An Update...

When you're in the midst of carrying a child, your mind can only handle a certain amount of information/thoughts/feelings/worries/etc. That was very true for me and my pregnancy; I could only see the impact this would have on me and I didn't have the emotional capability of thinking about life after she was born. I'm of the belief that it is probably a good thing that I wasn't burdened by more than I was because I doubt I could have handled all of it. I think God has a way of protecting us from ourselves sometimes....I'm glad He was watching out for me back then.

However, here we are now...almost four months after Charlie was born and I'm dealing with the aftermath. It's hard. I don't know if there's a word that can actually explain what I feel...I guess hard is as close to is as I will get. But I just want to be clear that when I say this is hard, that does NOT mean I regret anything or that I am second guessing myself. I'm simply saying that this part of the adoption process is hard.

I also want to acknowledge that this is really hard for other people in my life; my mom in particular. Every day I get photos from Charlie's mom and I have been instructed to immediately forward them onto my mom. I, of course, love sending the photos to my mom because we both cherish this baby so much. My mom was with me the entire time I was in the hospital and she was the first person to hold Charlie. She loves this little girl so much....and so for her, she is learning how to deal with watching her first biological grandchild being raised by someone else. We have moments where we both just get teary eyed looking at pictures of her...and I can't tell you how many times my mom will say, "I just can't wait to hold her again." This just makes my heart break for my mom...I know exactly how she is feeling. Going 4-6 weeks without seeing Charlie is miserable. But those few hours of being with her are so awesome!

I've scheduled a fun visit for everyone in my family to see her in November and we are all really excited! This is the kind of stuff that helps get us through...knowing that we have a visit to look forward to helps so much. I have it on my planner with a big red heart around it!

Another thing that is helping me process and move forward is that I am making advances in my own life. When I got pregnant, it was like my world was put on hold. I moved back in with my parents and my world revolved around this child. Now it's like I have to re-learn how life goes. I've moved out of my parents and I'm working a really great job. I bought a new car and I'm just focusing on bettering myself. I've started to take anti depression medication again, but I refuse to feel bad about that. I needed some help in balancing myself out and I'm choosing to get that help. That is a good thing.

I'm really actually quite happy in my life. I know that I did the right thing when it came to choosing to carry and give life to Charlie. I know that I chose an amazing set of parents for her and I am excited for her adoption to be finalized. She is so much a part of my life and I think about her every day...I have her pictures all over my phone and I use them as a slide show on my computer at work. But I'm also learning how to live on my own again. To be in healthy relationships and to make sure I'm OK.

This post wasn't really about anything in particular, I guess....just more of an update on everything.

 Here's my cutie pie in her first pair of jeans! Look how big she is getting! She definitely will be a tall lady!

xoxo

Building Relationships with the Adoptive Parents

One of the most crucial parts of having an open adoption is the relationship you build with the parents you are choosing for your child. It's something that will be ongoing, but it is the one relationship that will help make your relationship with your child the best that it can be.

Obviously the first step in building this is choosing the parents. I was fortunate in that I only met one set of parents and I fell in love with them from day one. I actually kinda loved them before I met them because their book meant to much to me. Later when I told them how much I enjoyed their book/story, they told me they were actually thinking about changing their book! I'm so glad I got the original. I actually still have their book and keep it safe with a bunch of other keepsakes I've got saved for Charlie.

While you're meeting the parents for the first time, there are a lot of things to consider. You must protect yourself and your heart, of course, but you also want to protect their hearts as well. This is a two way street and a lot of times the parents feel like the birthmom holds all the cards. What is interesting is that I actually felt the opposite. I wanted them to agree to raise my daughter so badly, I didn't want them to say no because they didn't like me or something. Looking back I see that I was being silly in my thinking....they wanted a child and they loved me before they even met me just for considering them as parents.

That's another thing-the word considering is going to be the most overused term before you give birth. My adoption agency works really hard to protect all parties involved, so I wasn't actually able to say that I was choosing them as parents, or even that I was choosing adoption. I was merely considering everything. This is so that I don't feel coerced into doing it, as well as protecting the parents from getting their hearts overly invested. We all were working to avoid any sort of heartbreak in the event that I would choose to parent Charlie.

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So anyway....while everyone's timeline will be different, here are just a few things to keep in mind while you work to build this extremely important relationship....

1. Remember who you are doing this for: your child. This baby has got to remain your focus because they are the most important person in this entire thing. Love them enough to work at making your time with these new parents wonderful.

2. Always be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. In my mind, these two people are an extension of my family. I love them like family and I treat them as such. Trust and honesty are the foundation for any relationship. If that trust is broken, you have nothing.

3. Understand that this is hard for both of you. Both parties are putting themselves out there; this is not a commonality and there's no rule book for how it should go. Everyone feels very vulnerable and that's OK. Refer to rule number #1 for a confidence boost.

4. Whatever you say or do, say and do it in love.

5. If you have questions or concerns at any point, ask your adoption agency. They do this for a living and I promise you they have been asked just about everything before. They have answers and if they don't, they'll find one for you.

6. Don't feel pressured to have "talking points" at every meeting with the potential parents. Let the conversation happen naturally, you'll learn so much more about these people and truly get a sense of what they are like by doing so. I loved watching Charlie's parents interact with each other; they reminded me so much of my parents. That is one of the reasons I chose them....I just felt so comfortable with them.

7. Be prepared to cry. A lot. This is a really hard process, you're pregnant and you have emotions. It's OK. They will cry a lot, too. There is a lot of emotion that goes into the adoption process and it can be overwhelming at times. That's where rule #4 will come in handy.

8. If you need it, bring your support group/person/people/lamp/shirt/bra/whatever with you. For me, it was my parents. They were with me at all but 2 meetings with Charlie's parents. They were such a comfort to have with me...however, be aware that by bringing people into this, they will also become emotionally invested in the parents/baby. This will be hard for them as well.

9. When you are in the hospital and have had your child, you call the shots. You need to know where you are at emotionally and if you can handle/want the potential parents there. I thought it would be great for them to be there, but seeing them hold Charlie for the first time was like a knife in my heart. Looking back, I wish I would have waited and slowed my way into that. So please, don't feel pressured to do anything. This is your time with your baby. Cherish that.

10. When all else fails, refer to rule #1. This child will be one of the best things that ever happens to you; I promise you that. Adoption is hard and the process is long and stressful, but that child is nothing be love, awesomeness and joy. All of this pain you are feeling right now will be smacked in the face with the intense joy you get when you see their face for the first time. There is nothing like it.

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I hope these ideas/thoughts help anyone who may be going through this same thing. If you have questions or want to know more about my story, don't hesitate to email me.

xoxo

Oh, What a Difference a Year Can Make

So today is the first of October! I love October for a few reasons; I ADORE this autumn weather in Iowa, I have quite a fondness for Halloween and most importantly, my birthday is this month! I will be 26 this year and I am super excited to have been blessed with another great year of life.

As I reflect back on what this last year has been like, I realize that it was around this time last year that I found out I was pregnant with Charlie. I think back to the emotions and thoughts I was having at this time and I can't believe how much my life has changed since then. If I'm being completely honest with myself (and all of you readers) I must admit that my life was not what it should have been a year ago. I put myself into situations that allowed people to take advantage of me and ended up causing myself and the people I care the most about a lot of pain. Luckily for all of us, this pain ended up turning into joy and things worked out. But it took a lot to get us to this point. 

When you first start visiting the OB when you are pregnant, they have you take this test to evaluate where you are at mentally and emotionally. I just like to call it the "Depression Test." I took this test several times throughout the pregnancy and even had to take it at my 6 week post-pardum check up. The first time I took it, I apparently flagged myself for some serious concern. As I handed the paper back to my nurse, she asked me if these answers were accurate. I agreed that they were indeed very accurate and taking the evaluation made me realize that I really was dealing with some depression. 

They followed that test with some more verbal questions and I was shocked that I was able to answer honestly. The one question that scared me the most was when she asked if I had any thoughts of hurting myself or ending my life. Sadly, my answer was yes. I was in such a darkness with everything that was going on, I thought it would be better for everyone if I just made this whole thing go away, including myself. I've never had serious thoughts of this before in my life and it scared me that I was now. It was like I knew it was wrong to do something like that, but I couldn't see outside of my own situation enough to forget the other negative thoughts. 

After having that conversation with the doctor, they put me on some anti-depression meds (yes they were safe for baby) and it started to help. I think it also helped that I started making plans and taking action on behalf of Charlie. I was preparing for her birth and trying to set up a life for her that I wanted her to have. All of these things helped make me feel like I wasn't the worst person on the planet. 

So again, as I reflect on the last year and all that has happened, I am simply amazed at how God has truly provided the love, grace and mercy through what I refuse to call a "trial," but rather a mountain that I had to climb. Climbing mountains isn't a bad thing, in fact some crazy people do it for fun. (I'll never understand that, I'm quite content here on the ground.) But there is this song called, "For Every Mountain" that I grew up listening to and my favorite singer in the world, Mary Heaberlin (who I hope sees this) sings all the time around the churches in Des Moines. The song talks about how we have so much to be thankful for, how there are blessings and open doors that God provides us every day. And that it is only after we have gotten over these mountains in our lives that we can truly see all of these great blessings and mercies. That is exactly how this last year of my life has been. 

I couldn't see the good a year ago, but I am overwhelmed with it now. Charlie is nothing but GOOD. She is amazing and her chunky little legs make me about the happiest mama in the world. I adore her and the life she is going to have on this earth. I think most moms would never want their children to experience these mountains in life because they can be so difficult to get over, but I pray that Charlie does have her own mountains to face. She will have so much support, just like I did, to get over them and then she will be able to see the glory of what God has planned for her. God has already brought her through so much and she doesn't even know it yet. While I pray for these mountains to cross Charlie's path, I also pray that she has the strength and faith enough to overcome them. That is what I'm sure my parents were praying for me this last year (and probably my whole life) and luckily, I did. I know that Charlie will also have parents who pray for her faith, too. 

So basically what I'm saying is, life can be challenging sometimes but DO NOT give up on life. Life is so beautiful and it is worth living. It is worth protecting. I value life today more than I ever thought was possible. I want all lives to be lived and cherished. And when I think about it, life is so short. I've only been here 25 years, but I know that life can change or end for me very quickly. I want to make the most of it while I have it still. I hope you will do the same. 

xoxo