As I reflect back on what this last year has been like, I realize that it was around this time last year that I found out I was pregnant with Charlie. I think back to the emotions and thoughts I was having at this time and I can't believe how much my life has changed since then. If I'm being completely honest with myself (and all of you readers) I must admit that my life was not what it should have been a year ago. I put myself into situations that allowed people to take advantage of me and ended up causing myself and the people I care the most about a lot of pain. Luckily for all of us, this pain ended up turning into joy and things worked out. But it took a lot to get us to this point.
When you first start visiting the OB when you are pregnant, they have you take this test to evaluate where you are at mentally and emotionally. I just like to call it the "Depression Test." I took this test several times throughout the pregnancy and even had to take it at my 6 week post-pardum check up. The first time I took it, I apparently flagged myself for some serious concern. As I handed the paper back to my nurse, she asked me if these answers were accurate. I agreed that they were indeed very accurate and taking the evaluation made me realize that I really was dealing with some depression.
They followed that test with some more verbal questions and I was shocked that I was able to answer honestly. The one question that scared me the most was when she asked if I had any thoughts of hurting myself or ending my life. Sadly, my answer was yes. I was in such a darkness with everything that was going on, I thought it would be better for everyone if I just made this whole thing go away, including myself. I've never had serious thoughts of this before in my life and it scared me that I was now. It was like I knew it was wrong to do something like that, but I couldn't see outside of my own situation enough to forget the other negative thoughts.
After having that conversation with the doctor, they put me on some anti-depression meds (yes they were safe for baby) and it started to help. I think it also helped that I started making plans and taking action on behalf of Charlie. I was preparing for her birth and trying to set up a life for her that I wanted her to have. All of these things helped make me feel like I wasn't the worst person on the planet.
So again, as I reflect on the last year and all that has happened, I am simply amazed at how God has truly provided the love, grace and mercy through what I refuse to call a "trial," but rather a mountain that I had to climb. Climbing mountains isn't a bad thing, in fact some crazy people do it for fun. (I'll never understand that, I'm quite content here on the ground.) But there is this song called, "For Every Mountain" that I grew up listening to and my favorite singer in the world, Mary Heaberlin (who I hope sees this) sings all the time around the churches in Des Moines. The song talks about how we have so much to be thankful for, how there are blessings and open doors that God provides us every day. And that it is only after we have gotten over these mountains in our lives that we can truly see all of these great blessings and mercies. That is exactly how this last year of my life has been.
I couldn't see the good a year ago, but I am overwhelmed with it now. Charlie is nothing but GOOD. She is amazing and her chunky little legs make me about the happiest mama in the world. I adore her and the life she is going to have on this earth. I think most moms would never want their children to experience these mountains in life because they can be so difficult to get over, but I pray that Charlie does have her own mountains to face. She will have so much support, just like I did, to get over them and then she will be able to see the glory of what God has planned for her. God has already brought her through so much and she doesn't even know it yet. While I pray for these mountains to cross Charlie's path, I also pray that she has the strength and faith enough to overcome them. That is what I'm sure my parents were praying for me this last year (and probably my whole life) and luckily, I did. I know that Charlie will also have parents who pray for her faith, too.
So basically what I'm saying is, life can be challenging sometimes but DO NOT give up on life. Life is so beautiful and it is worth living. It is worth protecting. I value life today more than I ever thought was possible. I want all lives to be lived and cherished. And when I think about it, life is so short. I've only been here 25 years, but I know that life can change or end for me very quickly. I want to make the most of it while I have it still. I hope you will do the same.
xoxo
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