The other obstacles keeping me from sweet sleep are just from my racing mind. This seems to be my reality this week; troubled sleep. It is my final week of maternity leave and on Saturday, my "normal" routine begins again. Back to the daily grind. I find it odd to try and label the next phase of my life as my "new normal." My old normal was fine...and by that, I mean just fine. Nothing spectacular, nothing really exciting and quite honestly lacking inspiration. I was going through the motions; living day by day, trying to get through it.
Now I will never say or even think that God planned for me to go through the pain and fear I experienced when I initially found out about my pregnancy, but I do believe that God's hand was completely covering me throughout the entire time. Looking back, I believe that God was trying to get my attention.....I wasn't living for Him. I was living for nothing, not even myself. I will take responsibility when I agree that I put myself in a position where I was easily taken advantage of. I made some stupid choices that night and I paid consequences for them. Said consequences are both painful and wonderful.
I do know that God is able to use even the darkest of situations and turn them into beautiful and wonderful experiences that will sculpt and change lives. That is what this pregnancy has done for me. I have learned more about myself in the last year; learned about the woman I hope to be, discovered passions that I didn't know I had and also realized that there were some passions I had forgotten about.
One of these forgotten passions is music. More specifically, worship music. I had left my previous church shortly before finding out that I was pregnant and I didn't really have any new church in mind to start attending. I was so used to being an active member in my church, spending on average 3-4 nights or days per week at the church. And then all of a sudden, there was nothing. Of course it would be this time without my church family that I would go through the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life. God seems to have a funny sense of humor, that way.
My mother and I began attending a church closer to our home in Ankeny and if I am being completely honest, I wasn't feeling it. It wasn't necessarily the church itself, but I wasn't feeling God. I felt so angry, sad, depressed and just in a funk. But I knew that it was important for me to attend church, so we continued to visit every Sunday. I have to say now that I am so thankful that we did. I don't know what would have happened if I had completely shut off all of my connections to God. Well, I know I would be a mess. Just not sure how much of one.
I have grown to love this church...the pastor is incredible, preaching on issues that aren't exactly easy to listen to. He speaks truth and real life stuff that is relevant to our lives today. It doesn't hurt that he's hilarious, too. He's amazing. :) After realizing I actually was enjoying sermons (a first in my life) I figure this church can't be all bad. I started to feel excitement about going to worship for the first time in several months. This is when I think I started to feel God really move in my heart and in my life.
I have started singing again and I can't believe how much I have missed it. It's just my outlet and the quickest way I can feel connected to God. It's like my direct line, my speed dial to Jesus. It's awesome. So when I found out that this new church was holding auditions for it's praise team, I felt a nudge in my heart to just try. So I did that tonight with my brother. (Oh yeah, awesome bonus is that my brother is wanting to get involved here, too! YES!) I think it went well and we will hear back from them next week. My prayer is just that if it is where God wants me, He will open that door. If not, then He must have something awesome planned elsewhere. I hope I have the courage to just continue to walk in faith.
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I realize that this blog might seem like ramblings, but I hope it can give some sort of insight as to how God is working in my life right now. I know that when you are in the midst of the darkest times in your life, it's so hard to see what God is doing. It can be hard to even see a God at all. I know, I've been there. But I want anyone who is standing there, in that darkness, to know that you WILL come out of this stronger. God is famous for turning the most difficult times in our lives into amazing and miraculous experiences. I know and trust that He is absolutely going to do the same thing for you. Just continue to move forward. Take each step, even if it is a little bit at a time.
xoxo
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