Adoption: Does it get easier over time?

It's been over two years since my little girl was born and I placed her for adoption. I am not shy about talking about her or sharing my story with people because I believe it is important to change how people think about adoption. I enjoy helping people feel comfortable with starting the conversation and not feeling like it's some taboo subject. Most people will offer me a chance to not talk about it, though. They'll say something like, "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want." And honestly, I have taken that out a couple of times...mainly because there are moments where I am certain I will cry if I keep talking about it and I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable with getting that vulnerable. However, for the majority of the time, I will push that gesture to the side and open the conversation up.

One of the most common questions I get is, "Does it get easier over time?" My answer has varied over the last two years because I wasn't sure...the grieving process is so complicated and the way I was handling everything has been different than other birth mom's I've connected with. Every adoption story is unique, so I always remind myself that it's not strange for me to be in a different spot than others. I also have a wonderful mother who has told me over and over that whatever I am feeling is normal. All of this to say that if I'm being completely honest with myself, I would say that it does not get easier. It still hurts when I think about everything I'm missing out on. I still break down and cry, weep, sob because my heart aches when I remember having to watch her new parents driving away with her for the first time. So no, it doesn't get easier over time. But I have gotten stronger and I've learned ways to cope with the pain. So while some people see me as someone who's done with the grieving process, I know that I've just gotten good at putting on a brave face.

To be honest, having to listen to people talk about adoption or issues like being pro-life or pro-choice, who have never actually experienced it or had to make a decision like this, bring out more emotion from me than those who just ask me about my daughter.

November is National Adoption Awareness Month and it's exciting to be able to speak more about my story during a time when it is getting attention. Like I said in the beginning of my post, it's important for anyone who has played a part in adoption to share their stories. And it's important for people who don't know anything about it to listen. Together we can change the stigma that is attached to adoption.

xoxo

National Adoption Awareness Month

I'll be the first to admit that I didn't really know much about adoption before I found out that I was pregnant. I thought it was something a 16 year old did when they accidentally got pregnant and their mom and dad's forced them to give the baby up. Adoption was this secretive thing that was basically a taboo subject, especially if you were the birth parent. But people who actually did the adopting were to be praised. (And I still believe this wholeheartedly. I adore my daughters adoptive parents and I always will.) But I wanted to help educate everyone on this amazing thing called adoption. It's not taboo. It never should have been and we can be the ones who remove the stigma. 

National Adoption Awareness Month has quite the history...in fact, it originally started as just a week-long event back in 1984. President Reagan started it to help bring to light the need for adoptive families for all of the children in foster care. Then in 1995, President Clinton upped the ante and made it an entire month!  In fact, Clinton asked The Department of Health and Human Services to use this *new thing* called the internet to create a tool that would make it easier for families to find children to adopt in 1998. Despite what you may think about President Clinton, you gotta admit that was pretty cool of him. 

For me, my education on adoption really began after I told my parents about Charlie. You can read my older posts for more on that difficult conversation, but needless to say, we were all in agreement that adoption was definitely the best choice for this little baby. It wasn't a matter of whether or not I would be a good mother or not, in fact I feel like I am an awesome mother for making the decision that I did. But we wanted Charlie to have parents who loved each other, a home that was safe and we wanted her to have every opportunity and advantage for success. She deserves everything and I wanted to give her that. 

I find it ironic now, after reading about Clinton's request for the internet search tool, but I literally started at Google. I just typed in adoption agencies and Bethany Christian Services popped up. I followed the link to their website and found out there was a branch in Des Moines. I gave them a call and was meeting with an advocate a week later. It all happened so quickly and they were so helpful with everything. But it's still crazy to think that I started looking for parents for my baby on the internet. Sure, you can buy a car from some rando on Craigslist, but parents for a real life baby?! Yep, did it on the internet. And to be honest, I think it's amazing that the resources are SO EASY to find because how else are scared mothers who don't know what to do, going to find help otherwise? 

Now, I will say that I'm dumbing down the journey that was actually required to find parents for Charlie...it's not like a dating website where you read a profile and swipe right. But it did start online, and then I got their book, and then I got to meet them. And I loved them. I never had doubts and I still don't. Would you believe that they STILL send me photos of my sweet girl every week, even 2 1/2 years later? That's serious love. 

But I want to go back to my second sentence in this blog. The biggest thing I've learned about adoption is that it's not just for scared 16 year olds. Sure, they are certainly a part of this adoption equation, but take me for example. I was 25, worked a full time job, lived on my own and for all intents and purposes, had a pretty successful life ahead of me. But I'm not the only exception; think of all the birth dads out there. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to make this type of decision for a person you aren't carrying, to have to figure out a way to work with the birth mom to find the best plan for your child. 

But aside from this, I think, or at least I hope, that by myself and all of the other strong birth parents out in the world who are sharing their story, the world will be forced to change their mentality on adoption. It it my prayer that all parties involved in the adoption (birth parents, adoptive parents, families and especially the child) would be treated with respect and love. This shouldn't be a secret or taboo subject to talk about. Adoption is beautiful. It's has saved countless lives. I would be lost without this option. 

I'll be posting a bit more this month because I know I haven't shared a lot lately and I want to help celebrate adoption and truly bring awareness. 

xoxo