Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Woulda Coulda Shoulda

"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me...Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."
-Shel Silverstein
 
This quote has been ringing through my head for the last 24 hours after having a lovely conversation with my parents last night. Since I've moved to Ohio, I find myself loving the nights when I call my mom and my dad is right next to her. She'll put me on speaker and it's *almost* like I'm right there in the living room with them, just sharing time and laughing together. We'll talk about our days and they are always sure to tell me how proud they are of me. I don't think they know how much that means to me; to have the people you look up to most telling you that they're proud of you...that's something so special. 
 
Last night we had more to talk about because I became "facebook official" with the man I've been seeing for the last couple of months. This is a big deal in our house because we grew up knowing and always remembering to protect our hearts. Having something so personal, like a romantic relationship, put out on a public forum is something to do only when you feel completely comfortable with it. With this in mind, I haven't been public with a relationship status in years. Sure, I've dated people and even had some meaningful relationships, but never were they posted for all to see. My boyfriend is somewhat of a private person, so imagine my surprise when HE took the leap of making US public. 
 
So as I'm discussing this with my parents, I also start to just reflect on why this particular guy is special. Why I feel like I'm OK with us being listed as a pairing on social media. And I happened across the thought that he's the first guy I've seriously dated who shares the same faith as I do. Having this key portion of our lives to discuss, challenge one another and enjoy together has made this relationship different somehow. And I found myself saying that I shouldn't have dated any of those other guys, knowing what I know now. Like why would I waste my time, knowing how important this part of my life is, dating someone who just doesn't believe in God? It doesn't make them bad people, it just doesn't make them the right one for me. 
 
Luckily, my dad was quick to say that there are three words that we, as humans, shouldn't dwell on: woulda, coulda, shoulda. He told me that spending too much time in the past can cloud the present and/or future. So allowing ourselves to live too much in that 'woulda coulda shoulda' world isn't worth our time, but living in the joy that today has to bring is definitely worth our time. And that is exactly what I'm trying to do. I want to fully enjoy my time in this relationship and embrace all the joy that this man has brought to my life. 
 
So to bring it back to the above quote by the wonderful Shel Silverstein, I love how he brings this child full circle from listening to all the negative things the world has to offer, but then quickly reminds the child that despite all of that, anything can happen. Although Shel wrote this a long time ago, the concept is true to life in general. As humans, we are flooded with all these things that are negative, things we shouldn't do, etc...but through all of that, there are lessons to be learned. The time we spend today moving through the course of life, will only help us to fully remember all the amazing things that our future have to bring. Anything can happen, anything can be. 
 
**I realize this has little to do with my adoption or being a birthmom, but this is a lesson that has taken me a long 27 years to learn. And if I can try to impart anything to my daughter as she grows up and navigates through life, I want to. I want her know how special she is and how she should always focus on the beauty and amazing things that surround her.
 
But since most of you come here to see more about Charlie and what she's up to, here's a little photo of my girl in her natural habitat; at the dinner table, with food smeared all around her mouth. (Hand-eye coordination is still a work in progress)
 
 
And here's baby girl working on her dental hygiene....
 
 
She's really growing up! I can't wait to see her in May and then again for her birthday in June! She'll be two! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!
 
xoxo 

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Why I Chose Them To Raise Charlie

A lot of people ask me about how I chose the two wonderful people that I did to raise my little girl. I'll be honest, it wasn't an easy process, but it was definitely one of the best decisions I've made in my life. They are incredible humans and I have never second guessed my choice in who they are to me and to my daughter, our daughter.

When I met with Bethany Christian Services, they asked me what I was looking for in a family for my baby. All I knew was that I wanted them to be Christian, be willing to have an open adoption and have some interest in music. These were my only deal breakers and everything else I was open to all possibilities.

At the agency, they have a huge cabinet full of books which have been made by all of the families who are looking for a child to adopt. It's a little crazy that little ol' me had all of these options just staring me in the face. It was overwhelming. But luckily my advocate knew me and knew some of these families and was able to narrow it down to about 8 families that she thought I'd like. She sent me home with the books so I could review them and look them over.

After a few days of avoiding the books, for reasons I still can't fully understand, I sat down on my bed and prayed. I prayed over all of the books, I prayed for myself and I prayed for my baby. I grabbed each book and read them through and surprisingly found myself discovering things that I either loved or didn't love about each family. I realized that I imagined this child being the first one for a family, so those who already had kids were put into a 'No' pile. This left with with about half of the books left.

I started reading about the remaining families and the moment I started reading one of them, I started to fall in love with them. This book showed a couple, late 30's-early 40's, who had found each other late in life. Their love story was so beautiful and was centered around their mutual love for Christ. They also had a part in there that each had written about why they fell in love with the other person; which was not only adorable but also showed a side of both of their personalities that I loved.

The next part that made me love them was the page that explained that they had tried to carry a child on their own, but were unable to carry either of the babies to term. My heart broke as they told about losing two little babies. I still get emotional just thinking about the loss they had to have felt. I can't imagine. But what made me love them even more was when they said that they still felt called by God to be parents, so that is why they were exploring adoption.

The rest of their book showed photos of their wedding, their cute dogs and moments of adventure that they had shared together. It was so exciting to see little snippets into their lives and what my daughter could expect to experience and look forward to as she grows up. It also made my heart happy that the mother was a singer and the grandpa was a piano player...made me confident that Charlie would grow up surrounded by music.

The last page of their book is what made my decision to want to meet them final. They had a list of what they value most and at the top of the list was God and having a personal relationship with Him. The next thing was their family. As I read the list, I realized that these were all things that I grew up with as well and things that I found vital to being the person I was today. It just made me feel confident that my daughter would be brought up the same way I was.

After that, I scrambled the books up and had my mom look through them all and she had the same family picked out. So we decided to meet them. In February, we got to meet for the first time at the adoption agency. Full disclosure, it was awkward at first...here I am with this baby inside of me and here are these people who want to take it. But after moving past the awkwardness, it quickly became very intimate and I felt connected to them instantly. They remind me so much of my own parents and they were so vulnerable about everything....I know we all cried multiple times that day.

I honestly don't remember all of the details of that day, what was said or anything like that...I just remember driving away feeling completely at peace. I loved them. I knew they loved me and my baby. I felt no desire to meet anyone else and I was excited to see them again throughout the pregnancy to build our relationship before the baby arrived. I kind of viewed that as my own version of nesting; getting to know her future parents and getting comfortable with them.

To this day, I still adore them. I couldn't have asked for a better two people to raise the most important person to me. They have stuck to every promise they have made and they have included me so much in her life. I cherish the moments I get to see my daughter, but I also love seeing them and watching how they all interact. It's what helps my heart feel happy when I miss her because I know she's surrounded with love and is so well taken care of.

xoxo