Building Relationships with the Adoptive Parents

One of the most crucial parts of having an open adoption is the relationship you build with the parents you are choosing for your child. It's something that will be ongoing, but it is the one relationship that will help make your relationship with your child the best that it can be.

Obviously the first step in building this is choosing the parents. I was fortunate in that I only met one set of parents and I fell in love with them from day one. I actually kinda loved them before I met them because their book meant to much to me. Later when I told them how much I enjoyed their book/story, they told me they were actually thinking about changing their book! I'm so glad I got the original. I actually still have their book and keep it safe with a bunch of other keepsakes I've got saved for Charlie.

While you're meeting the parents for the first time, there are a lot of things to consider. You must protect yourself and your heart, of course, but you also want to protect their hearts as well. This is a two way street and a lot of times the parents feel like the birthmom holds all the cards. What is interesting is that I actually felt the opposite. I wanted them to agree to raise my daughter so badly, I didn't want them to say no because they didn't like me or something. Looking back I see that I was being silly in my thinking....they wanted a child and they loved me before they even met me just for considering them as parents.

That's another thing-the word considering is going to be the most overused term before you give birth. My adoption agency works really hard to protect all parties involved, so I wasn't actually able to say that I was choosing them as parents, or even that I was choosing adoption. I was merely considering everything. This is so that I don't feel coerced into doing it, as well as protecting the parents from getting their hearts overly invested. We all were working to avoid any sort of heartbreak in the event that I would choose to parent Charlie.

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So anyway....while everyone's timeline will be different, here are just a few things to keep in mind while you work to build this extremely important relationship....

1. Remember who you are doing this for: your child. This baby has got to remain your focus because they are the most important person in this entire thing. Love them enough to work at making your time with these new parents wonderful.

2. Always be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. In my mind, these two people are an extension of my family. I love them like family and I treat them as such. Trust and honesty are the foundation for any relationship. If that trust is broken, you have nothing.

3. Understand that this is hard for both of you. Both parties are putting themselves out there; this is not a commonality and there's no rule book for how it should go. Everyone feels very vulnerable and that's OK. Refer to rule number #1 for a confidence boost.

4. Whatever you say or do, say and do it in love.

5. If you have questions or concerns at any point, ask your adoption agency. They do this for a living and I promise you they have been asked just about everything before. They have answers and if they don't, they'll find one for you.

6. Don't feel pressured to have "talking points" at every meeting with the potential parents. Let the conversation happen naturally, you'll learn so much more about these people and truly get a sense of what they are like by doing so. I loved watching Charlie's parents interact with each other; they reminded me so much of my parents. That is one of the reasons I chose them....I just felt so comfortable with them.

7. Be prepared to cry. A lot. This is a really hard process, you're pregnant and you have emotions. It's OK. They will cry a lot, too. There is a lot of emotion that goes into the adoption process and it can be overwhelming at times. That's where rule #4 will come in handy.

8. If you need it, bring your support group/person/people/lamp/shirt/bra/whatever with you. For me, it was my parents. They were with me at all but 2 meetings with Charlie's parents. They were such a comfort to have with me...however, be aware that by bringing people into this, they will also become emotionally invested in the parents/baby. This will be hard for them as well.

9. When you are in the hospital and have had your child, you call the shots. You need to know where you are at emotionally and if you can handle/want the potential parents there. I thought it would be great for them to be there, but seeing them hold Charlie for the first time was like a knife in my heart. Looking back, I wish I would have waited and slowed my way into that. So please, don't feel pressured to do anything. This is your time with your baby. Cherish that.

10. When all else fails, refer to rule #1. This child will be one of the best things that ever happens to you; I promise you that. Adoption is hard and the process is long and stressful, but that child is nothing be love, awesomeness and joy. All of this pain you are feeling right now will be smacked in the face with the intense joy you get when you see their face for the first time. There is nothing like it.

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I hope these ideas/thoughts help anyone who may be going through this same thing. If you have questions or want to know more about my story, don't hesitate to email me.

xoxo