers, and everyone in between, Happy Mothers Day. You deserve it. Enjoy this time! But remember, every day of your life will forever be another day of blessing with the sweet child you have in your life.

 xoxo

Change Happens

So, I just realized I haven't posted on here for almost two months! And a lot has happened in those two months....things change all the time and this is a lesson I am learning to accept. Even when we aren't ready for change, or as much as we may fight to avoid change, it is inevitable.

Charlie-one day you will start to learn how valuable this lesson in life is. But I know that you will have a strong and resilient heart, which will help you adapt to what this beautiful life will throw at you. My parents have always said if I am anything, I am resilient. I used to not really care about this trait, but as I've grown older, it is something I cling to. My life has not gone the way I ever imagined it would, but you never know your own strength until you are required to be strong. That is something I know for sure.

My sweet girl is almost 10 months old!! You have four little baby teeth and your top two teeth have a little gap between them. It's adorable and you might also fancy to know that my mother was gap-toothed growing up. Her dad fixed it by wrapping a rubber band around them every night until the gap was closed. And to this day, she still has the most beautiful, straight teeth I've ever seen.You are also on the brink of walking...you never even figured out crawling, you just went for the gold and started stomping around.

In my life, I've experienced a few exciting things and a few hard things recently. I met a guy shortly after you were born and he was amazing. He knew about you and would let me cry when I missed you, looked at every picture I loved and took an interest in you and how you were doing. He was also very kind...he treated me well and was never disrespectful. We laughed a lot and he let me be myself, which made being with him so easy. I even fell in love with him. We dated for several months and it was great. But then when we started talking about a more serious future, I had to make a decision about what I wanted for my future and I ended up breaking up with him. We didn't agree on our faith and that is something I value highly. (Charlie, one of the reasons I chose your parents was their strong faith. I wanted that for you and I hope you love being surrounded by God's love all the time in your home as you grow. I had that, and I wouldn't change a thing.) It was really difficult to leave him because there was real love there, but it just wasn't right. I hope to remain friends with him because I cherish his laugh, humor, kind heart and the way he allowed me to grow into the person I am today.

So for now, I'm happy to focus on me. I know what I want and I hope that I can set an example for you...that it is never going to work if you give up something that is meaningful to you. Never sacrifice who you are for a "what if" situation, it's not fair to either of you. I know that God has a very special person already chosen for me and even for you! We just need to be patient and allow God to move in our lives. He'll take care of everything.

Anyway, we are coming to see you this Saturday!! I'm so excited!! This stretch between visits has been so hard, but also good for me. I have to get used to seeing you less as you grow. Once you turn one, we will probably start doing less frequent visits. This is for everyone's benefit. I have to learn to let go of parts of your life and your parents need to be able to just be your parents. I'll be like an aunt...a really, really cool aunt. :) It's a mixed bag, but you are at the center of every choice we make when it comes to this new and exciting adoption adventure. I hope you know how loved, cherished and special you are to me, sweet girl. Nothing will ever take your place in my heart.

Love you forever, xoxo

Happy 8 Month Birthday!!

So yesterday was your 8 month birthday, Charlie! Woah, time flies!! I was able to come visit you this last week and you have grown into such a strong, happy and smart little girl already. You took your first steps this last week but you do a lot better when you have someone helping you and holding your hands. You are super strong and have a grip that could break a finger...you just don't know your own strength yet! Oh, and you have two teeth that have cut through on your bottom gums! You're a lot bigger than most babies your age...your last doctors appointment verified that when they measured you at the size of a 13 month old. You're just going to be a tall pretty girl! :)

It's been so fun to see you every month as you've grown and very special to build a relationship with your parents as we have our little visits. They are truly some of the most remarkable people I have ever met. They are strong, devoted and more loving than most people you will encounter in this world. I love them so much and I am thankful they will be your example of love as you grow. You really seem to like them, too! At our last visit, we were playing on the floor together when your dad got home from work and you saw him and smiled so big! You were so happy to see him and it just melts my heart to see you loving your parents already.

As we continue to develop our adoption story, your mom and I are learning how to keep things healthy and normal for all of us, especially you. Your mom has been faithful in sending me at least one photo every day since you were born. That is incredible and it has helped me tremendously in my own healing process. But, by having her do that every day it felt like it sort of took away from her being able to fully focus on loving you and just being your mommy. Its also hard for me sometimes because I'll be living my every day life and then receive a picture of you, and its like my whole world stops because I want to relish that photo and just stare at it as long as I can. It's like I had to switch hats every day to feel like I was still giving you as much time and love as I need to. Your mom and I talked about it though, and we both agreed that it is healthy for both of us to just move to weekly photos. That way she can completely focus on you and I can have one awesome moment when I get those photos. I need to remember that even if I don't see a photo of you every day, it doesn't mean that you aren't on my mind and in my heart every day.

You know, I keep a photo of you right here on my desk at work, I have a picture of us together as my background on my computer and I have over 100 saved pictures on my phone of you! So I'm connected to you all the time and I can see you any time I want! :)

Well sweet baby girl, happy birthday! Can't wait to see you grow over the next month and see what other amazing things you will learn to do!! :)

xoxo

How Self Worth Happens

So this blog doesn't necessarily correlate directly to Charlie or the adoption, but I think it could be a valuable one for women who, like me, didn't/don't see themselves as worthy of genuine love. When I agreed to go out with the guy who became Charlie's birth dad, I just wanted him to like me. I didn't care what he liked about me, I just needed attention of some sort. And based on previous encounters I had with the opposite sex, I wasn't sure I was worth more than just my body. It's really hard for me to write this down but it's the truth.

I was reminded of this the other day when I ran into a guy who I had briefly dated the other day. He will forever be known as the guy who completely ruined my confidence and self worth for a solid chunk of time in my life. When I was dating him, it was all in secret...like he didn't want to be seen with me in public. And he wouldn't kiss me or anything, but he was willing to receive the physical attention I would give him. (Sorry mom and dad) When I finally asked him about this, he told me that he just wasn't attracted to me and that I was only really good for one thing. He didn't need him to elaborate on that "one thing" and I immediately left in tears. As I am reliving this, my heart breaks for the girl I used to be. I can't believe I allowed myself to be taken advantage of like that, let alone let someone else tell me I'm not attractive and believe it.

Needless to say, once I was in my car the other day after running into him, I immediately had to have a quick text convo with one of my closest friends who has been there for me through all of this. And though I didn't need to be told what an asshole he was, or to be reminded that I am beautiful, she was there with her quick wit and reassurance that I'm clearly better off now. It made me realize how far I've come from that young girl, crying in my car because I didn't think anyone could possibly love me. Today I can happily say that I am a beautiful person and I am beyond happy with my life and the choices I've made.

What inspired me to recant this tale is that I know there are countless other girls who fall into that same trap every day. I work with some of the most spectacular high school girls and it pains me to think that any of them could ever feel the way I felt about myself. It's so easy for us to believe lies and to even build them to bigger lies in our heads. It's not so easy to see the beauty that lies within all of us. I love being able to show and tell other people, boys and girls, what makes them so special and why they are completely worthy of love.

The biggest lesson I think in all of this comes from God. God has love for everyone, even if people sometimes don't feel worthy or love Him back. He's still got it. Regardless of what stupid mistakes I've made in my past, I know that I was only able to make the good choices, the hard choices, through His love and His example of what genuine love looks like. Sending your Son to die for us? I can't even imagine.

I also find strength through the people God has placed in my life. My mom and step-dad are the purest example of selfless, relentless, passionate and Christ-like love I have ever witnessed on this earth. They are incredible people to each other and to everyone they meet. Watching them work as husband and wife is something I will never be able to repay them for. The lessons they have taught my siblings and I about life and love are invaluable. Just the fact that my parents stood by me through my entire pregnancy and supported every decision I made is amazing. I know my mom and I were both looking for a way to take Charlie home with us from the hospital, but we knew it wasn't the best thing for her. They felt every heart break with me, but loved me through it.

It is these types of people who I receive my full cup of genuine love. In fact, my cup runneth over every day. Christ fills it, my family fills it, my friends fill it, I fill it and even Charlie fills it. I no longer need what that little girl crying in the car needs to feel worthy. Thank God for that.

Sometimes you just gotta brag about the human you made...