Saturday, February 28, 2015

Happy 8 Month Birthday!!

So yesterday was your 8 month birthday, Charlie! Woah, time flies!! I was able to come visit you this last week and you have grown into such a strong, happy and smart little girl already. You took your first steps this last week but you do a lot better when you have someone helping you and holding your hands. You are super strong and have a grip that could break a finger...you just don't know your own strength yet! Oh, and you have two teeth that have cut through on your bottom gums! You're a lot bigger than most babies your age...your last doctors appointment verified that when they measured you at the size of a 13 month old. You're just going to be a tall pretty girl! :)

It's been so fun to see you every month as you've grown and very special to build a relationship with your parents as we have our little visits. They are truly some of the most remarkable people I have ever met. They are strong, devoted and more loving than most people you will encounter in this world. I love them so much and I am thankful they will be your example of love as you grow. You really seem to like them, too! At our last visit, we were playing on the floor together when your dad got home from work and you saw him and smiled so big! You were so happy to see him and it just melts my heart to see you loving your parents already.

As we continue to develop our adoption story, your mom and I are learning how to keep things healthy and normal for all of us, especially you. Your mom has been faithful in sending me at least one photo every day since you were born. That is incredible and it has helped me tremendously in my own healing process. But, by having her do that every day it felt like it sort of took away from her being able to fully focus on loving you and just being your mommy. Its also hard for me sometimes because I'll be living my every day life and then receive a picture of you, and its like my whole world stops because I want to relish that photo and just stare at it as long as I can. It's like I had to switch hats every day to feel like I was still giving you as much time and love as I need to. Your mom and I talked about it though, and we both agreed that it is healthy for both of us to just move to weekly photos. That way she can completely focus on you and I can have one awesome moment when I get those photos. I need to remember that even if I don't see a photo of you every day, it doesn't mean that you aren't on my mind and in my heart every day.

You know, I keep a photo of you right here on my desk at work, I have a picture of us together as my background on my computer and I have over 100 saved pictures on my phone of you! So I'm connected to you all the time and I can see you any time I want! :)

Well sweet baby girl, happy birthday! Can't wait to see you grow over the next month and see what other amazing things you will learn to do!! :)



xoxo

Thursday, February 12, 2015

How Self Worth Happens

So this blog doesn't necessarily correlate directly to Charlie or the adoption, but I think it could be a valuable one for women who, like me, didn't/don't see themselves as worthy of genuine love. When I agreed to go out with the guy who became Charlie's birth dad, I just wanted him to like me. I didn't care what he liked about me, I just needed attention of some sort. And based on previous encounters I had with the opposite sex, I wasn't sure I was worth more than just my body. It's really hard for me to write this down but it's the truth.

I was reminded of this the other day when I ran into a guy who I had briefly dated the other day. He will forever be known as the guy who completely ruined my confidence and self worth for a solid chunk of time in my life. When I was dating him, it was all in secret...like he didn't want to be seen with me in public. And he wouldn't kiss me or anything, but he was willing to receive the physical attention I would give him. (Sorry mom and dad) When I finally asked him about this, he told me that he just wasn't attracted to me and that I was only really good for one thing. He didn't need him to elaborate on that "one thing" and I immediately left in tears. As I am reliving this, my heart breaks for the girl I used to be. I can't believe I allowed myself to be taken advantage of like that, let alone let someone else tell me I'm not attractive and believe it.

Needless to say, once I was in my car the other day after running into him, I immediately had to have a quick text convo with one of my closest friends who has been there for me through all of this. And though I didn't need to be told what an asshole he was, or to be reminded that I am beautiful, she was there with her quick wit and reassurance that I'm clearly better off now. It made me realize how far I've come from that young girl, crying in my car because I didn't think anyone could possibly love me. Today I can happily say that I am a beautiful person and I am beyond happy with my life and the choices I've made.

What inspired me to recant this tale is that I know there are countless other girls who fall into that same trap every day. I work with some of the most spectacular high school girls and it pains me to think that any of them could ever feel the way I felt about myself. It's so easy for us to believe lies and to even build them to bigger lies in our heads. It's not so easy to see the beauty that lies within all of us. I love being able to show and tell other people, boys and girls, what makes them so special and why they are completely worthy of love.

The biggest lesson I think in all of this comes from God. God has love for everyone, even if people sometimes don't feel worthy or love Him back. He's still got it. Regardless of what stupid mistakes I've made in my past, I know that I was only able to make the good choices, the hard choices, through His love and His example of what genuine love looks like. Sending your Son to die for us? I can't even imagine.

I also find strength through the people God has placed in my life. My mom and step-dad are the purest example of selfless, relentless, passionate and Christ-like love I have ever witnessed on this earth. They are incredible people to each other and to everyone they meet. Watching them work as husband and wife is something I will never be able to repay them for. The lessons they have taught my siblings and I about life and love are invaluable. Just the fact that my parents stood by me through my entire pregnancy and supported every decision I made is amazing. I know my mom and I were both looking for a way to take Charlie home with us from the hospital, but we knew it wasn't the best thing for her. They felt every heart break with me, but loved me through it.

It is these types of people who I receive my full cup of genuine love. In fact, my cup runneth over every day. Christ fills it, my family fills it, my friends fill it, I fill it and even Charlie fills it. I no longer need what that little girl crying in the car needs to feel worthy. Thank God for that.