Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Fond Memories

I want to take time to acknowledge the people who have been relentless with their support, grace and love towards me throughout this experience. It's crazy how the people you love the most are the hardest people to share, what you believe to be, horrible news with. What is more crazy is how those people are the ones who love you through the hardest chapter in your life's story book. My family are those people, the ones who I love so much. I must be the luckiest person to have been given these wonderful people to be in my life. (This is something my mom and I like to call 'God's Favor.') 

My beautiful mother with Baby Charlie


My mom is some fantastic mix of love, beauty, kindness, compassion, happiness, resilience and grace. She is a fantastic example of what it means to be God's light to others and I am blessed to call her my own mother. Telling my mom that I was pregnant was one of the hardest parts of this entire journey. I was silly to think that she would love me any less. Not only did I feel her love grow for me over the last year, but she became my partner. She was there for me the entire way through; doctor visits, telling me what is normal in a pregnancy, helping me when the pregnancy got painful, telling me that I was beautiful, holding my hand every time I broke down and just loving me more than I will ever deserve. 

She was with me in the delivery room and those moments of joy were so amazing to share with her. I couldn't ask for a better soul to help guide me through this journey. She has helped me discover just how much love I deserve and so much about the person I want to be. She is my best friend. 

Mom, I will love you forever and I can't wait for Charlie to know just how much you loved her from the moment you knew she was coming. I know it is so hard for you to watch your grandchild from afar, but we both know that she is surrounded by so much love, both from our family and from her new family. We will be able to share so much joy and laughter watching her grow and going to visit her! 



My super awesome dad with Baby Charlie



My dad is one of those people who knows exactly what to say at the exact right time. He has been such an encouragement to me throughout this process and has brought a calming and peaceful surrounding for not just myself, but for our entire family. I can't remember how many times I heard him say that he will walk with me through this. Hearing this from him always calmed my heart; it was easy to feel alone in this and knowing that I wasn't is something that I am beyond thankful for. 

I started seeing a therapist when I found out that I was pregnant and he was kind enough to go with me every time. A lot of the time we were meeting with her, I had a hard time being able to verbalize what I was feeling or thinking and because he knows me so well, he was able to help me get across my thoughts. 

Something unique about my relationship with my dad is that he's not my biological dad, he's my step dad. He married my mom when I was about 5 years old and has treated me as if I were his own daughter ever since. He is such a fantastic example of what unconditional love looks like. Because he is able to love me as his own, I know that it is possible for the parents I've chosen for Charlie to love her as their own. 

As I was preparing this blog, I wanted to verify with all of my family that it was OK to share their photos for anyone to see. When I asked him if it was OK with him, he quickly said that he had no problem with that and he is as comfortable with it as I am. I'm so blessed to have support like that. I know that he truly will stand by me through every choice I make with my life. 

I love you, Dad!



My handsome little brother with Baby Charlie and I




Now, when it comes to my brother, it's hard for me to find words that express just how much I love him. We have been close since we our childhood and our relationship has been so fantastic as we've grown into our twenties. He was the first person I called when I found out that I was pregnant. I just needed to talk to someone and he was that person for me. He was never once judgmental of me and was so reassuring of me that this would turn out OK. He would never leave me to deal with this alone. 

When my brother comes home from school, we always go see a movie together. So when he was home for fall break, we went to some movie that I can't even remember. What I remember is our drive home from the theater. We were talking about this child and what I was going to do and I just broke down. When I was pregnant, I tried so hard to keep everything inside and pretend like I had it all under control...but when I'm with my brother, I can allow myself to be vulnerable and everything just spilled out. We sat in our car for what seems like forever and he just cried with me while I sobbed in his arms. He allowed me to let out all of the emotions I had been holding in since I found out I was pregnant. 

One of the greatest traits my brother has is his gift of humor. He knows just what to say to make our whole family laugh. It was such a nice relief in my life when he would come home and just smile and tell his silly one liner jokes. I especially was thankful for him when he came to see me in the hospital after having Charlie. I didn't know how he would react to seeing his first niece....but seeing him hold her was such a delight. He was so protective and loving towards her, it was beautiful.

Andre, you are such a vital part of my life. I know that you will be able to share your love and laughter with Charlie as she grows up and I'm beyond thankful that she will get to know you. You change lives even when you aren't trying to. I love you so much!!



My dashing and awesome dad and I



There is one more person who has been amazing for me throughout this time of my life. My dad, Christian. It's unfortunate that we are separated by many miles and multiple states....he hasn't yet gotten a chance to meet this beautiful little baby. 

It was hard to have my dad so far away from me the whole time I was pregnant. Many times I just wanted to have him there to hug and call me "his baby." He's a very protective father and was so kind when I told him about the baby. He knew that this would be something incredibly hard for me to go through, but he told me that none of this changes how much he loves me. 

I got to see my dad once before I gave birth to Charlie and though our time together was short, it was so good to be able to see him and just have time together. We talked about what I was choosing to do and he actually shared with me that my grandmother, his mom, gave her first born daughter up for adoption when she was in high school. She didn't see her daughter until she was on her death bed. 

I can't even imagine how empty my grandmother must have felt all of those years, not knowing where her child was or if she was OK. I am thankful, however, that they were able to have some closure before she passed. I'm also thankful that my adoption doesn't have to be like that. I will get to have a relationship with my child and she will know how much I love her every day of her life. 

Dad, I can't wait to see you again soon and I am so excited for you to meet Charlie!! She is the best and I know you will just love her. 


--------------------
xoxo

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Feeling Overwhelmed

I have had this blog posted and public for less than 24 hours and it has been viewed over 900 times. This is unbelievable to me. When I decided to start writing my story in order to share it with the world, I wasn't quite prepared for the overwhelming support and kindness I would receive. I was so afraid of what people would think, I had almost forgotten that I am surrounded with the most loving, kind and amazing people. So to those of you who have shared your positive and kind words with me, thank you so much. You will never know how much it means to me. Actually, you will never know how much it means to my family and I.

I truly hope that if there is someone reading this and they are going through the same thing, you will know that you are not alone. You are NEVER alone. There are amazing people in this world and they will love you and support you through this.

xoxo

The Moments We Share














I have to send a huge thank you and lots of love to Chelsea Underwood (Chelsea Photographie) for being a part of my story and for capturing these moments. Chelsea is one of the few people with whom I shared my story and she had nothing but love and kindness to extend to me. I am so happy you were there to photograph me (and make me feel beautiful somehow) when I was just weeks away from having this beautiful girl. Thank you for coming to the hospital to see her and I and taking the most amazing pictures of her! I can't wait to share them with her one day! LOVE YOU!

Capturing Our Time Together






Thank you to Chelsea Underwood (Chelsea Photographie) for capturing these photos for me! I was 37 weeks pregnant in these and I have never felt more humongous. Somehow, Chelsea made me feel beautiful! Looking back, I think it is amazing to know that the person I love most in this world was right inside of me. Creating life will forever be one of my favorite times in life.

How Love Goes

I have been debating how and when to go about sharing this part of my life with the people I care about for quite some time. I figure there will never be a "good" time to do this, so here goes.

If you are reading this, I hope that you do so with an open heart and with support for not only myself but also for my family. My sharing this is something that has been on my heart and I've talked with my family about the pro's and con's, but I feel it is important that my store is out there. I hope that what I have done and what I went through will be able to help and encourage someone else who may find themselves in my situation.

There's no easy way to start this, so I am just going to go for it...

In September of 2014, I decided to go out with a guy I had just met. We went out to a bar and spent a couple of hours there together. I made the mistake of deciding to go over to his home that night, but once I got there, I suddenly did not feel right. I started blacking out and getting sick and much of the night is not clear in my mind. I woke up the next day still feeling sick, confused and mostly scared. I left and tried to forget about what happened.

One month later, right before my 25th birthday, I found out that I was pregnant. I was more scared and shocked than I can even put into words. I had no idea how I would tell my parents, let alone how they would react. I felt like I must be the biggest idiot for getting myself into this situation. I am only 25, I'm very single and I barely make enough money to support myself.

I worked up enough courage to tell my mom one day in her office at school. I use the word courage cautiously because it wasn't all that spurred me into her office that day. I was also so worried and scared of carrying this information all on my own. I needed someone to help me. My mom has been my best friend for my entire life. The only part of courage that I feel is noteworthy was the fact that I knew I could be risking ruining our relationship forever by sharing this with her.

Her shock was evident as I broke down, barely getting the words out through my sobs. I couldn't even look at her because I didn't want to see her disappointment. I just sat in her spare chair and cried. Later, she would tell me that she just felt numb; there was no emotion, just blankness.

After the initial shock hit our family and we started to comprehend the reality of our situation, I knew that I had some decisions to make. I just didn't know if my parents would be willing to support me through this or not. I was in a weird place; being 25 and able to make my own decisions, but also feeling so young. I didn't know if I was capable of making a decision like this on my own.

I was extremely lucky when both of my parents sat me down and told me that they would support me with my choices and that they would open their home to me so I could be surrounded by this support while I carried this child. At this point, I had ruled out abortion. I will be honest and admit that it crossed my mind when I first found out. It'd be a quick fix, just make it go away. But when I really internalized what that meant, I couldn't do it. I had a life inside of me and I felt such a desire to protect it. So that is what I planned to do.

After gaining the support of my family, I decided it would be best to make an adoption plan for my child. I knew that I was not in a place in my life where I could raise a child, nor did I have the husband/father figure that I believe is vital for a child's upbringing. I contacted a local adoption agency in Des Moines called Bethany Christian Services and met with an advocate for birth moms a few months into my pregnancy.

I was able to look through books of families who were waiting for a child. It was bizarre to read through these amazing family's books but still decide against meeting them. I felt bad putting them into my "no" pile, but I was waiting for a family book that I felt connected to. I found one couple that I was interested in. They reminded me of my own parents and I asked to set up a time to meet them.

We scheduled our first meeting in the middle of February. At this point, I had found out that I was expecting a little girl! I was so excited and so in love with her already. I was also starting to feel the magnitude of what was happening. I was making a child and I was about to try and find a set of parents to raise her. It was surreal, heartbreaking and exciting all at the same time.

The first meeting went well...it was emotional for both sides. My parents came with me and I am so thankful they did. I didn't know how to even start talking about what was going on. I needed strength from them to help get me through all of this. After that first meeting, I felt complete peace in my heart that I had found the two people who would raise my baby girl. I loved them. They were genuine, loving, smart and incredible people. All characteristics I hope my child will possess one day.

We met a handful of times again before I gave birth. My little girl was breech, so I had a scheduled cesarean on June 27, 2014. The night before I went in, I slept in my mom's bed. I woke up several times that night and just cried. I felt so sad that my time with her all to myself was about to end. I was going to have to share her with everyone else. It's crazy how when you're going through the pregnancy, the end seems so far away, but once you get to the end, you feel like it flew by. I couldn't believe how far we had come since that night in September.

My mom and I got ready that morning and headed to the hospital around 10 am. My surgery was scheduled for noon, but we didn't end up going in until about 2 pm. My daughter, Charlie Yvette Paulson, was born at 2:37 pm that day. It was amazing. I couldn't stop smiling once I saw her! She was perfect!! My mom was in the room with me and it was amazing to share that experience with her. Charlie was born so perfect and healthy; 7.63 pounds and 19 inches long. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

To this day I still have a hard time comprehending the idea that she came out of my stomach. How is that possible??

Our time at the hospital was amazing. We cuddled, laughed, cried and just enjoyed her first moments of life together. Her adoptive parents came to visit each day and it was great to get to see their reactions when they first got to see her and hold her. It was both heart warming and heart breaking. I knew intellectually that what I was doing was the right thing, but my heart took longer to catch up. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone on this earth. It's incredible....I don't think the word love is enough. It's more than love. I would do anything for her.

Part of being a parent is providing your child with everything they need. I knew that I wasn't able to do that on my own, and so I provided her with parents who could. The greatest part of this story is that adoption doesn't mean I say goodbye forever. We have an open adoption which means I get to see her and she will know who I am. Some day I will share all of this story with her...but for now, I just plan on loving her and her new parents unconditionally.

I get to go see her every week right now and she just had her 1 month birthday! It's crazy how much she's grown and how sweet she is. I love holding her and just looking into her eyes. She's full of life and wonder and love.

As you can imagine, this has been a hard story to write and I'm sure it will be hard to share more about this story in the future. I hope that you will understand and support why I feel lead to share this with you.

I will plan to share more about her and our story in the future, but this is the beginning of what I would consider to be a wonderful story of love and life.