If you are reading this, I hope that you do so with an open heart and with support for not only myself but also for my family. My sharing this is something that has been on my heart and I've talked with my family about the pro's and con's, but I feel it is important that my store is out there. I hope that what I have done and what I went through will be able to help and encourage someone else who may find themselves in my situation.
There's no easy way to start this, so I am just going to go for it...
In September of 2014, I decided to go out with a guy I had just met. We went out to a bar and spent a couple of hours there together. I made the mistake of deciding to go over to his home that night, but once I got there, I suddenly did not feel right. I started blacking out and getting sick and much of the night is not clear in my mind. I woke up the next day still feeling sick, confused and mostly scared. I left and tried to forget about what happened.
One month later, right before my 25th birthday, I found out that I was pregnant. I was more scared and shocked than I can even put into words. I had no idea how I would tell my parents, let alone how they would react. I felt like I must be the biggest idiot for getting myself into this situation. I am only 25, I'm very single and I barely make enough money to support myself.
I worked up enough courage to tell my mom one day in her office at school. I use the word courage cautiously because it wasn't all that spurred me into her office that day. I was also so worried and scared of carrying this information all on my own. I needed someone to help me. My mom has been my best friend for my entire life. The only part of courage that I feel is noteworthy was the fact that I knew I could be risking ruining our relationship forever by sharing this with her.
Her shock was evident as I broke down, barely getting the words out through my sobs. I couldn't even look at her because I didn't want to see her disappointment. I just sat in her spare chair and cried. Later, she would tell me that she just felt numb; there was no emotion, just blankness.
After the initial shock hit our family and we started to comprehend the reality of our situation, I knew that I had some decisions to make. I just didn't know if my parents would be willing to support me through this or not. I was in a weird place; being 25 and able to make my own decisions, but also feeling so young. I didn't know if I was capable of making a decision like this on my own.
I was extremely lucky when both of my parents sat me down and told me that they would support me with my choices and that they would open their home to me so I could be surrounded by this support while I carried this child. At this point, I had ruled out abortion. I will be honest and admit that it crossed my mind when I first found out. It'd be a quick fix, just make it go away. But when I really internalized what that meant, I couldn't do it. I had a life inside of me and I felt such a desire to protect it. So that is what I planned to do.
After gaining the support of my family, I decided it would be best to make an adoption plan for my child. I knew that I was not in a place in my life where I could raise a child, nor did I have the husband/father figure that I believe is vital for a child's upbringing. I contacted a local adoption agency in Des Moines called Bethany Christian Services and met with an advocate for birth moms a few months into my pregnancy.
I was able to look through books of families who were waiting for a child. It was bizarre to read through these amazing family's books but still decide against meeting them. I felt bad putting them into my "no" pile, but I was waiting for a family book that I felt connected to. I found one couple that I was interested in. They reminded me of my own parents and I asked to set up a time to meet them.
We scheduled our first meeting in the middle of February. At this point, I had found out that I was expecting a little girl! I was so excited and so in love with her already. I was also starting to feel the magnitude of what was happening. I was making a child and I was about to try and find a set of parents to raise her. It was surreal, heartbreaking and exciting all at the same time.
The first meeting went well...it was emotional for both sides. My parents came with me and I am so thankful they did. I didn't know how to even start talking about what was going on. I needed strength from them to help get me through all of this. After that first meeting, I felt complete peace in my heart that I had found the two people who would raise my baby girl. I loved them. They were genuine, loving, smart and incredible people. All characteristics I hope my child will possess one day.
We met a handful of times again before I gave birth. My little girl was breech, so I had a scheduled cesarean on June 27, 2014. The night before I went in, I slept in my mom's bed. I woke up several times that night and just cried. I felt so sad that my time with her all to myself was about to end. I was going to have to share her with everyone else. It's crazy how when you're going through the pregnancy, the end seems so far away, but once you get to the end, you feel like it flew by. I couldn't believe how far we had come since that night in September.
My mom and I got ready that morning and headed to the hospital around 10 am. My surgery was scheduled for noon, but we didn't end up going in until about 2 pm. My daughter, Charlie Yvette Paulson, was born at 2:37 pm that day. It was amazing. I couldn't stop smiling once I saw her! She was perfect!! My mom was in the room with me and it was amazing to share that experience with her. Charlie was born so perfect and healthy; 7.63 pounds and 19 inches long. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.
To this day I still have a hard time comprehending the idea that she came out of my stomach. How is that possible??
Our time at the hospital was amazing. We cuddled, laughed, cried and just enjoyed her first moments of life together. Her adoptive parents came to visit each day and it was great to get to see their reactions when they first got to see her and hold her. It was both heart warming and heart breaking. I knew intellectually that what I was doing was the right thing, but my heart took longer to catch up. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone on this earth. It's incredible....I don't think the word love is enough. It's more than love. I would do anything for her.
Part of being a parent is providing your child with everything they need. I knew that I wasn't able to do that on my own, and so I provided her with parents who could. The greatest part of this story is that adoption doesn't mean I say goodbye forever. We have an open adoption which means I get to see her and she will know who I am. Some day I will share all of this story with her...but for now, I just plan on loving her and her new parents unconditionally.
I get to go see her every week right now and she just had her 1 month birthday! It's crazy how much she's grown and how sweet she is. I love holding her and just looking into her eyes. She's full of life and wonder and love.
As you can imagine, this has been a hard story to write and I'm sure it will be hard to share more about this story in the future. I hope that you will understand and support why I feel lead to share this with you.
I will plan to share more about her and our story in the future, but this is the beginning of what I would consider to be a wonderful story of love and life.
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