Thinking About Charlie

It has only been four days since I got to visit Charlie, but for some reason I have been missing her like crazy this week. I wonder if the fact that my weekly visits are going to be soon over and I am grieving the loss of how fun that is for me. I head back to work at the end of next week and once that happens, we will move to monthly visits. Knowing how much she can grow from week to week is making a month of time seem like an eternity. What will I miss and how can I know that she will still feel my love for her over that period of time? Will she forget who I am or wonder if I will ever come back? I know it is crazy to think of a little baby having these sort of thoughts, but I just can't stand the thought of her ever questioning my love for her or feeling abandoned by me.

It is true that a baby will be connected and know who her birth mother is. She knows my heart beat and the sound of my voice. Part of our plan when moving forward with the adoption was to create a smooth transition for Charlie. Going from myself to her new mom is something we put a lot of time and thought into. This is why I spent my time with her in the hospital, then visited her every day for a week once we left the hospital and then moved to weekly visits. We wanted her to know that I was still around, but also allow her to get used to this new voice and caretaker.

Now that we are quickly approaching the period of monthly visits, I'm just having a hard time knowing that the next time I see her, she will have grown and feel so different in my arms. The next time I see her, she will be making faces and smiling up at me. These are all exciting things, so I am trying to change my paradigm to be more excited....not fearing the loss of time I missed out on, but feeling joy and happiness that my sweet child is growing and developing and I still get to see her amazing childhood unfold before my eyes. This is something that so many other birth moms missed. But I get the chance to follow her life and even be a part of it. I will be able to tell her how much I love her every time I see her. I will be able to cheer her on as she performs at choir concerts or goes to bat at her softball games. I will still be able to spoil her with cute clothes I find and just can't resist buying. I will remind her how beautiful she is and how much time God spent making her just so. I will be able to watch as she discovers herself and finds a passion for life, and I will encourage her to follow that passion and to stay true to who she is. I will remind her that boys are dumb and she can just be single until she is 40; it'll save her lots of trouble. And when she ignores that last piece of advice, I will be there to hold her and help her through her first heart break.

I may not be the one raising her, but I will be one of the people loving her throughout her entire life. I hope that she will understand just how much I do love her; how much my family loves her. She is easily my favorite person on this planet. She changed my life and is helping me to discover who I am and what my passions are. She has no idea how wonderful she is....at least not yet. But you best believe that I will help her learn someday.

So...as I worked through this blog and just wrote out my thoughts, I hope that I can find the strength and happiness to embrace this new phase of the adoption process. I knew this would never be easy...I figured I had worked through the hardest part when I signed over my parental rights, but it does appear that this will be hard for awhile. The one thing I know, however, is that this child is completely worth all of the anxiety, pain, tears and heartbreak. She just is.

I love you, Charlie girl. See you soon.

xoxo