Preparing To Leave You In Iowa

This time of year (especially with me leaving Iowa in just ten days) has my memories and my heart on overdrive. It was two years ago that you were conceived...a night that was awful, scary and one that I don't even remember. But amidst the darkness that overwhelmed that night, there was you; my little spark of hope. I know it might be hard for some people to understand, but I know God was there that night. If He wasn't, you wouldn't have been a part of it. I have also come to believe that it was God who was, in a way, protecting me by being sure I didn't remember what happened that night. I have glimpses of memories, but nothing concrete and I believe that is God's protective hand taking care of me.

Now fast forward a year from that time and you are here, living in happiness with your new mommy and daddy. And we are anxiously awaiting the court hearing that would terminate your biological father's parental rights. That was September 3, 2014. What a fantastic day that was for all of us...your bio father was not in the picture but he was so unpredictable that we didn't know what to expect from him. We didn't know if he'd try to show up to court that day and fight for you, or if he would continue his spree of not being involved and let the judge sign over his rights. Thankfully, he did not show and your parents could continue with the adoption process.

I was sharing these thoughts with my mom yesterday and it's just crazy that these certain dates or times of year can stir up all of the emotions again. Some of the memories are hard to think back on, but some of them are amazing and happy. Someday we will talk more in depth about all of these things because they are a part of your story. Everyone has a story, yours is already full of tales, decisions, victories and a story that is an incredible example of love. You are so surrounded by love and in turn, you are a beacon of love for us.

As I head out of the state of Iowa, I am going to stop by your house to see you one last time before I move. I'm so excited and look forward to you meeting my dad, Christian. He's driving to Ohio with me and hasn't had a chance to meet you yet since he lives in Arizona. So that will be a fun visit for all of us! I'm trying to prepare myself for how it will feel to give you that final hug and kiss goodbye. But I know that I'll be back in Iowa in November and December, so we will be sure to schedule visits and get to celebrate the holidays together. If I can focus on that, and not the sadness of leaving, I think I'll be OK.

xoxo

Birth Mother's Loss

"Neither society nor the adopter who holds the child in her arms wants to confront the agony of the mother from whose arms the same child was taken." -Margaret McDonald Lawrence

I have a love/hate relationship with that quote. I love it because it helps me remember that when I tell people that I placed my daughter in an adoption, their awkward and poorly formulated responses are normal. Because who really knows how to respond to that? No one. But I hate it because I don't want Charlie's new mom to ever feel like I feel like my child was "taken" from me. She didn't take anything from me. I placed my child in her arms. So if I could have a chat with Ms Lawrence, I'd ask her to simply rephrase that last little bit of her beautiful quote. 

I have worked really hard to remain strong and positive over the last 13 months. Up until this point, I thought it'd be best if Charlie only knew me as happy and proud of my decision. But recently, after being familiarized with a term that I hadn't heard yet, I'm realizing that I have it; birth mothers loss.  

And side note to Charlie: It is my sincere intent to always be open, honest and up front with you about everything. You deserve that, and even if I tell you I need more time to give you certain answers, know that they will be known to you eventually.

So now that I'm aware of it, I've realized that it is something I'm experiencing. Not only that, but I think it's important for my daughter to know that I have been grieving and will continue to grieve the loss of being her mother. I wanted and still want to badly to be the one raising you...but I know that it would have been selfish of me to keep you because I can't give you everything you deserve. But despite me knowing that what I did was the absolute right thing...I still have pain. 

The pain can vary depending on the day, honestly. On the days leading up to a visit with you, it seems to lessen because I can look forward to getting to see you! But then the minute we get back in the car to leave, it hits me again. And on special occasions, the pain is bad...I want to experience everything with you. I want to see your awe at the Christmas tree. I want to see you shove your hand into that piece of cake and stuff it in your mouth. But here's what I want more...I want you to be with a mother and a father who love each other and have jobs stable enough to support you and all of the things you'll want to do. I want you to know just how loved you are by all of my family and your new family. And I want you to know that my choice to place you with another family was the hardest and probably will be thee hardest thing I've ever done. And I miss you. Every day. I think about you all the time. I cry for you. But I smile for you, too. It's so far beyond complicated, but I'm trying my best to explain.

So yes, as a birth mother, I do grieve the loss of my daughter. And I'm thankful that this is normal. That I'm not the first or the last to experience this. I hope that someone who is dealing with this will read this and know they're not alone.

My fear is that my daughter will feel bad for me...but I don't want her to. I want her to know that despite this pain, I am overjoyed by her life. And to also know that I'm not the only mom in this adoption who has felt loss or pain. Your adoptive mom has lost multiple children, which is why she is aware and sensitive to what I'm feeling. She is exceptional at being supportive of me. Before we left the hospital with you, her and I shared a private moment in my room and she prayed for us and for you. Her prayer was so special to me, I don't think she'll ever know how much that helped me get thru the events of handing you over to her. 

But just know that while this whole thing isn't normal, it's good. And right. And healthy. We will all be great throughout this whole thing. 

xoxo

Bethany Christian Services

Today I had a great time eating lunch and catching up with one of the advocates/social workers who helped me create my adoption plan for Charlie. She is so awesome, not only for helping me while I was pregnant and in need of guidance, but for being interested in how I am doing after all is said and done. She truly cares about all of the parties involved with the adoption process. Her name is Marlene and if you ever get to meet this beautiful hippy woman, your life will surely be blessed and enriched. She is passionate about what she does and has been helping to create amazing families for 25+ years.

She works at an organization called Bethany Christian Services. I personally worked through the Des Moines branch, but they have offices all over the country. When I found their website, this is what I read...


Who we are: 

Bethany Christian Services is a global nonprofit family preservation and child welfare organization caring for orphans and vulnerable children on five continents. Bethany is recognized as a prominent leader in social services worldwide. Founded in 1944, our mission calls us to demonstrate the love and compassion of Jesus Christ by protecting and enhancing the lives of children and families around the world.

Bethany Christian Service is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

What we do:

Bethany is about kids in families. We serve children of all ages as we strive toward a world where every child has a loving family. Our services include family support and preservation, adoption, foster care, pregnancy counseling, training, refugee services, sponsorship, and infertility ministry. We are called to demonstrate the compassion of Jesus Christ to vulnerable children and families around the world.

What most pulled me to them was that they speak about how important the child is in all of this. They want to serve children and that is exactly what I wanted to do for my child, as well. I was also touched that they operate with such a strong conviction in their faith and want to do what Christ calls us to do. I want nothing more than for my daughter to know the love of Jesus Christ.

When you decide to make an adoption plan for your child, it is nothing short of difficult, complicated and odd. I never knew I would ever need to do this, but now that I have been through it, I hope that every adoption plan is made with as much love and care as mine was. Every decision and step I took towards placing Charlie for adoption, I was first and foremost concerned with her well being. It was fantastic that Bethany was also supportive of this priority. 

At the Des Moines branch of BCS, they use a "model" for adoption that I am so in love with and support 100%. Not every adoption agency supports or work the way they are, but I hope that in time they will adopt (no pun intended) this model. While you are pregnant, it is important to know that you are only condsidering adoption, you are only considering parents, etc. They do this for the best interest of both the birth parents and the potential adoptive parents. If I were to agree to adoption and choose parents, then have the baby and change my mind, there would be some serious heart break involved for those parents. Not only this, but if I had already told them I was choosing them and then changed my mind, I might feel coerced into doing the adoption because I didn't want to hurt them. These sort of things should just never be a factor while you are deciding the fate of a child. 

While I was pregnant, I knew intellectually that adoption was the right thing to do for Charlie, so it was difficult to not just agree to the whole thing and tell these parents I had been meeting with that I choose them. But now I understand completely why they did not want me to agree to anything before she was born. When you hold your child for the first time, and all moms will agree with me, you instantly become protective and incredibly attached to that baby. (Typing that last sentence was tricky because there are no words to describe what that feeling is, you just have to experience it to understand.) So holding your child and then making the decision to actually follow through with the adoption was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. Probably will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. When I was holding her, it was like my mind knew what the right thing was, but my heart wasn't agreeing. I never wanted to let her go. 

While we were at the hospital, the parents I had been meeting with came to visit me and got to meet and see Charlie for the first time. First they came in to see me and they even brought me gifts! They are so thoughtful and kind. The mom was so concerned with how I was doing, she immediately grabbed me in for a hug and just cried. She was so happy I was OK and that everything went well. (She was already exhibiting some serious mommy traits lol) When they decided that they wanted to meet Charlie, my mom went down to the nursery and introduced them to her. They came back to my room with her and we shared some time with baby Charlie. 

I have to be honest when I say that seeing them hold her for the first time was heart breaking for some reason. My instincts were jumping out of my skin, telling me to go get her and take her back. She was my baby, my daughter. Looking back, I wonder if it all was happening too soon....but I was able to remain calm and keep my composure. I'm sure the fact that I couldn't move after the surgery and all of the drugs I was on helped with this, but I'd like to think my mind helped me stay strong, too. 

They came to visit me every day that weekend while I recovered. They would only come by for a couple hours at a time which was exactly what I needed. Before I went into the hospital to have Charlie, we did make a plan with them to help sort of guide how the weekend would go. They stayed at a hotel near the hospital and brought some friends of theirs along to help kill time and help them stay emotionally and mentally stable. BCS was awesome in helping us decide how that would go. They knew that I would need my alone time with my daughter and that my emotions would be running on overdrive with all that was going on. I am so thankful they helped us to do a smooth transition from birth, to interim care, to adoption. 

Right now, Charlie is still technically in what they call interim care. I signed the papers that terminate my parental rights three weeks after she was born. The laws in Iowa make it so that the birth mom cannot sign those documents until three days after the child's birth. This is because they want to make sure the mom knows exactly what she is doing and doesn't do anything while under the stress and craziness that is giving birth. I thought, before I gave birth, that I would be able to do that for sure after three days. Boy was I wrong. What I loved about BCS is that they told me a million times that I could sign those papers whenever I felt like I was ready. Turns out I wasn't ready until three weeks later. I just needed time for my heart to catch back up with my head. I needed them to agree that what I was doing was the right thing. 

So now, the parents I chose for her are taking care of her and the adoption should take roughly six months to be finalized. It's such a long process, but well worth it for this beautiful child. It was so fun to get to talk to her parents after I signed the documents because they were finally able to start talking about her as if she were their daughter. Hearing her mom say how much she loved her for the first time melted my heart. I no longer feel anger or hurt when I see them with her. I feel an abundance of love and joy! It is so exciting and helps me to know that I did the right thing. I have no regrets about the choices I have made thus far. 

Bethany Christian Services has continued to be in contact with myself and Charlie's parents throughout this entire process. They are truly fantastic! I feel like there is not enough space on the internet to talk about how much I love them. If you are looking for a wonderful support system or just answers to any questions you may have on adoption or unplanned pregnancies, I would always support talking to the people at Bethany Christian Services. 

Here's a link to their website: www.bethany.org

And just in case you forgot how adorable Charlie is...

xoxo

A Very Happy Opportunity

Shortly after posting this blog, my friend Tim Overlin reached out to me and asked me to come do a short interview on a podcast he does for Life Right Now. It's a great organization that is working to promote life, so how could I say no? :) I was so honored to be offered a chance to verbalize my thoughts and emotions when it comes to this issue and my own personal story.

Though listening to myself talk is horrifying, I want this to be shared and I hope that if you or anyone you know is going through something like this alone, you will find peace in knowing that there is help and people available to walk with you through this.

Feel free to also check out their website for more information! Here's the link:

http://liferightnow.net/2014/08/06/life-right-now-podcast-8-2-14/

xoxo

Time for a Visit!

One of the things that goes along with an open adoption is the opportunity to go and visit with your child. This particular aspect is what made the hardest choice I've ever had to make, just a little bit easier. The moment Charlie arrived, I loved her more than anything or anyone on this planet. I can't imagine a world where she doesn't exist, nor can I imagine a world where I don't get to see her and tell her how much I love her. This is the true beauty of open adoption.

I want to shed some light on what visits are like and what sort of emotions come along with them. Every open adoption is different; some being open to the point of letting the birth mom take care of the child for a weekend while the parents get some time to themselves, and some are more closed and are limited to just sending email updates and pictures every year. It really depends on the people involved, honestly. 

I would say that mine is somewhere in between these two extremes and so far it is working for us. The plan I made with the adoptive parents was that I would come visit every week for two hours at a time while I am on maternity leave. After that, we will move to monthly visits. Right now the adoptive mom also sends me three pictures every day of Della and gives me little updates. We also text and keep up with how each other are doing. The most important part of having a successful open adoption is building a healthy and strong relationship with each other. 

The first week after Charlie was born, the photos that her mom sent me were vital to my mental state. I was in such agony without her with me, but being able to see her and know that she was OK made it just a little bit better. The first time we went to visit her, my parents came with me and we just took turns holding her and chatting about how my recovery was going. (I had a cesarean and was still in some pain) Leaving that day was really hard...I never want my visits with her to end. I feel like the time goes so quickly. As we were driving home, my heart felt a mixture of emotions...I was so sad to be leaving her again but I also felt so happy with my decision. I knew I was doing the right thing and I loved seeing Charlie with her new parents. Somehow the happiness I felt was starting to outweigh the pain I was feeling. 

Over the next few weeks, I loved getting to see her grow! Holy smokes, you parents weren't kidding when you say, "They grow up so fast." It's insane...my perfect little peanut is quickly become a perfect little nugget. I love it but I dread it all at the same time. 

Today's visit was great. I went by myself this time, which was nice because I didn't have to share her with my mom. (My mom is a Charlie hoarder, always wanting more time to hold her) We had lunch, we cuddled and I even got to change what they call a "blow out" diaper. What shocked me the most is that I wasn't once grossed out by it. I was more than happy to change her and to know that her digestive system is working correctly. Plus she is just so cute. 

We got in some nice cuddles today and she slept pretty soundly after she got her diaper changed. It was lovely...I wish I could just hold her all the time. She threw me for a loop though because she was able to move her head around all by herself! I was not ready for that. She is getting so strong! She is also able to get a good grip on whatever she wants. She pulled on my shirt a lot while we were cuddling...it was so sweet. 

As I drove home, I felt just a twinge of sadness because I hate leaving her, but like I said earlier, the joy and happiness I feel for her and her parents is overwhelming the sadness I feel. I am so happy with how our open adoption story is being written. Charlie is so surrounded by love and amazing people; for that I am grateful. I love my time with her, I love telling her how beautiful and amazing she is and I love seeing her sweet eyes sparkle up at me. 

xoxo

Fond Memories

I want to take time to acknowledge the people who have been relentless with their support, grace and love towards me throughout this experience. It's crazy how the people you love the most are the hardest people to share, what you believe to be, horrible news with. What is more crazy is how those people are the ones who love you through the hardest chapter in your life's story book. My family are those people, the ones who I love so much. I must be the luckiest person to have been given these wonderful people to be in my life. (This is something my mom and I like to call 'God's Favor.') 

My beautiful mother with Baby Charlie

My mom is some fantastic mix of love, beauty, kindness, compassion, happiness, resilience and grace. She is a fantastic example of what it means to be God's light to others and I am blessed to call her my own mother. Telling my mom that I was pregnant was one of the hardest parts of this entire journey. I was silly to think that she would love me any less. Not only did I feel her love grow for me over the last year, but she became my partner. She was there for me the entire way through; doctor visits, telling me what is normal in a pregnancy, helping me when the pregnancy got painful, telling me that I was beautiful, holding my hand every time I broke down and just loving me more than I will ever deserve. 

She was with me in the delivery room and those moments of joy were so amazing to share with her. I couldn't ask for a better soul to help guide me through this journey. She has helped me discover just how much love I deserve and so much about the person I want to be. She is my best friend. 

Mom, I will love you forever and I can't wait for Charlie to know just how much you loved her from the moment you knew she was coming. I know it is so hard for you to watch your grandchild from afar, but we both know that she is surrounded by so much love, both from our family and from her new family. We will be able to share so much joy and laughter watching her grow and going to visit her! 

My super awesome dad with Baby Charlie

My dad is one of those people who knows exactly what to say at the exact right time. He has been such an encouragement to me throughout this process and has brought a calming and peaceful surrounding for not just myself, but for our entire family. I can't remember how many times I heard him say that he will walk with me through this. Hearing this from him always calmed my heart; it was easy to feel alone in this and knowing that I wasn't is something that I am beyond thankful for. 

I started seeing a therapist when I found out that I was pregnant and he was kind enough to go with me every time. A lot of the time we were meeting with her, I had a hard time being able to verbalize what I was feeling or thinking and because he knows me so well, he was able to help me get across my thoughts. 

Something unique about my relationship with my dad is that he's not my biological dad, he's my step dad. He married my mom when I was about 5 years old and has treated me as if I were his own daughter ever since. He is such a fantastic example of what unconditional love looks like. Because he is able to love me as his own, I know that it is possible for the parents I've chosen for Charlie to love her as their own. 

As I was preparing this blog, I wanted to verify with all of my family that it was OK to share their photos for anyone to see. When I asked him if it was OK with him, he quickly said that he had no problem with that and he is as comfortable with it as I am. I'm so blessed to have support like that. I know that he truly will stand by me through every choice I make with my life. 

I love you, Dad!

My handsome little brother with Baby Charlie and I

Now, when it comes to my brother, it's hard for me to find words that express just how much I love him. We have been close since we our childhood and our relationship has been so fantastic as we've grown into our twenties. He was the first person I called when I found out that I was pregnant. I just needed to talk to someone and he was that person for me. He was never once judgmental of me and was so reassuring of me that this would turn out OK. He would never leave me to deal with this alone. 

When my brother comes home from school, we always go see a movie together. So when he was home for fall break, we went to some movie that I can't even remember. What I remember is our drive home from the theater. We were talking about this child and what I was going to do and I just broke down. When I was pregnant, I tried so hard to keep everything inside and pretend like I had it all under control...but when I'm with my brother, I can allow myself to be vulnerable and everything just spilled out. We sat in our car for what seems like forever and he just cried with me while I sobbed in his arms. He allowed me to let out all of the emotions I had been holding in since I found out I was pregnant. 

One of the greatest traits my brother has is his gift of humor. He knows just what to say to make our whole family laugh. It was such a nice relief in my life when he would come home and just smile and tell his silly one liner jokes. I especially was thankful for him when he came to see me in the hospital after having Charlie. I didn't know how he would react to seeing his first niece....but seeing him hold her was such a delight. He was so protective and loving towards her, it was beautiful.

Andre, you are such a vital part of my life. I know that you will be able to share your love and laughter with Charlie as she grows up and I'm beyond thankful that she will get to know you. You change lives even when you aren't trying to. I love you so much!!

My dashing and awesome dad and I

There is one more person who has been amazing for me throughout this time of my life. My dad, Christian. It's unfortunate that we are separated by many miles and multiple states....he hasn't yet gotten a chance to meet this beautiful little baby. 

It was hard to have my dad so far away from me the whole time I was pregnant. Many times I just wanted to have him there to hug and call me "his baby." He's a very protective father and was so kind when I told him about the baby. He knew that this would be something incredibly hard for me to go through, but he told me that none of this changes how much he loves me. 

I got to see my dad once before I gave birth to Charlie and though our time together was short, it was so good to be able to see him and just have time together. We talked about what I was choosing to do and he actually shared with me that my grandmother, his mom, gave her first born daughter up for adoption when she was in high school. She didn't see her daughter until she was on her death bed. 

I can't even imagine how empty my grandmother must have felt all of those years, not knowing where her child was or if she was OK. I am thankful, however, that they were able to have some closure before she passed. I'm also thankful that my adoption doesn't have to be like that. I will get to have a relationship with my child and she will know how much I love her every day of her life. 

Dad, I can't wait to see you again soon and I am so excited for you to meet Charlie!! She is the best and I know you will just love her. 

--------------------

xoxo

Feeling Overwhelmed

I have had this blog posted and public for less than 24 hours and it has been viewed over 900 times. This is unbelievable to me. When I decided to start writing my story in order to share it with the world, I wasn't quite prepared for the overwhelming support and kindness I would receive. I was so afraid of what people would think, I had almost forgotten that I am surrounded with the most loving, kind and amazing people. So to those of you who have shared your positive and kind words with me, thank you so much. You will never know how much it means to me. Actually, you will never know how much it means to my family and I.

I truly hope that if there is someone reading this and they are going through the same thing, you will know that you are not alone. You are NEVER alone. There are amazing people in this world and they will love you and support you through this.

xoxo

The Moments We Share

I have to send a huge thank you and lots of love to Chelsea Underwood (Chelsea Photographie) for being a part of my story and for capturing these moments. Chelsea is one of the few people with whom I shared my story and she had nothing but love and kindness to extend to me. I am so happy you were there to photograph me (and make me feel beautiful somehow) when I was just weeks away from having this beautiful girl. Thank you for coming to the hospital to see her and I and taking the most amazing pictures of her! I can't wait to share them with her one day! LOVE YOU!

Capturing Our Time Together

Thank you to Chelsea Underwood (Chelsea Photographie) for capturing these photos for me! I was 37 weeks pregnant in these and I have never felt more humongous. Somehow, Chelsea made me feel beautiful! Looking back, I think it is amazing to know that the person I love most in this world was right inside of me. Creating life will forever be one of my favorite times in life.

How Love Goes

I have been debating how and when to go about sharing this part of my life with the people I care about for quite some time. I figure there will never be a "good" time to do this, so here goes.

If you are reading this, I hope that you do so with an open heart and with support for not only myself but also for my family. My sharing this is something that has been on my heart and I've talked with my family about the pro's and con's, but I feel it is important that my store is out there. I hope that what I have done and what I went through will be able to help and encourage someone else who may find themselves in my situation.

There's no easy way to start this, so I am just going to go for it...

In September of 2014, I decided to go out with a guy I had just met. We went out to a bar and spent a couple of hours there together. I made the mistake of deciding to go over to his home that night, but once I got there, I suddenly did not feel right. I started blacking out and getting sick and much of the night is not clear in my mind. I woke up the next day still feeling sick, confused and mostly scared. I left and tried to forget about what happened.

One month later, right before my 25th birthday, I found out that I was pregnant. I was more scared and shocked than I can even put into words. I had no idea how I would tell my parents, let alone how they would react. I felt like I must be the biggest idiot for getting myself into this situation. I am only 25, I'm very single and I barely make enough money to support myself.

I worked up enough courage to tell my mom one day in her office at school. I use the word courage cautiously because it wasn't all that spurred me into her office that day. I was also so worried and scared of carrying this information all on my own. I needed someone to help me. My mom has been my best friend for my entire life. The only part of courage that I feel is noteworthy was the fact that I knew I could be risking ruining our relationship forever by sharing this with her.

Her shock was evident as I broke down, barely getting the words out through my sobs. I couldn't even look at her because I didn't want to see her disappointment. I just sat in her spare chair and cried. Later, she would tell me that she just felt numb; there was no emotion, just blankness.

After the initial shock hit our family and we started to comprehend the reality of our situation, I knew that I had some decisions to make. I just didn't know if my parents would be willing to support me through this or not. I was in a weird place; being 25 and able to make my own decisions, but also feeling so young. I didn't know if I was capable of making a decision like this on my own.

I was extremely lucky when both of my parents sat me down and told me that they would support me with my choices and that they would open their home to me so I could be surrounded by this support while I carried this child. At this point, I had ruled out abortion. I will be honest and admit that it crossed my mind when I first found out. It'd be a quick fix, just make it go away. But when I really internalized what that meant, I couldn't do it. I had a life inside of me and I felt such a desire to protect it. So that is what I planned to do.

After gaining the support of my family, I decided it would be best to make an adoption plan for my child. I knew that I was not in a place in my life where I could raise a child, nor did I have the husband/father figure that I believe is vital for a child's upbringing. I contacted a local adoption agency in Des Moines called Bethany Christian Services and met with an advocate for birth moms a few months into my pregnancy.

I was able to look through books of families who were waiting for a child. It was bizarre to read through these amazing family's books but still decide against meeting them. I felt bad putting them into my "no" pile, but I was waiting for a family book that I felt connected to. I found one couple that I was interested in. They reminded me of my own parents and I asked to set up a time to meet them.

We scheduled our first meeting in the middle of February. At this point, I had found out that I was expecting a little girl! I was so excited and so in love with her already. I was also starting to feel the magnitude of what was happening. I was making a child and I was about to try and find a set of parents to raise her. It was surreal, heartbreaking and exciting all at the same time.

The first meeting went well...it was emotional for both sides. My parents came with me and I am so thankful they did. I didn't know how to even start talking about what was going on. I needed strength from them to help get me through all of this. After that first meeting, I felt complete peace in my heart that I had found the two people who would raise my baby girl. I loved them. They were genuine, loving, smart and incredible people. All characteristics I hope my child will possess one day.

We met a handful of times again before I gave birth. My little girl was breech, so I had a scheduled cesarean on June 27, 2014. The night before I went in, I slept in my mom's bed. I woke up several times that night and just cried. I felt so sad that my time with her all to myself was about to end. I was going to have to share her with everyone else. It's crazy how when you're going through the pregnancy, the end seems so far away, but once you get to the end, you feel like it flew by. I couldn't believe how far we had come since that night in September.

My mom and I got ready that morning and headed to the hospital around 10 am. My surgery was scheduled for noon, but we didn't end up going in until about 2 pm. My daughter, Charlie Yvette Paulson, was born at 2:37 pm that day. It was amazing. I couldn't stop smiling once I saw her! She was perfect!! My mom was in the room with me and it was amazing to share that experience with her. Charlie was born so perfect and healthy; 7.63 pounds and 19 inches long. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

To this day I still have a hard time comprehending the idea that she came out of my stomach. How is that possible??

Our time at the hospital was amazing. We cuddled, laughed, cried and just enjoyed her first moments of life together. Her adoptive parents came to visit each day and it was great to get to see their reactions when they first got to see her and hold her. It was both heart warming and heart breaking. I knew intellectually that what I was doing was the right thing, but my heart took longer to catch up. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone on this earth. It's incredible....I don't think the word love is enough. It's more than love. I would do anything for her.

Part of being a parent is providing your child with everything they need. I knew that I wasn't able to do that on my own, and so I provided her with parents who could. The greatest part of this story is that adoption doesn't mean I say goodbye forever. We have an open adoption which means I get to see her and she will know who I am. Some day I will share all of this story with her...but for now, I just plan on loving her and her new parents unconditionally.

I get to go see her every week right now and she just had her 1 month birthday! It's crazy how much she's grown and how sweet she is. I love holding her and just looking into her eyes. She's full of life and wonder and love.

As you can imagine, this has been a hard story to write and I'm sure it will be hard to share more about this story in the future. I hope that you will understand and support why I feel lead to share this with you.

I will plan to share more about her and our story in the future, but this is the beginning of what I would consider to be a wonderful story of love and life.