Anger and Hatred

So I don't know if it's because I've been on emotional overload this week, or if it was the radio show I was listening to that set me off....(they were talking about men who have wronged them.) But I was driving home last night and was suddenly filled with the most intense anger and hatred towards Charlie's birth father.

For those who know me, you know that it is a rare occasion that I express any sort of hate or anger towards anyone. It's not in my nature to feel that way and I don't think it's healthy to hold onto such negative feelings. It's also not how Jesus teaches us to treat others...but yet, here I was feeling those exact emotions to an extreme I'd never felt before.

I think everyone grieves things differently, and I'm aware that anger is part of the grieving process. I just wasn't prepared for it to hit me now...like why now? Why would it be literally two years after my last interaction with him be the time it decides to show up?

I'm angry that he took advantage of me. I'm angry that he acted like I was the one who "tricked him" and got myself pregnant; that I wanted to lock him down and ruin his life. I'm angry that he had the nerve to tell me that I was the last person on this earth that he would want to be with, let alone make a child with. I'm angry that he refused to be a part of this child's life; that he showed zero interest in helping me create an adoption plan for her. I'm angry that he asked me to give him yearly updates on her, but that he wouldn't want to really be a part of her life.

I hate how selfish he is, how rude and demeaning he spoke towards me...I hate that his sister had a child a week after I had Charlie and he was there for that birth, but not mine. I hate that he gets to continue living in secrecy...that nobody in his family even knows my daughter exists. I hate that I was the one who had to carry this life, all on my own. I hate that he said, "I'm sorry you have to do this alone." I hate that Charlie will grow up knowing me, but never know the other half of her. I hate that her life had to be started in such an unloving way. I hate that one day I will have to tell her about the start of her life and explain why he isn't around. I hate that it seems like I'm the only one who had to grieve the loss of a child.

I hate that I'm angry. I don't like feeling this way. But I know that I am human and this is a normal human emotion. And as with all of the other emotions I've felt over the last two years, I have given myself permission to fully embrace those feelings. I want to allow my heart to fully grieve, so that when the day comes that I have to recount this all to Charlie, I'll be able to do it with an open heart.

Now I don't like to end posts on a negative note...and since this blog is filled with lots of negative feelings, I want to finish with this thought. Although I feel a lot of hate and anger towards Adam, I have to say that he is the reason I have Charlie. He helped create her, so for that...I also love him. Not in the mushy, romantic, wish things were different kind of way. Just simply for the fact that my beautiful daughter is half of him. I would rather feel all of these things and go through everything again if it meant being able to have her in my life and in this world. She is my joy.

So for mothers or rape/abuse/domestic violence victims, if you're feeling these same things, know that you're not alone. How you are feeling is normal and healthy. You will have to work through this phase in order to move on to a happier and more joy-filled life. And yes, that life is out there for you. Find even one small thing that brings you joy; it will help you remember that there is good in this world.

There is still hope. There is still love. There is still happiness.

As a mother, you know how deep, raw and real the love you have for your child is. And would you believe that there is a God who loves you just like that? His heart breaks when your heart breaks. His eyes sparkle when your eyes sparkle. And His love is enough to heal any hurt you feel on this earth. I hope you can find peace in that. 

xoxo

Innocent Third Party Heartbreak

In a moment of honest conversation the other day, my mother shared how she is still grieving the adoption of my daughter, Charlie. She told me that sometimes she'll wake up in the night, look at photos of her and just cry. But along with that, she added that it's not that she's entirely sad...she also feels joy and that she also grieves for me; watching her daughter struggle through that year filled with difficult choices, mental break downs and incredible loss. It's like this complicated mess of emotions that you can't explain with words or fully understand with your mind.

When I was pregnant and making my adoption plan, my parents stood by me the entire time. They were my support system and loved me harder than they ever have. It's beyond humbling to know just how much these people will do for me. That no matter what happens in my life, they will always lift me up and choose love. And while I know it was hard for them to stand with me, for some reason it surprised me that they were still struggling with the effects of the adoption.

When people talk about adoption, you typically only hear about the adoptive parents, the birth parents and the child who is being adopted. You rarely hear discussions about how this whole thing effects the families of those people involved. My mom, dad and brother were attached to Charlie from the moment they saw her. Probably even before they saw her. I'll never forget how warm my heart was when I saw my brother holding her for the first time....you would have thought he'd never been so in love  with another person before.

To say that my family never felt the pain I felt over the last couple of years would be false. But to counteract that, to say that my family hasn't also felt the incredible joy that I've felt would also be false. It's like they feel all of the emotions that I feel and it's been a journey for all of us. I would hope that my family would stand with me, yet again, when I say that this journey is a worthwhile one. That every part of our broken heart has been healed by the smile on Charlie's face, by the love and care we see her receiving by her parents, by being able to share in her life and by God's perfect love and grace for us all.

So when you know of a person involved with adoption, don't discount those around them. Take the time to ask how their parents are doing or how their friends are supporting them. These are all third party people who have some investment in their lives and it effects all of them. But when you are doing that, be gracious and kind. Because you never know what phase of grief they may be going through....I know that sometimes I can discuss my adoption story very openly without being too emotional, but sometimes just the thought of Charlie brings me to tears.

I'm hoping those reading this can take away from it and learn more about how adoption looks, at least from the eyes of a birth mother.

xoxo

How Do We Act When Faced With Negativity?

On Thursday of last week, I made a simple comment on a post that showed adoptive parents meeting their daughter for the first time. It was so touching to me and brought back the memories I have of seeing Charlie's parents holding her for the first time. I just felt compelled to comment and shared just a small portion of my story as a birth mother.

On Friday morning, my comment had over 2,000 likes and over 50 comments. In fact, my phone died over night because there were so many notifications coming through. I tried my best to read every comment and show my appreciation for all of the kind words I was receiving. After all, the original post was not even about me...I didn't intend to take away attention from the beautiful moment that was being shared.

However, as the weekend progressed...more and more likes were given but I also received more and more comments. Eventually, some of those comments became rude and negative...Some people couldn't understand how anyone could "give away" their baby. Some people noted that "if you can't raise your baby, then you shouldn't have one." And some were even under the impression that "poor white girls like me were just being used by rich white women to get babies."

This is the subtle/g-rated version of what I was reading. And I have to admit that for a minute, those few negative comments quickly overwhelmed all of the positive ones I was getting. How sad is that? But so true to how humans operate...we will focus on the negative much more than we focus on the positive. I was instantly outraged by these comments and wanted to write back and speak about how wrong they were. They were speaking as if they knew me and were so quick to judge me. How dare they?

What I had to work through was the fact that these people did NOT know me. Like I said, I only shared a small portion of my story, which could leave many of the question marks unanswered. Of course they would fill in with their own answers, which would lead them to their own opinions. Even if those opinions were nasty.

So how do we respond? How does a Christian react to such harsh judgements and rude commentary? How does a woman who is still quite vulnerable in her choices made about her daughter answer to these people? She speaks with love. I respond with truth, love and humility. I don't know everyone else's story, just like they don't know mine. So for me to judge them as rude/mean/negative humans is not my job either. We have to rise above what we are reading and remember that our own lives are just that...ours.

This is my life. This is my daughters life. I know that what I chose for my daughter and for myself was the best thing I could have done. No one can tell me otherwise. Nobody forced me into this decision, I was fully aware of what I was doing. In fact, I didn't even make this final decision until three weeks after she was born. I had come to terms with what I was giving up as a parent, but also what I was gaining for both my daughter and I. We would both come out of this thing with the best. And that is what we both deserved.

So from one birth mom to all of the other moms out there, lets stop breaking down each other. We all know what the love of a mother feels like. Placing Charlie in another woman's arms was the most heart breaking thing I've ever gone through. It still pains me to even think about that moment. But as time has gone by, I feel more and more joy. The sadness and pain seem to diminish because I feel nothing but peace about my decision. When I see Charlie smile and giggle, I know that she is so happy! She clings to her new mommy for safety, comfort and love. And as much as I wish it were me she were clinging to, I'm so happy to see her bonded with her new mom.

Someday, I will have more children....and when I do, it'll be so special. I know what it's like to leave the hospital empty handed...but the next time, I will come home with the love and joy of a child. I will come home from the hospital with my husband and with a room ready for this new life we will have created together. We will have planned for this child...we will both want this child. There will be no shame, pain, abuse or fear in the making of this child. Things will happen the way God intended them to.

And for that, I am beyond blessed. I am blessed to have Charlie in my life. I am blessed to be able to share this story with others. I am blessed to spread knowledge about open adoption. I am blessed to have a beautiful and supportive family. I am blessed to be a child of God.

Now someone tell me there isn't love here in this adoption. Just look at this sweet little face! 

xoxo

What Will Distance Do To Us?

Hi baby girl,

I probably need to stop calling you that now that you're one. But to me, you'll always be my little baby girl. So just get used to that. :)

This is a blog I've been dreading to write, but I know it has to happen. Right now there is only about an hour and a half drive between us and I love it. You are near enough that I could get to you pretty quickly but far enough that you and your parents have space to be your own family. But recently at work, I was given a promotion and offered a relocation. This all came with much excitement, but the minute they said relocation, you were the first person I thought about.

They want me to move to Ohio, which is where my company is headquartered. There is a lot of opportunity for my career advancement out there, but it's so far from you and from everyone/everything I've ever known here in Iowa. Plus, it's not even warm! I'm just moving from one snowy state to another! Hmph.

There will soon be 10 hours between us. 600+ miles of distance to travel in order to see eachother face to face. When I was at your house last weekend, it was so hard to imagine what that will be like. I love seeing you, holding you, playing with you and laughing with you. You bring me more joy than I can even put into words! But what I also know is that I want you to be proud of me...I want you to know that I didn't stop going for my dreams and goals. What happened to me could have crippled me and my life, but because of you I want to do more and be a better person. This job and next step in my life is just that. It is more and will make me a better person.

Because I chose adoption, it allows me to return to the life I had started before I was blessed with you in my tummy. So I hope that by me moving away and pursuing bigger and better things, you know that nothing can stop you from being amazing. You can make choices to better yourself and to push yourself to be more. And that is what I'm intending to do.

As for you and me...We will FaceTime and every time I come back home, I will always make a visit to see you. You are my family. Your parents are my family. So seeing you is as much of a priority as seeing my mom and dad is. And I know that the love I have for you is strong enough that you will feel it wherever we may be.

Love you,

Ashley

xoxo

Happy 1st Birthday!!

So the day is here!! Your very first birthday! I can't believe you are one year old today....this year has flown by! And you are just as amazing today as you were the first day I saw your sweet face. It's been amazing to see how you've grown, learned, advanced, discovered and taken this life by storm. You are such a happy, carefree and joyous little girl...so full of wonder and curiosity about everyone and everything. It's so amazing to know that you have changed so many lives in just your short life! Even people you don't know are inspired by you and your life has changed how they view adoption and open adoption. How amazing is that??

One year ago, I woke up from probably the worst sleep I've ever had...I knew that I was going to have to stop keeping you all to myself and start sharing you with this world. My dad let me sleep in my parents bed with my mom..I think partially because I couldn't get comfortable with you in my tummy and partially because he knew I just needed my mom. That night I woke up several times crying and my mom would just hold me until I fell back to sleep.

The next day we woke up early to be at the hospital by 8 am. I was scheduled to go into surgery to have you delivered at 10 am. But apparently the hospital had other plans...we didn't end up going into surgery until about 2 pm! So you can imagine I was feeling pretty anxious having to wait an extra four hours! But we finally got down to the special room for c-section deliveries and 37 minutes later, you were here! I can't put into words how amazing it was to finally see you and hear your sweet cries. Once the nurses finished checking your vitals and measuring you, my mom was the first one to hold you. She brought you over to me, since I was still tied to this table and being closed up. I remember smiling so big my lip split open! I didn't even care though...you just made me so happy.

Once we got out of surgery, my dad was in my room waiting for us. He was also pretty smitten with you once he got to hold you! We spent those first few hours just enjoying you...and you spent those first few hours just sleeping. Being pulled out of my tummy must have been exhausting for you! You were so beautiful and just..perfect. I know every mom says that about their babies, but I have it on good authority that you were the cutest baby in the nursery. You just had this perfect fair skin, a little flush in your cheeks, and big beautiful blue eyes. You came out just the way God created you and that is perfect.

You were 7 pounds and 6.8 ounces big, 19 inches long. All ten fingers and all ten toes were where they were supposed to be. Your lungs and heart and mind were all in working order. You had quite the high pitched cry! (A singer, no doubt) And you fit perfectly in my arms. And you always will, sweet baby girl. No matter how old you are, I will always cherish holding you.

This last year has been amazing, Charlie. So much has happened, and there's still so much more that will happen! I just hope you know that no matter your age, the distance between us, what happens in my life or what happens in your life, I will love you relentlessly. Nothing in this world will ever change that.

Happy birthday!! Can't wait to see what this next year brings!!

xoxo

Happy Birthmom's Day To Me!!

What does it mean to be a mom? What does it mean to be a birth mom? These are questions and identities that I have struggled with over the last 10+ months and while I still probably don't have the correct or perfect answer, I can tell you what it means to me.

First of all, the only reason we feel compelled to place labels like mom or birth mom on people in a situation involving adoption is purely to help other people, and most importantly the child, identify correctly with each person. I find value in this mainly for my daughter because I want her to call her adoptive mom, Mom. Nothing more and nothing less. Just Mom. I am also her mom, but I play a different type of mom role. I gave her life and made the first, most important decision of her life for her. While legally I signed my rights over to her new parents, I still feel such a strong tie to her and I will never stop feeling like her mom. I just have to take a back seat from now on and let her new mommy make all of the other big decisions for awhile.

Being a mom and being a birth mom are synonymous in my situation, but for the sake of everyone, I will happily accept the label of birth mom. Because not everyone gets to be a birth mom. I feel beyond lucky and so blessed that I was given the opportunity to carry Charlie and give her life. God has truly been good to me. :)

So the other neat thing about being Charlie's birth mom is that I get to celebrate today, a day ahead of Mother's Day! I get a whole day just to relish in the fact that I have a beautiful, goofy, smiley, brave and gap-toothed child in my life who I can still hold, laugh with, enjoy and love. I may not get to spend this time with you, but I will be thinking of you a lot today, baby girl.

In my particular adoption story, I feel joy for Charlie's new mommy and the fact that she will be celebrating her first Mother's Day tomorrow. In the last couple of years, Mother's Day had been a reminder to her that she had lost her two babies long before she could ever hold them. I can't imagine what it would feel like to completely lose a piece of your heart like that. So now that she has Charlie to love and cherish, she will be able to embrace the entire day because she is a MOM! It's also pretty exciting because Charlie will be getting dedicated tomorrow at church. One more reason I so love her parents...they promised me to raise her in a home filled with Christ's love. This was probably the most important thing to me when deciding who should raise my baby. So far, they are nailing it on the head!

As a child, you always plan a big surprise or wonder what gift to give your mommy on this special day that recognizes her. It feels so funny to me now because, as a mom, I don't want anything else. I already have the best gift I have ever received. No other gift compares. So I say to my own mother, now I understand that you really meant it when you said we didn't need to get you anything, you just wanted to spend time with us. I can't believe I can understand the love you have for me, finally. That is some serious stuff! When I know how much I love Charlie...to think that someone in this world loves me that much, too? It is enough to make my heart grow three times. :)

So to all the mommies, birth moms, adoptive moms, surrogate mothers, and everyone in between, Happy Mothers Day. You deserve it. Enjoy this time! But remember, every day of your life will forever be another day of blessing with the sweet child you have in your life.

 xoxo

Change Happens

So, I just realized I haven't posted on here for almost two months! And a lot has happened in those two months....things change all the time and this is a lesson I am learning to accept. Even when we aren't ready for change, or as much as we may fight to avoid change, it is inevitable.

Charlie-one day you will start to learn how valuable this lesson in life is. But I know that you will have a strong and resilient heart, which will help you adapt to what this beautiful life will throw at you. My parents have always said if I am anything, I am resilient. I used to not really care about this trait, but as I've grown older, it is something I cling to. My life has not gone the way I ever imagined it would, but you never know your own strength until you are required to be strong. That is something I know for sure.

My sweet girl is almost 10 months old!! You have four little baby teeth and your top two teeth have a little gap between them. It's adorable and you might also fancy to know that my mother was gap-toothed growing up. Her dad fixed it by wrapping a rubber band around them every night until the gap was closed. And to this day, she still has the most beautiful, straight teeth I've ever seen.You are also on the brink of walking...you never even figured out crawling, you just went for the gold and started stomping around.

In my life, I've experienced a few exciting things and a few hard things recently. I met a guy shortly after you were born and he was amazing. He knew about you and would let me cry when I missed you, looked at every picture I loved and took an interest in you and how you were doing. He was also very kind...he treated me well and was never disrespectful. We laughed a lot and he let me be myself, which made being with him so easy. I even fell in love with him. We dated for several months and it was great. But then when we started talking about a more serious future, I had to make a decision about what I wanted for my future and I ended up breaking up with him. We didn't agree on our faith and that is something I value highly. (Charlie, one of the reasons I chose your parents was their strong faith. I wanted that for you and I hope you love being surrounded by God's love all the time in your home as you grow. I had that, and I wouldn't change a thing.) It was really difficult to leave him because there was real love there, but it just wasn't right. I hope to remain friends with him because I cherish his laugh, humor, kind heart and the way he allowed me to grow into the person I am today.

So for now, I'm happy to focus on me. I know what I want and I hope that I can set an example for you...that it is never going to work if you give up something that is meaningful to you. Never sacrifice who you are for a "what if" situation, it's not fair to either of you. I know that God has a very special person already chosen for me and even for you! We just need to be patient and allow God to move in our lives. He'll take care of everything.

Anyway, we are coming to see you this Saturday!! I'm so excited!! This stretch between visits has been so hard, but also good for me. I have to get used to seeing you less as you grow. Once you turn one, we will probably start doing less frequent visits. This is for everyone's benefit. I have to learn to let go of parts of your life and your parents need to be able to just be your parents. I'll be like an aunt...a really, really cool aunt. :) It's a mixed bag, but you are at the center of every choice we make when it comes to this new and exciting adoption adventure. I hope you know how loved, cherished and special you are to me, sweet girl. Nothing will ever take your place in my heart.

Love you forever, xoxo

Happy 8 Month Birthday!!

So yesterday was your 8 month birthday, Charlie! Woah, time flies!! I was able to come visit you this last week and you have grown into such a strong, happy and smart little girl already. You took your first steps this last week but you do a lot better when you have someone helping you and holding your hands. You are super strong and have a grip that could break a finger...you just don't know your own strength yet! Oh, and you have two teeth that have cut through on your bottom gums! You're a lot bigger than most babies your age...your last doctors appointment verified that when they measured you at the size of a 13 month old. You're just going to be a tall pretty girl! :)

It's been so fun to see you every month as you've grown and very special to build a relationship with your parents as we have our little visits. They are truly some of the most remarkable people I have ever met. They are strong, devoted and more loving than most people you will encounter in this world. I love them so much and I am thankful they will be your example of love as you grow. You really seem to like them, too! At our last visit, we were playing on the floor together when your dad got home from work and you saw him and smiled so big! You were so happy to see him and it just melts my heart to see you loving your parents already.

As we continue to develop our adoption story, your mom and I are learning how to keep things healthy and normal for all of us, especially you. Your mom has been faithful in sending me at least one photo every day since you were born. That is incredible and it has helped me tremendously in my own healing process. But, by having her do that every day it felt like it sort of took away from her being able to fully focus on loving you and just being your mommy. Its also hard for me sometimes because I'll be living my every day life and then receive a picture of you, and its like my whole world stops because I want to relish that photo and just stare at it as long as I can. It's like I had to switch hats every day to feel like I was still giving you as much time and love as I need to. Your mom and I talked about it though, and we both agreed that it is healthy for both of us to just move to weekly photos. That way she can completely focus on you and I can have one awesome moment when I get those photos. I need to remember that even if I don't see a photo of you every day, it doesn't mean that you aren't on my mind and in my heart every day.

You know, I keep a photo of you right here on my desk at work, I have a picture of us together as my background on my computer and I have over 100 saved pictures on my phone of you! So I'm connected to you all the time and I can see you any time I want! :)

Well sweet baby girl, happy birthday! Can't wait to see you grow over the next month and see what other amazing things you will learn to do!! :)

xoxo

How Self Worth Happens

So this blog doesn't necessarily correlate directly to Charlie or the adoption, but I think it could be a valuable one for women who, like me, didn't/don't see themselves as worthy of genuine love. When I agreed to go out with the guy who became Charlie's birth dad, I just wanted him to like me. I didn't care what he liked about me, I just needed attention of some sort. And based on previous encounters I had with the opposite sex, I wasn't sure I was worth more than just my body. It's really hard for me to write this down but it's the truth.

I was reminded of this the other day when I ran into a guy who I had briefly dated the other day. He will forever be known as the guy who completely ruined my confidence and self worth for a solid chunk of time in my life. When I was dating him, it was all in secret...like he didn't want to be seen with me in public. And he wouldn't kiss me or anything, but he was willing to receive the physical attention I would give him. (Sorry mom and dad) When I finally asked him about this, he told me that he just wasn't attracted to me and that I was only really good for one thing. He didn't need him to elaborate on that "one thing" and I immediately left in tears. As I am reliving this, my heart breaks for the girl I used to be. I can't believe I allowed myself to be taken advantage of like that, let alone let someone else tell me I'm not attractive and believe it.

Needless to say, once I was in my car the other day after running into him, I immediately had to have a quick text convo with one of my closest friends who has been there for me through all of this. And though I didn't need to be told what an asshole he was, or to be reminded that I am beautiful, she was there with her quick wit and reassurance that I'm clearly better off now. It made me realize how far I've come from that young girl, crying in my car because I didn't think anyone could possibly love me. Today I can happily say that I am a beautiful person and I am beyond happy with my life and the choices I've made.

What inspired me to recant this tale is that I know there are countless other girls who fall into that same trap every day. I work with some of the most spectacular high school girls and it pains me to think that any of them could ever feel the way I felt about myself. It's so easy for us to believe lies and to even build them to bigger lies in our heads. It's not so easy to see the beauty that lies within all of us. I love being able to show and tell other people, boys and girls, what makes them so special and why they are completely worthy of love.

The biggest lesson I think in all of this comes from God. God has love for everyone, even if people sometimes don't feel worthy or love Him back. He's still got it. Regardless of what stupid mistakes I've made in my past, I know that I was only able to make the good choices, the hard choices, through His love and His example of what genuine love looks like. Sending your Son to die for us? I can't even imagine.

I also find strength through the people God has placed in my life. My mom and step-dad are the purest example of selfless, relentless, passionate and Christ-like love I have ever witnessed on this earth. They are incredible people to each other and to everyone they meet. Watching them work as husband and wife is something I will never be able to repay them for. The lessons they have taught my siblings and I about life and love are invaluable. Just the fact that my parents stood by me through my entire pregnancy and supported every decision I made is amazing. I know my mom and I were both looking for a way to take Charlie home with us from the hospital, but we knew it wasn't the best thing for her. They felt every heart break with me, but loved me through it.

It is these types of people who I receive my full cup of genuine love. In fact, my cup runneth over every day. Christ fills it, my family fills it, my friends fill it, I fill it and even Charlie fills it. I no longer need what that little girl crying in the car needs to feel worthy. Thank God for that.

Sometimes you just gotta brag about the human you made...

Six Months, Already?!

Well happy birthday, sweet child!! You are officially six months old today! What a whirlwind this time has been--so amazing, so filled with joy and blessings. I love you so much and that love grows just as quickly as you seem to!

We also just had Christmas...it was difficult not to be with you on your first Christmas, but I received pictures from your mom and you looked so adorable and happy! She finally put you in a tutu!! Those are my favorite!! While I missed being with you on one of my favorite holidays, I was reminded of what a blessing you are to so many.

There are so many connections between adoption and the story of Jesus...God had to send His Son to earth and let another man and woman raise Him. While God knew there was a bigger plan, I can only imagine that He felt similar to how I felt letting you leave with another mommy and daddy. It gives me some comfort that we have an awesome God who is with me and you as we continue on this journey! He was certainly aware of the plans He had for your life and I believe that he brought your parents and I together in order to give you the best life possible.

But back to your birthday!! Well, half birthday...I'm still celebrating because for babies, you get to enjoy each and every month. :) So much has happened in the last six months--you are a proud stander already! Last time we came to visit, you wanted to stand the whole time; it was so cute. You are also getting better at hand-eye coordination and you have found your feet, which you can easily bring up to your mouth.

Your adoption was finalized on December 11! That was such a big day for all of us. I was able to go into the court room and be with your family as everything was finalized. Your mom cried and your dad tried not to, but he's a softy when it comes to your mom. It was so beautiful and it just created such a peace in my heart. I know that they are the perfect parents for you and they love you so much--they've been praying for you for so long. I hope you never forget how much they love you and care for you.

I'm so excited because my mom and I will be coming to see you on Wednesday this week!! I can't wait to hold you and hear your sweet giggle!!

I love you, baby girl!

xoxo

Dear Charlie

Dear Charlie,

Today is a big day for you because today your adoption will be finalized. As your first mommy, I'm struggling with a mix of emotions going into this day. Though there is some sadness as I awoke this morning, I am more overjoyed and excited for you. I've been tossing and turning all week, knowing that this day was coming but as I've prayed and re-lived this last year of my life with you, I feel content. I know that you are also very content.

You don't know it yet, but you are such a happy, easy going and sweet baby. You smile often, grab fingers tightly, squeak and squeal in the most adorable way and your giggle lights up a room (and my heart.) Your new mommy and daddy give you lots of kisses and play silly games with you. Your daddy loves kissing you so much that he shaved his manly beard off just so your soft skin wouldn't get irritated! One time I was helping your new mommy change your diaper and she gave you kisses all over your face and then snorted and you laughed like it was the funniest thing you'd ever seen. Moments like that make my heart so happy!

So today, Uncle Andre' and I are going to drive over to see you and go to the court house with your new family! This is so exciting! It's also a bit nerve wracking because I haven't met any of them yet...but I feel like I know them already, because we all have been loving you this entire time. We are connected by you, sweet angel. You have brought all of us so much joy and you don't even know it yet.

After today, your name will no longer legally be Charlie Yvette Paulson. You know, when I was pregnant with you, I didn't know if I should choose a name for you...I didn't know if I could allow myself to bond like that with you, knowing that one day I would be placing your for adoption. However, I am so glad that I did. Choosing a name for you made me love you so much more and even though you only had that name for 5 1/2 months, it means something to me. I hope one day, you will find it special as well.

One good thing about your parents is that I LOVE the name they have chosen to give you for the rest of your life! I think it is absolutely beautiful and the meaning behind it is close to my heart, just as it is close to their hearts. They had several names they were thinking about, all of which had special meanings, but the one they ended up choosing was my favorite.

I can't wait to see you today, little girl! And I feel so blessed and honored to continue to be a part of your life. I look forward to seeing you grow, learn, love and spread joy to everyone you meet. You will always be in my heart, and a part of my heart will always be with you. God has truly blessed both of us. I want you to know that God is so good, faithful, merciful and loving. I don't know if I would be able to make all of the decisions I have without God behind me. You are from God and I know that you will be protected by Him for your entire life.

A sweet soul had to remind me of this, and I hope you remember this your entire life: Jesus was also adopted. Jesus was raised by two wonderful parents and He loved them so dearly. He also remained close to His Father, God. I'm starting to think that they had the first open adoption. I hope you know just how much you are loved by God, myself, your parents and all of the family that you are now a part of.

I love you forever and ever.

XOXO, Mom

Why She Will Always Be My Daughter

So I received an e-mail from someone I don't know who told me that I should not refer to myself as a mother and I should stop calling Charlie my daughter. They stated that because I chose to give up my rights and "give her up" for adoption, I shouldn't be able to call her my daughter anymore. It was short and direct, but I would like to publicly respond to that e-mail because I feel like perhaps I could shed some light on why I refuse to call Charlie anything but my daughter.

I know and understand that I signed a document to terminate my parental rights for Charlie. I know that on December 11, 2014 the adoption will be finalized. I know that on paper, she is now the daughter of two other wonderful parents. I know that these parents will call her their daughter and I LOVE hearing them do so. I know that Charlie will grow up calling them mommy and daddy and I look forward to hearing her do so.

What I also know is that this child came from me. I am a mother who made the best and hardest choice for my child. She will always be my daughter. The fact that someone would expect me to refer to her as anything other than that is weird to me.

I will admit that reading that e-mail was hurtful and caused my heart to go through all of the emotions that I have had to work through since the moment I found out I was pregnant with her. So to whoever wrote it, I forgive you. You obviously don't understand what adoption is like and you clearly don't know me personally. What I know is that if my heart is big enough to see outside of my own desires to raise my perfect little child and instead do what is in her best interest, that same heart is big enough to endure whatever bullshit  bull-honky you send my way.

I hope that people understand that open adoption is much more complex than just some legal documents. The legal portion of this only puts the adoption itself into terms and does nothing regarding the "open" portion of things. The relationship that I have with her parents and her is purely based off of our mutual understand of the importance of me remaining a part of her life and the fact that we all love this little girl so much. There is not a document that they had to sign to guarantee me visits with Charlie. That was all verbal and required a lot of trust between the three of us.

I don't know what our future looks like or what our relationships will flourish into, but what I do know is that Charlie will forever be my beautiful daughter and I still love her and cherish my time with her, just as any mother does. I am a mother. Charlie's adoptive mom is also a mother. Children are capable of loving more than just one parent, right? So why is it so hard to think that she could find love for her parents and myself? I come from divorced parents who both remarried....I love all of them. They all take up important spots in my heart and I care about what they think of me. Humans are completely capable of loving many people, isn't that wonderful?!

I hope this wasn't too ramble-y or random, but I just wanted to get my heart emptied about this e-mail because it has been weighing on me.

By the way-look how adorable and precious MY DAUGHTER is!

xoxo

So It Happened...

I've been meaning to write this post since my last visit to see Charlie but I've been so busy with the holidays and work, I'm just now finding the time to put this out there. Oh, and this post is mainly for any birth mom's who may be reading this...but obviously I'm happy for anyone to read and go through this experience with me. :)

So at our last visit, Charlie finally hit that phase where she gets nervous and shy around people she doesn't recognize. When we walked in, she was a little overwhelmed and started to cry a little bit. Luckily her mom was holding her and when I hugged her mom, she sort of realized that I was an OK person. Within 5 minutes she was happy in my arms and we cuddled the rest of the time we shared together.

I had mentally prepared myself for that moment and so that helped to lessen the sting of her not recognizing me. But it still does bring me a tinge of sadness that she is only going to recognize her new parents for awhile. I wish that I could be the face she wakes up to and goes to sleep with. I wish that it was my arms she reached for when she is scared. I wish that she only felt safe when she knows I am around.

Someday, I hope to be someone she can talk to and feel safe with...it just may take some time to get to that point. She's just a baby after all....just an innocent, precious, carefree child that has no idea what her life has been like up to this point. She only knows this moment and the people who are in front of her day in and day out. And that's OK.

The things that I know are constant in her life include a multitude of people who love her fiercely. That is all that I could want for my daughter....she is loved and cared for by so many people. It's so funny that in the beginning of all of this, all I focused on were the two parents who would be raising her...when in reality, she got two entire families to love her! That's in addition to my family. It's almost unfair how much love she has! I can't wait for the day she realizes just what that means for her...I hope her heart will always be full.

xoxo

ADOPTION ROCKS!

Happy National Adoption Month, everyone!! This is such a wonderful time to raise awareness of the fantastic choice women have in adoption. Being faced with an unplanned pregnancy is scary and difficult, trust me I know. There are a million voices shouting about abortion, but I want these women to know there are other choices. Choices that can not only save the life of your child, but bring so much joy to your life and others. Adoption is, hands down, the best choice I have ever made in my life. My daughter is a rock star and because of her, I want to be a better person. That is why I started this blog-to change the shouting voices from abortion to adoption.

I was asked back onto the wonderful Life Right Now radio/podcast this last week and was able to talk through some of my adoption story and what I would say to a woman who is considering abortion. I can't express to those of you who may be going through this how much joy I feel today. The last year has been difficult, but I can walk with my head held high because I know I did the right thing. Lets start focusing on empowering women to make positive choices, not only for themselves but for the lives of others.

If you'd like to listen into my interview, here is the link: http://liferightnow.net/

My interview was on 11/8/14 and starts about 20 minutes in.

If you have any questions or just need someone to talk with about what you are going through, feel free to e-mail me or comment below. I would love to be a resource for you, and if I can't be, I know where I can send you for help.

xoxo

Choosing Life

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that Joni Ernst is going to be the first woman to represent Iowa in the US Senate. Ms Ernst is also a wildly conservative Republican and is passionate about the pro-life movement.

A lot of my friends are, for a lack of better words, pissed off that she won last night and claim that the women in Iowa will no longer have basic rights and that we are now stuck in the 1800's for the next six years. I understand both sides of this argument, I really do, but I think people are labeling Ernst's view on pro-life incorrectly.

She is not against women and their right to choose. She is FOR the child and their right to life. 

Say what you will about when life actually starts, be is at conception or when they first come out of the womb. Joni obviously believes that life begins at conception and I have to agree with her. Why is it OK for an expectant mother to rejoice the moment she finds out she is pregnant and begin dreaming of this future child's life, but if you are raped you get to decide that the life you are carrying isn't really a life at the time of conception? Does a life that begins from what is clearly an awful event not deserve the same sort of chance of life? 

Obviously for me this is a really sensitive subject and I know that I will have a lot of people against my own views on the subject, but I thank God every day that my sweet Charlie is here. I don't care how she came to be, I'm just so happy she is in this world and I get to know her. My situation started with a horrible event but look at how much goodness has come out of it. When you see the face of this beautiful child, you know that choosing life is the best option. 

Yes, it is hard to carry a child that you aren't ready for but it's a small portion of your life that goes by all too quickly. And when you think about the parents you can make so happy by placing a child in their arms, you can literally change their lives. Nothing about it is easy...but I can't imagine that it is easy to have an abortion either. Living with that would be so hard. I think it would be harder than going through a pregnancy and adoption process, honestly. 

In the end, I regret nothing. Choosing life is the most important thing I have ever done with my life. I am thankful that more children will be getting the right to life here in Iowa.

Cos this is the face of a girl who is ready to live....and ready to party!!

xoxo

An Update...

When you're in the midst of carrying a child, your mind can only handle a certain amount of information/thoughts/feelings/worries/etc. That was very true for me and my pregnancy; I could only see the impact this would have on me and I didn't have the emotional capability of thinking about life after she was born. I'm of the belief that it is probably a good thing that I wasn't burdened by more than I was because I doubt I could have handled all of it. I think God has a way of protecting us from ourselves sometimes....I'm glad He was watching out for me back then.

However, here we are now...almost four months after Charlie was born and I'm dealing with the aftermath. It's hard. I don't know if there's a word that can actually explain what I feel...I guess hard is as close to is as I will get. But I just want to be clear that when I say this is hard, that does NOT mean I regret anything or that I am second guessing myself. I'm simply saying that this part of the adoption process is hard.

I also want to acknowledge that this is really hard for other people in my life; my mom in particular. Every day I get photos from Charlie's mom and I have been instructed to immediately forward them onto my mom. I, of course, love sending the photos to my mom because we both cherish this baby so much. My mom was with me the entire time I was in the hospital and she was the first person to hold Charlie. She loves this little girl so much....and so for her, she is learning how to deal with watching her first biological grandchild being raised by someone else. We have moments where we both just get teary eyed looking at pictures of her...and I can't tell you how many times my mom will say, "I just can't wait to hold her again." This just makes my heart break for my mom...I know exactly how she is feeling. Going 4-6 weeks without seeing Charlie is miserable. But those few hours of being with her are so awesome!

I've scheduled a fun visit for everyone in my family to see her in November and we are all really excited! This is the kind of stuff that helps get us through...knowing that we have a visit to look forward to helps so much. I have it on my planner with a big red heart around it!

Another thing that is helping me process and move forward is that I am making advances in my own life. When I got pregnant, it was like my world was put on hold. I moved back in with my parents and my world revolved around this child. Now it's like I have to re-learn how life goes. I've moved out of my parents and I'm working a really great job. I bought a new car and I'm just focusing on bettering myself. I've started to take anti depression medication again, but I refuse to feel bad about that. I needed some help in balancing myself out and I'm choosing to get that help. That is a good thing.

I'm really actually quite happy in my life. I know that I did the right thing when it came to choosing to carry and give life to Charlie. I know that I chose an amazing set of parents for her and I am excited for her adoption to be finalized. She is so much a part of my life and I think about her every day...I have her pictures all over my phone and I use them as a slide show on my computer at work. But I'm also learning how to live on my own again. To be in healthy relationships and to make sure I'm OK.

This post wasn't really about anything in particular, I guess....just more of an update on everything.

 Here's my cutie pie in her first pair of jeans! Look how big she is getting! She definitely will be a tall lady!

xoxo

Building Relationships with the Adoptive Parents

One of the most crucial parts of having an open adoption is the relationship you build with the parents you are choosing for your child. It's something that will be ongoing, but it is the one relationship that will help make your relationship with your child the best that it can be.

Obviously the first step in building this is choosing the parents. I was fortunate in that I only met one set of parents and I fell in love with them from day one. I actually kinda loved them before I met them because their book meant to much to me. Later when I told them how much I enjoyed their book/story, they told me they were actually thinking about changing their book! I'm so glad I got the original. I actually still have their book and keep it safe with a bunch of other keepsakes I've got saved for Charlie.

While you're meeting the parents for the first time, there are a lot of things to consider. You must protect yourself and your heart, of course, but you also want to protect their hearts as well. This is a two way street and a lot of times the parents feel like the birthmom holds all the cards. What is interesting is that I actually felt the opposite. I wanted them to agree to raise my daughter so badly, I didn't want them to say no because they didn't like me or something. Looking back I see that I was being silly in my thinking....they wanted a child and they loved me before they even met me just for considering them as parents.

That's another thing-the word considering is going to be the most overused term before you give birth. My adoption agency works really hard to protect all parties involved, so I wasn't actually able to say that I was choosing them as parents, or even that I was choosing adoption. I was merely considering everything. This is so that I don't feel coerced into doing it, as well as protecting the parents from getting their hearts overly invested. We all were working to avoid any sort of heartbreak in the event that I would choose to parent Charlie.

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So anyway....while everyone's timeline will be different, here are just a few things to keep in mind while you work to build this extremely important relationship....

1. Remember who you are doing this for: your child. This baby has got to remain your focus because they are the most important person in this entire thing. Love them enough to work at making your time with these new parents wonderful.

2. Always be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. In my mind, these two people are an extension of my family. I love them like family and I treat them as such. Trust and honesty are the foundation for any relationship. If that trust is broken, you have nothing.

3. Understand that this is hard for both of you. Both parties are putting themselves out there; this is not a commonality and there's no rule book for how it should go. Everyone feels very vulnerable and that's OK. Refer to rule number #1 for a confidence boost.

4. Whatever you say or do, say and do it in love.

5. If you have questions or concerns at any point, ask your adoption agency. They do this for a living and I promise you they have been asked just about everything before. They have answers and if they don't, they'll find one for you.

6. Don't feel pressured to have "talking points" at every meeting with the potential parents. Let the conversation happen naturally, you'll learn so much more about these people and truly get a sense of what they are like by doing so. I loved watching Charlie's parents interact with each other; they reminded me so much of my parents. That is one of the reasons I chose them....I just felt so comfortable with them.

7. Be prepared to cry. A lot. This is a really hard process, you're pregnant and you have emotions. It's OK. They will cry a lot, too. There is a lot of emotion that goes into the adoption process and it can be overwhelming at times. That's where rule #4 will come in handy.

8. If you need it, bring your support group/person/people/lamp/shirt/bra/whatever with you. For me, it was my parents. They were with me at all but 2 meetings with Charlie's parents. They were such a comfort to have with me...however, be aware that by bringing people into this, they will also become emotionally invested in the parents/baby. This will be hard for them as well.

9. When you are in the hospital and have had your child, you call the shots. You need to know where you are at emotionally and if you can handle/want the potential parents there. I thought it would be great for them to be there, but seeing them hold Charlie for the first time was like a knife in my heart. Looking back, I wish I would have waited and slowed my way into that. So please, don't feel pressured to do anything. This is your time with your baby. Cherish that.

10. When all else fails, refer to rule #1. This child will be one of the best things that ever happens to you; I promise you that. Adoption is hard and the process is long and stressful, but that child is nothing be love, awesomeness and joy. All of this pain you are feeling right now will be smacked in the face with the intense joy you get when you see their face for the first time. There is nothing like it.

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I hope these ideas/thoughts help anyone who may be going through this same thing. If you have questions or want to know more about my story, don't hesitate to email me.

xoxo

Oh, What a Difference a Year Can Make

So today is the first of October! I love October for a few reasons; I ADORE this autumn weather in Iowa, I have quite a fondness for Halloween and most importantly, my birthday is this month! I will be 26 this year and I am super excited to have been blessed with another great year of life.

As I reflect back on what this last year has been like, I realize that it was around this time last year that I found out I was pregnant with Charlie. I think back to the emotions and thoughts I was having at this time and I can't believe how much my life has changed since then. If I'm being completely honest with myself (and all of you readers) I must admit that my life was not what it should have been a year ago. I put myself into situations that allowed people to take advantage of me and ended up causing myself and the people I care the most about a lot of pain. Luckily for all of us, this pain ended up turning into joy and things worked out. But it took a lot to get us to this point. 

When you first start visiting the OB when you are pregnant, they have you take this test to evaluate where you are at mentally and emotionally. I just like to call it the "Depression Test." I took this test several times throughout the pregnancy and even had to take it at my 6 week post-pardum check up. The first time I took it, I apparently flagged myself for some serious concern. As I handed the paper back to my nurse, she asked me if these answers were accurate. I agreed that they were indeed very accurate and taking the evaluation made me realize that I really was dealing with some depression. 

They followed that test with some more verbal questions and I was shocked that I was able to answer honestly. The one question that scared me the most was when she asked if I had any thoughts of hurting myself or ending my life. Sadly, my answer was yes. I was in such a darkness with everything that was going on, I thought it would be better for everyone if I just made this whole thing go away, including myself. I've never had serious thoughts of this before in my life and it scared me that I was now. It was like I knew it was wrong to do something like that, but I couldn't see outside of my own situation enough to forget the other negative thoughts. 

After having that conversation with the doctor, they put me on some anti-depression meds (yes they were safe for baby) and it started to help. I think it also helped that I started making plans and taking action on behalf of Charlie. I was preparing for her birth and trying to set up a life for her that I wanted her to have. All of these things helped make me feel like I wasn't the worst person on the planet. 

So again, as I reflect on the last year and all that has happened, I am simply amazed at how God has truly provided the love, grace and mercy through what I refuse to call a "trial," but rather a mountain that I had to climb. Climbing mountains isn't a bad thing, in fact some crazy people do it for fun. (I'll never understand that, I'm quite content here on the ground.) But there is this song called, "For Every Mountain" that I grew up listening to and my favorite singer in the world, Mary Heaberlin (who I hope sees this) sings all the time around the churches in Des Moines. The song talks about how we have so much to be thankful for, how there are blessings and open doors that God provides us every day. And that it is only after we have gotten over these mountains in our lives that we can truly see all of these great blessings and mercies. That is exactly how this last year of my life has been. 

I couldn't see the good a year ago, but I am overwhelmed with it now. Charlie is nothing but GOOD. She is amazing and her chunky little legs make me about the happiest mama in the world. I adore her and the life she is going to have on this earth. I think most moms would never want their children to experience these mountains in life because they can be so difficult to get over, but I pray that Charlie does have her own mountains to face. She will have so much support, just like I did, to get over them and then she will be able to see the glory of what God has planned for her. God has already brought her through so much and she doesn't even know it yet. While I pray for these mountains to cross Charlie's path, I also pray that she has the strength and faith enough to overcome them. That is what I'm sure my parents were praying for me this last year (and probably my whole life) and luckily, I did. I know that Charlie will also have parents who pray for her faith, too. 

So basically what I'm saying is, life can be challenging sometimes but DO NOT give up on life. Life is so beautiful and it is worth living. It is worth protecting. I value life today more than I ever thought was possible. I want all lives to be lived and cherished. And when I think about it, life is so short. I've only been here 25 years, but I know that life can change or end for me very quickly. I want to make the most of it while I have it still. I hope you will do the same. 

xoxo

A Note About Him

So I've had some people ask me about the father of Charlie and how he has played into this story. I don't want to dwell or spend very much time on him because I still have a lot of negative feelings towards him, even now. I don't want to write anything on this blog that I will regret or that is said in anger. So I'm going to be brief and factual about him.

He knows that a child resulted in the events that took place that night. He chose to not be an active member/player in the choices made during my pregnancy. He continues to make stupid choices with his life, so I feel like it's a good thing that he wasn't involved with anything. He was served papers to come to court in order to at least have a chance at being a part of Charlies life and he never showed.

He is a coward.

Despite the anger and hurt that I feel, I mostly just feel bad for him. He is missing out on such a wonderful, amazing and extraordinary girl. He will have to live with this forever. I don't think he'll truly grasp the reality of this whole thing until he has children of his own. Seeing your child for the first time is life changing. He missed that with Charlie. He missed her first breaths of life, her first cries, her first noises, her first smile, her first everything. He will miss everything with her. How sad is that?

I also grieve for Charlie. I know that she will, one day, want to know who he is and why he isn't around. I dread the day when I will have to tell her the whole story. Luckily, that time is years and years from now, so I'm not going to dwell on it. I just plan on loving her every moment of her life.

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Everyone's story is different. I want to acknowledge the fact that many fathers who are faced with the difficult decisions involved with an unplanned pregnancy do stand by the mother and become part of the solution. I imagine that it would be quite difficult for a father to create an adoption plan, just as it is difficult for the mother. But for those men who make the right decision, I thank you. I wish more people could be like you. So again, thank you.

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As I said before, I don't want to write any of this post with anger in my heart because I do value him for one thing: He helped me make Charlie. She wouldn't have come into my life, into her new parents lives, without him. Granted a very small part of him was needed, but nonetheless, he helped. I would go through everything again if it meant getting to have her in my life. I don't regret anything when it comes to her. She is worth it all. Creating life is worth it all.

xoxo