Happy Birthmom's Day To Me!!

What does it mean to be a mom? What does it mean to be a birth mom? These are questions and identities that I have struggled with over the last 10+ months and while I still probably don't have the correct or perfect answer, I can tell you what it means to me.

First of all, the only reason we feel compelled to place labels like mom or birth mom on people in a situation involving adoption is purely to help other people, and most importantly the child, identify correctly with each person. I find value in this mainly for my daughter because I want her to call her adoptive mom, Mom. Nothing more and nothing less. Just Mom. I am also her mom, but I play a different type of mom role. I gave her life and made the first, most important decision of her life for her. While legally I signed my rights over to her new parents, I still feel such a strong tie to her and I will never stop feeling like her mom. I just have to take a back seat from now on and let her new mommy make all of the other big decisions for awhile.

Being a mom and being a birth mom are synonymous in my situation, but for the sake of everyone, I will happily accept the label of birth mom. Because not everyone gets to be a birth mom. I feel beyond lucky and so blessed that I was given the opportunity to carry Charlie and give her life. God has truly been good to me. :)

So the other neat thing about being Charlie's birth mom is that I get to celebrate today, a day ahead of Mother's Day! I get a whole day just to relish in the fact that I have a beautiful, goofy, smiley, brave and gap-toothed child in my life who I can still hold, laugh with, enjoy and love. I may not get to spend this time with you, but I will be thinking of you a lot today, baby girl.

In my particular adoption story, I feel joy for Charlie's new mommy and the fact that she will be celebrating her first Mother's Day tomorrow. In the last couple of years, Mother's Day had been a reminder to her that she had lost her two babies long before she could ever hold them. I can't imagine what it would feel like to completely lose a piece of your heart like that. So now that she has Charlie to love and cherish, she will be able to embrace the entire day because she is a MOM! It's also pretty exciting because Charlie will be getting dedicated tomorrow at church. One more reason I so love her parents...they promised me to raise her in a home filled with Christ's love. This was probably the most important thing to me when deciding who should raise my baby. So far, they are nailing it on the head!

As a child, you always plan a big surprise or wonder what gift to give your mommy on this special day that recognizes her. It feels so funny to me now because, as a mom, I don't want anything else. I already have the best gift I have ever received. No other gift compares. So I say to my own mother, now I understand that you really meant it when you said we didn't need to get you anything, you just wanted to spend time with us. I can't believe I can understand the love you have for me, finally. That is some serious stuff! When I know how much I love Charlie...to think that someone in this world loves me that much, too? It is enough to make my heart grow three times. :)

So to all the mommies, birth moms, adoptive moms, surrogate mothers, and everyone in between, Happy Mothers Day. You deserve it. Enjoy this time! But remember, every day of your life will forever be another day of blessing with the sweet child you have in your life.

 xoxo

Change Happens

So, I just realized I haven't posted on here for almost two months! And a lot has happened in those two months....things change all the time and this is a lesson I am learning to accept. Even when we aren't ready for change, or as much as we may fight to avoid change, it is inevitable.

Charlie-one day you will start to learn how valuable this lesson in life is. But I know that you will have a strong and resilient heart, which will help you adapt to what this beautiful life will throw at you. My parents have always said if I am anything, I am resilient. I used to not really care about this trait, but as I've grown older, it is something I cling to. My life has not gone the way I ever imagined it would, but you never know your own strength until you are required to be strong. That is something I know for sure.

My sweet girl is almost 10 months old!! You have four little baby teeth and your top two teeth have a little gap between them. It's adorable and you might also fancy to know that my mother was gap-toothed growing up. Her dad fixed it by wrapping a rubber band around them every night until the gap was closed. And to this day, she still has the most beautiful, straight teeth I've ever seen.You are also on the brink of walking...you never even figured out crawling, you just went for the gold and started stomping around.

In my life, I've experienced a few exciting things and a few hard things recently. I met a guy shortly after you were born and he was amazing. He knew about you and would let me cry when I missed you, looked at every picture I loved and took an interest in you and how you were doing. He was also very kind...he treated me well and was never disrespectful. We laughed a lot and he let me be myself, which made being with him so easy. I even fell in love with him. We dated for several months and it was great. But then when we started talking about a more serious future, I had to make a decision about what I wanted for my future and I ended up breaking up with him. We didn't agree on our faith and that is something I value highly. (Charlie, one of the reasons I chose your parents was their strong faith. I wanted that for you and I hope you love being surrounded by God's love all the time in your home as you grow. I had that, and I wouldn't change a thing.) It was really difficult to leave him because there was real love there, but it just wasn't right. I hope to remain friends with him because I cherish his laugh, humor, kind heart and the way he allowed me to grow into the person I am today.

So for now, I'm happy to focus on me. I know what I want and I hope that I can set an example for you...that it is never going to work if you give up something that is meaningful to you. Never sacrifice who you are for a "what if" situation, it's not fair to either of you. I know that God has a very special person already chosen for me and even for you! We just need to be patient and allow God to move in our lives. He'll take care of everything.

Anyway, we are coming to see you this Saturday!! I'm so excited!! This stretch between visits has been so hard, but also good for me. I have to get used to seeing you less as you grow. Once you turn one, we will probably start doing less frequent visits. This is for everyone's benefit. I have to learn to let go of parts of your life and your parents need to be able to just be your parents. I'll be like an aunt...a really, really cool aunt. :) It's a mixed bag, but you are at the center of every choice we make when it comes to this new and exciting adoption adventure. I hope you know how loved, cherished and special you are to me, sweet girl. Nothing will ever take your place in my heart.

Love you forever, xoxo

Happy 8 Month Birthday!!

So yesterday was your 8 month birthday, Charlie! Woah, time flies!! I was able to come visit you this last week and you have grown into such a strong, happy and smart little girl already. You took your first steps this last week but you do a lot better when you have someone helping you and holding your hands. You are super strong and have a grip that could break a finger...you just don't know your own strength yet! Oh, and you have two teeth that have cut through on your bottom gums! You're a lot bigger than most babies your age...your last doctors appointment verified that when they measured you at the size of a 13 month old. You're just going to be a tall pretty girl! :)

It's been so fun to see you every month as you've grown and very special to build a relationship with your parents as we have our little visits. They are truly some of the most remarkable people I have ever met. They are strong, devoted and more loving than most people you will encounter in this world. I love them so much and I am thankful they will be your example of love as you grow. You really seem to like them, too! At our last visit, we were playing on the floor together when your dad got home from work and you saw him and smiled so big! You were so happy to see him and it just melts my heart to see you loving your parents already.

As we continue to develop our adoption story, your mom and I are learning how to keep things healthy and normal for all of us, especially you. Your mom has been faithful in sending me at least one photo every day since you were born. That is incredible and it has helped me tremendously in my own healing process. But, by having her do that every day it felt like it sort of took away from her being able to fully focus on loving you and just being your mommy. Its also hard for me sometimes because I'll be living my every day life and then receive a picture of you, and its like my whole world stops because I want to relish that photo and just stare at it as long as I can. It's like I had to switch hats every day to feel like I was still giving you as much time and love as I need to. Your mom and I talked about it though, and we both agreed that it is healthy for both of us to just move to weekly photos. That way she can completely focus on you and I can have one awesome moment when I get those photos. I need to remember that even if I don't see a photo of you every day, it doesn't mean that you aren't on my mind and in my heart every day.

You know, I keep a photo of you right here on my desk at work, I have a picture of us together as my background on my computer and I have over 100 saved pictures on my phone of you! So I'm connected to you all the time and I can see you any time I want! :)

Well sweet baby girl, happy birthday! Can't wait to see you grow over the next month and see what other amazing things you will learn to do!! :)

xoxo

How Self Worth Happens

So this blog doesn't necessarily correlate directly to Charlie or the adoption, but I think it could be a valuable one for women who, like me, didn't/don't see themselves as worthy of genuine love. When I agreed to go out with the guy who became Charlie's birth dad, I just wanted him to like me. I didn't care what he liked about me, I just needed attention of some sort. And based on previous encounters I had with the opposite sex, I wasn't sure I was worth more than just my body. It's really hard for me to write this down but it's the truth.

I was reminded of this the other day when I ran into a guy who I had briefly dated the other day. He will forever be known as the guy who completely ruined my confidence and self worth for a solid chunk of time in my life. When I was dating him, it was all in secret...like he didn't want to be seen with me in public. And he wouldn't kiss me or anything, but he was willing to receive the physical attention I would give him. (Sorry mom and dad) When I finally asked him about this, he told me that he just wasn't attracted to me and that I was only really good for one thing. He didn't need him to elaborate on that "one thing" and I immediately left in tears. As I am reliving this, my heart breaks for the girl I used to be. I can't believe I allowed myself to be taken advantage of like that, let alone let someone else tell me I'm not attractive and believe it.

Needless to say, once I was in my car the other day after running into him, I immediately had to have a quick text convo with one of my closest friends who has been there for me through all of this. And though I didn't need to be told what an asshole he was, or to be reminded that I am beautiful, she was there with her quick wit and reassurance that I'm clearly better off now. It made me realize how far I've come from that young girl, crying in my car because I didn't think anyone could possibly love me. Today I can happily say that I am a beautiful person and I am beyond happy with my life and the choices I've made.

What inspired me to recant this tale is that I know there are countless other girls who fall into that same trap every day. I work with some of the most spectacular high school girls and it pains me to think that any of them could ever feel the way I felt about myself. It's so easy for us to believe lies and to even build them to bigger lies in our heads. It's not so easy to see the beauty that lies within all of us. I love being able to show and tell other people, boys and girls, what makes them so special and why they are completely worthy of love.

The biggest lesson I think in all of this comes from God. God has love for everyone, even if people sometimes don't feel worthy or love Him back. He's still got it. Regardless of what stupid mistakes I've made in my past, I know that I was only able to make the good choices, the hard choices, through His love and His example of what genuine love looks like. Sending your Son to die for us? I can't even imagine.

I also find strength through the people God has placed in my life. My mom and step-dad are the purest example of selfless, relentless, passionate and Christ-like love I have ever witnessed on this earth. They are incredible people to each other and to everyone they meet. Watching them work as husband and wife is something I will never be able to repay them for. The lessons they have taught my siblings and I about life and love are invaluable. Just the fact that my parents stood by me through my entire pregnancy and supported every decision I made is amazing. I know my mom and I were both looking for a way to take Charlie home with us from the hospital, but we knew it wasn't the best thing for her. They felt every heart break with me, but loved me through it.

It is these types of people who I receive my full cup of genuine love. In fact, my cup runneth over every day. Christ fills it, my family fills it, my friends fill it, I fill it and even Charlie fills it. I no longer need what that little girl crying in the car needs to feel worthy. Thank God for that.

Sometimes you just gotta brag about the human you made...

Six Months, Already?!

Well happy birthday, sweet child!! You are officially six months old today! What a whirlwind this time has been--so amazing, so filled with joy and blessings. I love you so much and that love grows just as quickly as you seem to!

We also just had Christmas...it was difficult not to be with you on your first Christmas, but I received pictures from your mom and you looked so adorable and happy! She finally put you in a tutu!! Those are my favorite!! While I missed being with you on one of my favorite holidays, I was reminded of what a blessing you are to so many.

There are so many connections between adoption and the story of Jesus...God had to send His Son to earth and let another man and woman raise Him. While God knew there was a bigger plan, I can only imagine that He felt similar to how I felt letting you leave with another mommy and daddy. It gives me some comfort that we have an awesome God who is with me and you as we continue on this journey! He was certainly aware of the plans He had for your life and I believe that he brought your parents and I together in order to give you the best life possible.

But back to your birthday!! Well, half birthday...I'm still celebrating because for babies, you get to enjoy each and every month. :) So much has happened in the last six months--you are a proud stander already! Last time we came to visit, you wanted to stand the whole time; it was so cute. You are also getting better at hand-eye coordination and you have found your feet, which you can easily bring up to your mouth.

Your adoption was finalized on December 11! That was such a big day for all of us. I was able to go into the court room and be with your family as everything was finalized. Your mom cried and your dad tried not to, but he's a softy when it comes to your mom. It was so beautiful and it just created such a peace in my heart. I know that they are the perfect parents for you and they love you so much--they've been praying for you for so long. I hope you never forget how much they love you and care for you.

I'm so excited because my mom and I will be coming to see you on Wednesday this week!! I can't wait to hold you and hear your sweet giggle!!

I love you, baby girl!

xoxo

Dear Charlie

Dear Charlie,

Today is a big day for you because today your adoption will be finalized. As your first mommy, I'm struggling with a mix of emotions going into this day. Though there is some sadness as I awoke this morning, I am more overjoyed and excited for you. I've been tossing and turning all week, knowing that this day was coming but as I've prayed and re-lived this last year of my life with you, I feel content. I know that you are also very content.

You don't know it yet, but you are such a happy, easy going and sweet baby. You smile often, grab fingers tightly, squeak and squeal in the most adorable way and your giggle lights up a room (and my heart.) Your new mommy and daddy give you lots of kisses and play silly games with you. Your daddy loves kissing you so much that he shaved his manly beard off just so your soft skin wouldn't get irritated! One time I was helping your new mommy change your diaper and she gave you kisses all over your face and then snorted and you laughed like it was the funniest thing you'd ever seen. Moments like that make my heart so happy!

So today, Uncle Andre' and I are going to drive over to see you and go to the court house with your new family! This is so exciting! It's also a bit nerve wracking because I haven't met any of them yet...but I feel like I know them already, because we all have been loving you this entire time. We are connected by you, sweet angel. You have brought all of us so much joy and you don't even know it yet.

After today, your name will no longer legally be Charlie Yvette Paulson. You know, when I was pregnant with you, I didn't know if I should choose a name for you...I didn't know if I could allow myself to bond like that with you, knowing that one day I would be placing your for adoption. However, I am so glad that I did. Choosing a name for you made me love you so much more and even though you only had that name for 5 1/2 months, it means something to me. I hope one day, you will find it special as well.

One good thing about your parents is that I LOVE the name they have chosen to give you for the rest of your life! I think it is absolutely beautiful and the meaning behind it is close to my heart, just as it is close to their hearts. They had several names they were thinking about, all of which had special meanings, but the one they ended up choosing was my favorite.

I can't wait to see you today, little girl! And I feel so blessed and honored to continue to be a part of your life. I look forward to seeing you grow, learn, love and spread joy to everyone you meet. You will always be in my heart, and a part of my heart will always be with you. God has truly blessed both of us. I want you to know that God is so good, faithful, merciful and loving. I don't know if I would be able to make all of the decisions I have without God behind me. You are from God and I know that you will be protected by Him for your entire life.

A sweet soul had to remind me of this, and I hope you remember this your entire life: Jesus was also adopted. Jesus was raised by two wonderful parents and He loved them so dearly. He also remained close to His Father, God. I'm starting to think that they had the first open adoption. I hope you know just how much you are loved by God, myself, your parents and all of the family that you are now a part of.

I love you forever and ever.

XOXO, Mom