A Note About Him

So I've had some people ask me about the father of Charlie and how he has played into this story. I don't want to dwell or spend very much time on him because I still have a lot of negative feelings towards him, even now. I don't want to write anything on this blog that I will regret or that is said in anger. So I'm going to be brief and factual about him.

He knows that a child resulted in the events that took place that night. He chose to not be an active member/player in the choices made during my pregnancy. He continues to make stupid choices with his life, so I feel like it's a good thing that he wasn't involved with anything. He was served papers to come to court in order to at least have a chance at being a part of Charlies life and he never showed.

He is a coward.

Despite the anger and hurt that I feel, I mostly just feel bad for him. He is missing out on such a wonderful, amazing and extraordinary girl. He will have to live with this forever. I don't think he'll truly grasp the reality of this whole thing until he has children of his own. Seeing your child for the first time is life changing. He missed that with Charlie. He missed her first breaths of life, her first cries, her first noises, her first smile, her first everything. He will miss everything with her. How sad is that?

I also grieve for Charlie. I know that she will, one day, want to know who he is and why he isn't around. I dread the day when I will have to tell her the whole story. Luckily, that time is years and years from now, so I'm not going to dwell on it. I just plan on loving her every moment of her life.

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Everyone's story is different. I want to acknowledge the fact that many fathers who are faced with the difficult decisions involved with an unplanned pregnancy do stand by the mother and become part of the solution. I imagine that it would be quite difficult for a father to create an adoption plan, just as it is difficult for the mother. But for those men who make the right decision, I thank you. I wish more people could be like you. So again, thank you.

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As I said before, I don't want to write any of this post with anger in my heart because I do value him for one thing: He helped me make Charlie. She wouldn't have come into my life, into her new parents lives, without him. Granted a very small part of him was needed, but nonetheless, he helped. I would go through everything again if it meant getting to have her in my life. I don't regret anything when it comes to her. She is worth it all. Creating life is worth it all.

xoxo

What Not To Say About Adoption...

I am so happy that I am able to share my story and help educate people on what adoption, open adoption, and what being a birth mom is like. I have been able to actually share my heart and not feel like it's this big secret that no one can know about. Ultimately, it's just been a relief and I feel like I can just be myself because I have no secrets.

Since I started sharing my story and opening up about Charlie and my relationship, I have been able to have a lot of great conversations with friends and even people I have just met about it. While I know that open adoption is a relatively new concept, and talking about placing your child with two other people to care for her is a little bit uncomfortable to talk about, I just want to educate you on what NOT to say to people involved with adoption.

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There seems to still be this stigma related with adoption that I just cannot tolerate and I need to make myself very clear: The reason I placed Charlie with her adoptive parents was NOT because I didn't want her. If I hear anyone ever say that moms give their children up because they didn't want them, I will seriously go ballistic on you. What would be even worse would be to hear someone tell a child that their parents didn't want them and that's why they are adopted.

PEOPLE: ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!!

I want Charlie so bad it breaks my heart every day. I LOVE her more than she will possibly know...at least not until she has children of her own. That is the only way she could understand the love a mother has for her children. The idea of letting her go to these other parents was heart breaking, but I knew that it was the right thing. I wanted her to have all that they could offer her. I couldn't give her a father, a home, stability, etc. What is amazing is that the things that I could offer her, like love, grace, advice, cuddles...I still get to give her those things. She will always get that from me. So please-don't question my desire to "keep" her.

I did keep her when I chose to give her life.

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Another thing that bothers me is the wording that is given to adoption. I did not "give her up." I placed her with two parents who will be adopting her. I literally chose these two human beings for her. I did not make that choice lightly and I have no regrets about the parents I gave to her. I love them so much and they love her and I just as much.

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One question that is, to me, a silly question....it almost makes me laugh, actually: Was it hard?

Was it hard? Um. YES. It was hard. It was hard for everyone in my family. It still is hard. It's even hard for the adoptive parents. They struggle with feelings of guilt, like they took this child away from me. There will be hard parts of this whole thing for our entire lives. There is no doubt that adoption, from all aspects, is hard. OBVIOUSLY. I just pray that God will grant all of us enough love and grace for each other so that we can move through these "hard" moments and continue to do everything that is in the best interest of Charlie. She was not hard. She was the best part of all of this.

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Finally, one thing I wish had never happened to me was an encounter with a complete stranger while I was still pregnant with Charlie. I was maybe 25 weeks along at this point. I was still working at Lane Bryant and was helping a customer in her dressing room when we realized we were both pregnant. It was exciting at first because we could share stories about how our pregnancies were going, but when I started talking about how I was making an adoption plan for her, she decided she would offer me some "woman to woman" advice. What she said next will forever haunt me and it still makes me sick. She told me that she once found herself with an unplanned pregnancy a couple of years ago. She didn't find out until she was about 20 weeks along, and she thought about keeping it, but ended up googling ways to force a miscarriage. She gave me the specifics of how to do it and suggested that I do the same because doing adoption would be so much harder. As she was speaking to me, I literally felt myself getting woozy, light headed, sweaty and most of all, nauseous. I had to run to the bathroom to make it to a toilet in time.

Was this lady for real?! She just told me how to kill my child. The child that I had just been to the doctor to see. The child I had picked a name for. The child I was already madly in love with.

So for those of you who think you may know what's "best" for women who find themselves with an unexpected pregnancy, don't even start. If you support a woman's choice to do what she wants with her body, then let her make her own choices.


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Well that pretty much sums it up....if I come across anything else, I'll be sure to add it to this blog.

Basically, a good rule of thumb when talking about adoption is to do so in love. Let your words be spoken with a positive spirit because it deserves to be a positive occasion. Adoption is beautiful. Really, really beautiful. Lets start to make it that way.

xoxo

Today Is A Big Day!

So today is a pretty important day in the adoption process for our little Charlie. In order for her new parents to be able to pursue adoption, my and the father's parental rights had to be terminated. I signed a document several weeks ago in order to terminate mine, but because the father has not been an active participant in any of this, they had to summon him to court. That court hearing was today, and (shocker) he didn't show up, so the judge is then allowed to sign over his rights for him. So now that we have moved passed this hurdle, the new parents can officially start the adoption process!

I was so excited to get this news today, I immediately wrote a little message to the mom and shared my joy for her and their family. She was crying tears of joy and relief as she had also heard the news. It really is so beautiful to see how excited and happy they are to be given the opportunity to raise this beautiful little girl. She will soon become part of their family forever and I am so excited for them, but more importantly, I'm excited for Charlie. She has such amazing parents in these two people and will have a truly beautiful life ahead of her.

Little Charlie is starting to really take in the world...in the pictures I get, she seems to really be looking around and observing what a wonderful place God has created for us. She has also been more smiley and seems to be developing quite a personality! She loves people and being social...her mom was telling me that they had friends over the other night and Charlie wouldn't go to sleep until after they had left. She's like me that way...doesn't want to miss all the fun! Can't blame her, she's so loved by all of her new family and friends. Who wouldn't want to spend time with them?

Well, here's to the beginning of a wonderful, rich, blessed and loving life for you, sweet baby girl. Wherever your heart may take you, I will always be there. I love you so much! Can't wait until you are able to really understand just how much I love you!!

 

xoxo

Two Months of a Beautiful Life

Happy two month birthday, sweet baby Charlie! I am having a hard time comprehending the idea that you entered the world just a short two months ago! So much has happened in your life and I love seeing how much you've grown. You've recently started smiling and I love seeing your eyes sparkle with joy. It melts my heart and reminds me every day why I did what I did. 

I still have moments of extreme sadness, but I can still find joy when I think about what a wonderful life you will have. We have started the period of time where I will do monthly visits instead of weekly. I wish I could hold you and give you a million kisses on this special day. Well, I wish I could do that every day. But you better believe I'm sending you so much love and happiness today! I thank God for you every day and pray that He will continue to work and move in your life. 

You know He has been watching and caring for you from the moment you were conceived. Actually, even before that. I believe He has such a wonderful and amazing life prepared for you! I think He has chosen you to change lives; you already have changed mine and you don't even know it yet! :) 

But for today, enjoy being a beautiful, loved and smiley little baby. You are really good at that! 

I love you.

Xoxo

Late Night Thoughts

I'm having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I think it's mostly because I am so excited to get to go and visit Charlie tomorrow morning. My little brother, Andre, is coming along and I'm just excited to share some time with this new extension of my family.

The other obstacles keeping me from sweet sleep are just from my racing mind. This seems to be my reality this week; troubled sleep. It is my final week of maternity leave and on Saturday, my "normal" routine begins again. Back to the daily grind. I find it odd to try and label the next phase of my life as my "new normal." My old normal was fine...and by that, I mean just fine. Nothing spectacular, nothing really exciting and quite honestly lacking inspiration. I was going through the motions; living day by day, trying to get through it.

Now I will never say or even think that God planned for me to go through the pain and fear I experienced when I initially found out about my pregnancy, but I do believe that God's hand was completely covering me throughout the entire time. Looking back, I believe that God was trying to get my attention.....I wasn't living for Him. I was living for nothing, not even myself. I will take responsibility when I agree that I put myself in a position where I was easily taken advantage of. I made some stupid choices that night and I paid consequences for them. Said consequences are both painful and wonderful.

I do know that God is able to use even the darkest of situations and turn them into beautiful and wonderful experiences that will sculpt and change lives. That is what this pregnancy has done for me. I have learned more about myself in the last year; learned about the woman I hope to be, discovered passions that I didn't know I had and also realized that there were some passions I had forgotten about.

One of these forgotten passions is music. More specifically, worship music. I had left my previous church shortly before finding out that I was pregnant and I didn't really have any new church in mind to start attending. I was so used to being an active member in my church, spending on average 3-4 nights or days per week at the church. And then all of a sudden, there was nothing. Of course it would be this time without my church family that I would go through the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life. God seems to have a funny sense of humor, that way.

My mother and I began attending a church closer to our home in Ankeny and if I am being completely honest, I wasn't feeling it. It wasn't necessarily the church itself, but I wasn't feeling God. I felt so angry, sad, depressed and just in a funk. But I knew that it was important for me to attend church, so we continued to visit every Sunday. I have to say now that I am so thankful that we did. I don't know what would have happened if I had completely shut off all of my connections to God. Well, I know I would be a mess. Just not sure how much of one.

I have grown to love this church...the pastor is incredible, preaching on issues that aren't exactly easy to listen to. He speaks truth and real life stuff that is relevant to our lives today. It doesn't hurt that he's hilarious, too. He's amazing. :) After realizing I actually was enjoying sermons (a first in my life) I figure this church can't be all bad. I started to feel excitement about going to worship for the first time in several months. This is when I think I started to feel God really move in my heart and in my life.

I have started singing again and I can't believe how much I have missed it. It's just my outlet and the quickest way I can feel connected to God. It's like my direct line, my speed dial to Jesus. It's awesome. So when I found out that this new church was holding auditions for it's praise team, I felt a nudge in my heart to just try. So I did that tonight with my brother. (Oh yeah, awesome bonus is that my brother is wanting to get involved here, too! YES!) I think it went well and we will hear back from them next week. My prayer is just that if it is where God wants me, He will open that door. If not, then He must have something awesome planned elsewhere. I hope I have the courage to just continue to walk in faith.

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I realize that this blog might seem like ramblings, but I hope it can give some sort of insight as to how God is working in my life right now. I know that when you are in the midst of the darkest times in your life, it's so hard to see what God is doing. It can be hard to even see a God at all. I know, I've been there. But I want anyone who is standing there, in that darkness, to know that you WILL come out of this stronger. God is famous for turning the most difficult times in our lives into amazing and miraculous experiences. I know and trust that He is absolutely going to do the same thing for you. Just continue to move forward. Take each step, even if it is a little bit at a time.

xoxo

Thinking About Charlie

It has only been four days since I got to visit Charlie, but for some reason I have been missing her like crazy this week. I wonder if the fact that my weekly visits are going to be soon over and I am grieving the loss of how fun that is for me. I head back to work at the end of next week and once that happens, we will move to monthly visits. Knowing how much she can grow from week to week is making a month of time seem like an eternity. What will I miss and how can I know that she will still feel my love for her over that period of time? Will she forget who I am or wonder if I will ever come back? I know it is crazy to think of a little baby having these sort of thoughts, but I just can't stand the thought of her ever questioning my love for her or feeling abandoned by me.

It is true that a baby will be connected and know who her birth mother is. She knows my heart beat and the sound of my voice. Part of our plan when moving forward with the adoption was to create a smooth transition for Charlie. Going from myself to her new mom is something we put a lot of time and thought into. This is why I spent my time with her in the hospital, then visited her every day for a week once we left the hospital and then moved to weekly visits. We wanted her to know that I was still around, but also allow her to get used to this new voice and caretaker.

Now that we are quickly approaching the period of monthly visits, I'm just having a hard time knowing that the next time I see her, she will have grown and feel so different in my arms. The next time I see her, she will be making faces and smiling up at me. These are all exciting things, so I am trying to change my paradigm to be more excited....not fearing the loss of time I missed out on, but feeling joy and happiness that my sweet child is growing and developing and I still get to see her amazing childhood unfold before my eyes. This is something that so many other birth moms missed. But I get the chance to follow her life and even be a part of it. I will be able to tell her how much I love her every time I see her. I will be able to cheer her on as she performs at choir concerts or goes to bat at her softball games. I will still be able to spoil her with cute clothes I find and just can't resist buying. I will remind her how beautiful she is and how much time God spent making her just so. I will be able to watch as she discovers herself and finds a passion for life, and I will encourage her to follow that passion and to stay true to who she is. I will remind her that boys are dumb and she can just be single until she is 40; it'll save her lots of trouble. And when she ignores that last piece of advice, I will be there to hold her and help her through her first heart break.

I may not be the one raising her, but I will be one of the people loving her throughout her entire life. I hope that she will understand just how much I do love her; how much my family loves her. She is easily my favorite person on this planet. She changed my life and is helping me to discover who I am and what my passions are. She has no idea how wonderful she is....at least not yet. But you best believe that I will help her learn someday.

So...as I worked through this blog and just wrote out my thoughts, I hope that I can find the strength and happiness to embrace this new phase of the adoption process. I knew this would never be easy...I figured I had worked through the hardest part when I signed over my parental rights, but it does appear that this will be hard for awhile. The one thing I know, however, is that this child is completely worth all of the anxiety, pain, tears and heartbreak. She just is.

I love you, Charlie girl. See you soon.

xoxo

Bethany Christian Services

Today I had a great time eating lunch and catching up with one of the advocates/social workers who helped me create my adoption plan for Charlie. She is so awesome, not only for helping me while I was pregnant and in need of guidance, but for being interested in how I am doing after all is said and done. She truly cares about all of the parties involved with the adoption process. Her name is Marlene and if you ever get to meet this beautiful hippy woman, your life will surely be blessed and enriched. She is passionate about what she does and has been helping to create amazing families for 25+ years.

She works at an organization called Bethany Christian Services. I personally worked through the Des Moines branch, but they have offices all over the country. When I found their website, this is what I read...


Who we are: 

Bethany Christian Services is a global nonprofit family preservation and child welfare organization caring for orphans and vulnerable children on five continents. Bethany is recognized as a prominent leader in social services worldwide. Founded in 1944, our mission calls us to demonstrate the love and compassion of Jesus Christ by protecting and enhancing the lives of children and families around the world.

Bethany Christian Service is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

What we do:

Bethany is about kids in families. We serve children of all ages as we strive toward a world where every child has a loving family. Our services include family support and preservation, adoption, foster care, pregnancy counseling, training, refugee services, sponsorship, and infertility ministry. We are called to demonstrate the compassion of Jesus Christ to vulnerable children and families around the world.

What most pulled me to them was that they speak about how important the child is in all of this. They want to serve children and that is exactly what I wanted to do for my child, as well. I was also touched that they operate with such a strong conviction in their faith and want to do what Christ calls us to do. I want nothing more than for my daughter to know the love of Jesus Christ.

When you decide to make an adoption plan for your child, it is nothing short of difficult, complicated and odd. I never knew I would ever need to do this, but now that I have been through it, I hope that every adoption plan is made with as much love and care as mine was. Every decision and step I took towards placing Charlie for adoption, I was first and foremost concerned with her well being. It was fantastic that Bethany was also supportive of this priority. 

At the Des Moines branch of BCS, they use a "model" for adoption that I am so in love with and support 100%. Not every adoption agency supports or work the way they are, but I hope that in time they will adopt (no pun intended) this model. While you are pregnant, it is important to know that you are only condsidering adoption, you are only considering parents, etc. They do this for the best interest of both the birth parents and the potential adoptive parents. If I were to agree to adoption and choose parents, then have the baby and change my mind, there would be some serious heart break involved for those parents. Not only this, but if I had already told them I was choosing them and then changed my mind, I might feel coerced into doing the adoption because I didn't want to hurt them. These sort of things should just never be a factor while you are deciding the fate of a child. 

While I was pregnant, I knew intellectually that adoption was the right thing to do for Charlie, so it was difficult to not just agree to the whole thing and tell these parents I had been meeting with that I choose them. But now I understand completely why they did not want me to agree to anything before she was born. When you hold your child for the first time, and all moms will agree with me, you instantly become protective and incredibly attached to that baby. (Typing that last sentence was tricky because there are no words to describe what that feeling is, you just have to experience it to understand.) So holding your child and then making the decision to actually follow through with the adoption was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. Probably will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. When I was holding her, it was like my mind knew what the right thing was, but my heart wasn't agreeing. I never wanted to let her go. 

While we were at the hospital, the parents I had been meeting with came to visit me and got to meet and see Charlie for the first time. First they came in to see me and they even brought me gifts! They are so thoughtful and kind. The mom was so concerned with how I was doing, she immediately grabbed me in for a hug and just cried. She was so happy I was OK and that everything went well. (She was already exhibiting some serious mommy traits lol) When they decided that they wanted to meet Charlie, my mom went down to the nursery and introduced them to her. They came back to my room with her and we shared some time with baby Charlie. 

I have to be honest when I say that seeing them hold her for the first time was heart breaking for some reason. My instincts were jumping out of my skin, telling me to go get her and take her back. She was my baby, my daughter. Looking back, I wonder if it all was happening too soon....but I was able to remain calm and keep my composure. I'm sure the fact that I couldn't move after the surgery and all of the drugs I was on helped with this, but I'd like to think my mind helped me stay strong, too. 

They came to visit me every day that weekend while I recovered. They would only come by for a couple hours at a time which was exactly what I needed. Before I went into the hospital to have Charlie, we did make a plan with them to help sort of guide how the weekend would go. They stayed at a hotel near the hospital and brought some friends of theirs along to help kill time and help them stay emotionally and mentally stable. BCS was awesome in helping us decide how that would go. They knew that I would need my alone time with my daughter and that my emotions would be running on overdrive with all that was going on. I am so thankful they helped us to do a smooth transition from birth, to interim care, to adoption. 

Right now, Charlie is still technically in what they call interim care. I signed the papers that terminate my parental rights three weeks after she was born. The laws in Iowa make it so that the birth mom cannot sign those documents until three days after the child's birth. This is because they want to make sure the mom knows exactly what she is doing and doesn't do anything while under the stress and craziness that is giving birth. I thought, before I gave birth, that I would be able to do that for sure after three days. Boy was I wrong. What I loved about BCS is that they told me a million times that I could sign those papers whenever I felt like I was ready. Turns out I wasn't ready until three weeks later. I just needed time for my heart to catch back up with my head. I needed them to agree that what I was doing was the right thing. 

So now, the parents I chose for her are taking care of her and the adoption should take roughly six months to be finalized. It's such a long process, but well worth it for this beautiful child. It was so fun to get to talk to her parents after I signed the documents because they were finally able to start talking about her as if she were their daughter. Hearing her mom say how much she loved her for the first time melted my heart. I no longer feel anger or hurt when I see them with her. I feel an abundance of love and joy! It is so exciting and helps me to know that I did the right thing. I have no regrets about the choices I have made thus far. 

Bethany Christian Services has continued to be in contact with myself and Charlie's parents throughout this entire process. They are truly fantastic! I feel like there is not enough space on the internet to talk about how much I love them. If you are looking for a wonderful support system or just answers to any questions you may have on adoption or unplanned pregnancies, I would always support talking to the people at Bethany Christian Services. 

Here's a link to their website: www.bethany.org

And just in case you forgot how adorable Charlie is...

xoxo