Birth Mother's Loss

"Neither society nor the adopter who holds the child in her arms wants to confront the agony of the mother from whose arms the same child was taken." -Margaret McDonald Lawrence

I have a love/hate relationship with that quote. I love it because it helps me remember that when I tell people that I placed my daughter in an adoption, their awkward and poorly formulated responses are normal. Because who really knows how to respond to that? No one. But I hate it because I don't want Charlie's new mom to ever feel like I feel like my child was "taken" from me. She didn't take anything from me. I placed my child in her arms. So if I could have a chat with Ms Lawrence, I'd ask her to simply rephrase that last little bit of her beautiful quote. 

I have worked really hard to remain strong and positive over the last 13 months. Up until this point, I thought it'd be best if Charlie only knew me as happy and proud of my decision. But recently, after being familiarized with a term that I hadn't heard yet, I'm realizing that I have it; birth mothers loss.  

And side note to Charlie: It is my sincere intent to always be open, honest and up front with you about everything. You deserve that, and even if I tell you I need more time to give you certain answers, know that they will be known to you eventually.

So now that I'm aware of it, I've realized that it is something I'm experiencing. Not only that, but I think it's important for my daughter to know that I have been grieving and will continue to grieve the loss of being her mother. I wanted and still want to badly to be the one raising you...but I know that it would have been selfish of me to keep you because I can't give you everything you deserve. But despite me knowing that what I did was the absolute right thing...I still have pain. 

The pain can vary depending on the day, honestly. On the days leading up to a visit with you, it seems to lessen because I can look forward to getting to see you! But then the minute we get back in the car to leave, it hits me again. And on special occasions, the pain is bad...I want to experience everything with you. I want to see your awe at the Christmas tree. I want to see you shove your hand into that piece of cake and stuff it in your mouth. But here's what I want more...I want you to be with a mother and a father who love each other and have jobs stable enough to support you and all of the things you'll want to do. I want you to know just how loved you are by all of my family and your new family. And I want you to know that my choice to place you with another family was the hardest and probably will be thee hardest thing I've ever done. And I miss you. Every day. I think about you all the time. I cry for you. But I smile for you, too. It's so far beyond complicated, but I'm trying my best to explain.

So yes, as a birth mother, I do grieve the loss of my daughter. And I'm thankful that this is normal. That I'm not the first or the last to experience this. I hope that someone who is dealing with this will read this and know they're not alone.

My fear is that my daughter will feel bad for me...but I don't want her to. I want her to know that despite this pain, I am overjoyed by her life. And to also know that I'm not the only mom in this adoption who has felt loss or pain. Your adoptive mom has lost multiple children, which is why she is aware and sensitive to what I'm feeling. She is exceptional at being supportive of me. Before we left the hospital with you, her and I shared a private moment in my room and she prayed for us and for you. Her prayer was so special to me, I don't think she'll ever know how much that helped me get thru the events of handing you over to her. 

But just know that while this whole thing isn't normal, it's good. And right. And healthy. We will all be great throughout this whole thing. 

xoxo

How To Deal With Worry As A Birth Mother

As a birth mother, you will always have those 'mama bear' instincts. It's hard to explain to those women who haven't had children, but it's like a switch that gets flipped...for some it's the moment they find out they are expecting and for others, it's the moment they see their child for the first time. For me, it was the moment I knew I was pregnant. I was consumed with protecting and caring for this life inside of me. And of course, once you care so much about another human, you begin to worry about things that are ridiculous.

My worries varied with each stage of my pregnancy....first it was about telling my family. Then it moved to choosing parents to raise this child that I love so much. And when I watched the news, my worries seemed to triple instantly because this world is so scary and I don't want my sweet and innocent girl to be ruined by it. I'm pretty sure that last one is going to stick with me forever, unfortunately. Especially with this world getting crueler and colder every day.

But now, I have different worries added onto the normal "mom" stuff. As a birth mother, there are other things that enter the picture and no one could have prepared me for it. There's very little information about what adoption or open adoption is like and how it affects the birth mother, so it's just a matter of navigating your way through it. One phrase has gotten me through much of this..."What you're feeling is normal." My mom has spoken these words to me so many times over the last two years or so. Even though she really doesn't know what is normal in this situation, she reminds me that whatever it is I'm feeling has to be normal. Because there is no normal. So just let yourself feel it and go through it. That is what is normal; feeling and going through human emotion.

So to all the birth mothers out there: What you are feeling is normal. It's OK to be sad, mad, happy, scared, hope-filled, stressed, relieved, loved, not loved....literally all of it is normal. I think I've felt extremes of all of these things throughout this entire process. And it's NORMAL. It's going to be OK.

The things I worry about now are things like: "Will she remember me on this next visit or still be a little cautious to let me hold her?" "I hope she and her new parents are safe on their trip to Colorado...I can't imagine getting a call saying they were in an accident." "What if she gets hurt and I'm too far away to be there for her?" "What will she think when she realizes I'm her birth mom?" "Will she love me?" "What do her parents think of me?" "Are they going to ever stop letting me see her?" "What would I do if I couldn't talk to her or see her?" "What will it be like the next time I have a child?" "Will a man ever fully understand what I have been through? Will he accept my past and not judge me for it?" "What will I tell her about her birth father?" "How old should she be when I tell her what happened?"

All of these thoughts go through my head almost daily. It's hard to not let it consume you or to not over think it. But what helps me move forward with my life is the fact that I took careful consideration when making my daughter's adoption plan. I hand picked two amazing parents for her and I built a solid relationship with them before she even got here. So I can rest assured that my daughter is well taken care of. And I have a God who is in control of all of our lives and will continue to provide love, support and understanding for us as we continue this crazy journey.

So to recap. It's normal. And trust your instincts. You know whats best for your baby. So whatever choices you have made, those were good. Don't second guess yourself. And then pray a lot. God has been amazing to my daughter and I. I trust that He will continue to be amazing.

xoxo

How Do We Act When Faced With Negativity?

On Thursday of last week, I made a simple comment on a post that showed adoptive parents meeting their daughter for the first time. It was so touching to me and brought back the memories I have of seeing Charlie's parents holding her for the first time. I just felt compelled to comment and shared just a small portion of my story as a birth mother.

On Friday morning, my comment had over 2,000 likes and over 50 comments. In fact, my phone died over night because there were so many notifications coming through. I tried my best to read every comment and show my appreciation for all of the kind words I was receiving. After all, the original post was not even about me...I didn't intend to take away attention from the beautiful moment that was being shared.

However, as the weekend progressed...more and more likes were given but I also received more and more comments. Eventually, some of those comments became rude and negative...Some people couldn't understand how anyone could "give away" their baby. Some people noted that "if you can't raise your baby, then you shouldn't have one." And some were even under the impression that "poor white girls like me were just being used by rich white women to get babies."

This is the subtle/g-rated version of what I was reading. And I have to admit that for a minute, those few negative comments quickly overwhelmed all of the positive ones I was getting. How sad is that? But so true to how humans operate...we will focus on the negative much more than we focus on the positive. I was instantly outraged by these comments and wanted to write back and speak about how wrong they were. They were speaking as if they knew me and were so quick to judge me. How dare they?

What I had to work through was the fact that these people did NOT know me. Like I said, I only shared a small portion of my story, which could leave many of the question marks unanswered. Of course they would fill in with their own answers, which would lead them to their own opinions. Even if those opinions were nasty.

So how do we respond? How does a Christian react to such harsh judgements and rude commentary? How does a woman who is still quite vulnerable in her choices made about her daughter answer to these people? She speaks with love. I respond with truth, love and humility. I don't know everyone else's story, just like they don't know mine. So for me to judge them as rude/mean/negative humans is not my job either. We have to rise above what we are reading and remember that our own lives are just that...ours.

This is my life. This is my daughters life. I know that what I chose for my daughter and for myself was the best thing I could have done. No one can tell me otherwise. Nobody forced me into this decision, I was fully aware of what I was doing. In fact, I didn't even make this final decision until three weeks after she was born. I had come to terms with what I was giving up as a parent, but also what I was gaining for both my daughter and I. We would both come out of this thing with the best. And that is what we both deserved.

So from one birth mom to all of the other moms out there, lets stop breaking down each other. We all know what the love of a mother feels like. Placing Charlie in another woman's arms was the most heart breaking thing I've ever gone through. It still pains me to even think about that moment. But as time has gone by, I feel more and more joy. The sadness and pain seem to diminish because I feel nothing but peace about my decision. When I see Charlie smile and giggle, I know that she is so happy! She clings to her new mommy for safety, comfort and love. And as much as I wish it were me she were clinging to, I'm so happy to see her bonded with her new mom.

Someday, I will have more children....and when I do, it'll be so special. I know what it's like to leave the hospital empty handed...but the next time, I will come home with the love and joy of a child. I will come home from the hospital with my husband and with a room ready for this new life we will have created together. We will have planned for this child...we will both want this child. There will be no shame, pain, abuse or fear in the making of this child. Things will happen the way God intended them to.

And for that, I am beyond blessed. I am blessed to have Charlie in my life. I am blessed to be able to share this story with others. I am blessed to spread knowledge about open adoption. I am blessed to have a beautiful and supportive family. I am blessed to be a child of God.

Now someone tell me there isn't love here in this adoption. Just look at this sweet little face! 

xoxo

What Will Distance Do To Us?

Hi baby girl,

I probably need to stop calling you that now that you're one. But to me, you'll always be my little baby girl. So just get used to that. :)

This is a blog I've been dreading to write, but I know it has to happen. Right now there is only about an hour and a half drive between us and I love it. You are near enough that I could get to you pretty quickly but far enough that you and your parents have space to be your own family. But recently at work, I was given a promotion and offered a relocation. This all came with much excitement, but the minute they said relocation, you were the first person I thought about.

They want me to move to Ohio, which is where my company is headquartered. There is a lot of opportunity for my career advancement out there, but it's so far from you and from everyone/everything I've ever known here in Iowa. Plus, it's not even warm! I'm just moving from one snowy state to another! Hmph.

There will soon be 10 hours between us. 600+ miles of distance to travel in order to see eachother face to face. When I was at your house last weekend, it was so hard to imagine what that will be like. I love seeing you, holding you, playing with you and laughing with you. You bring me more joy than I can even put into words! But what I also know is that I want you to be proud of me...I want you to know that I didn't stop going for my dreams and goals. What happened to me could have crippled me and my life, but because of you I want to do more and be a better person. This job and next step in my life is just that. It is more and will make me a better person.

Because I chose adoption, it allows me to return to the life I had started before I was blessed with you in my tummy. So I hope that by me moving away and pursuing bigger and better things, you know that nothing can stop you from being amazing. You can make choices to better yourself and to push yourself to be more. And that is what I'm intending to do.

As for you and me...We will FaceTime and every time I come back home, I will always make a visit to see you. You are my family. Your parents are my family. So seeing you is as much of a priority as seeing my mom and dad is. And I know that the love I have for you is strong enough that you will feel it wherever we may be.

Love you,

Ashley

xoxo

Happy 1st Birthday!!

So the day is here!! Your very first birthday! I can't believe you are one year old today....this year has flown by! And you are just as amazing today as you were the first day I saw your sweet face. It's been amazing to see how you've grown, learned, advanced, discovered and taken this life by storm. You are such a happy, carefree and joyous little girl...so full of wonder and curiosity about everyone and everything. It's so amazing to know that you have changed so many lives in just your short life! Even people you don't know are inspired by you and your life has changed how they view adoption and open adoption. How amazing is that??

One year ago, I woke up from probably the worst sleep I've ever had...I knew that I was going to have to stop keeping you all to myself and start sharing you with this world. My dad let me sleep in my parents bed with my mom..I think partially because I couldn't get comfortable with you in my tummy and partially because he knew I just needed my mom. That night I woke up several times crying and my mom would just hold me until I fell back to sleep.

The next day we woke up early to be at the hospital by 8 am. I was scheduled to go into surgery to have you delivered at 10 am. But apparently the hospital had other plans...we didn't end up going into surgery until about 2 pm! So you can imagine I was feeling pretty anxious having to wait an extra four hours! But we finally got down to the special room for c-section deliveries and 37 minutes later, you were here! I can't put into words how amazing it was to finally see you and hear your sweet cries. Once the nurses finished checking your vitals and measuring you, my mom was the first one to hold you. She brought you over to me, since I was still tied to this table and being closed up. I remember smiling so big my lip split open! I didn't even care though...you just made me so happy.

Once we got out of surgery, my dad was in my room waiting for us. He was also pretty smitten with you once he got to hold you! We spent those first few hours just enjoying you...and you spent those first few hours just sleeping. Being pulled out of my tummy must have been exhausting for you! You were so beautiful and just..perfect. I know every mom says that about their babies, but I have it on good authority that you were the cutest baby in the nursery. You just had this perfect fair skin, a little flush in your cheeks, and big beautiful blue eyes. You came out just the way God created you and that is perfect.

You were 7 pounds and 6.8 ounces big, 19 inches long. All ten fingers and all ten toes were where they were supposed to be. Your lungs and heart and mind were all in working order. You had quite the high pitched cry! (A singer, no doubt) And you fit perfectly in my arms. And you always will, sweet baby girl. No matter how old you are, I will always cherish holding you.

This last year has been amazing, Charlie. So much has happened, and there's still so much more that will happen! I just hope you know that no matter your age, the distance between us, what happens in my life or what happens in your life, I will love you relentlessly. Nothing in this world will ever change that.

Happy birthday!! Can't wait to see what this next year brings!!

xoxo

Happy Birthmom's Day To Me!!

What does it mean to be a mom? What does it mean to be a birth mom? These are questions and identities that I have struggled with over the last 10+ months and while I still probably don't have the correct or perfect answer, I can tell you what it means to me.

First of all, the only reason we feel compelled to place labels like mom or birth mom on people in a situation involving adoption is purely to help other people, and most importantly the child, identify correctly with each person. I find value in this mainly for my daughter because I want her to call her adoptive mom, Mom. Nothing more and nothing less. Just Mom. I am also her mom, but I play a different type of mom role. I gave her life and made the first, most important decision of her life for her. While legally I signed my rights over to her new parents, I still feel such a strong tie to her and I will never stop feeling like her mom. I just have to take a back seat from now on and let her new mommy make all of the other big decisions for awhile.

Being a mom and being a birth mom are synonymous in my situation, but for the sake of everyone, I will happily accept the label of birth mom. Because not everyone gets to be a birth mom. I feel beyond lucky and so blessed that I was given the opportunity to carry Charlie and give her life. God has truly been good to me. :)

So the other neat thing about being Charlie's birth mom is that I get to celebrate today, a day ahead of Mother's Day! I get a whole day just to relish in the fact that I have a beautiful, goofy, smiley, brave and gap-toothed child in my life who I can still hold, laugh with, enjoy and love. I may not get to spend this time with you, but I will be thinking of you a lot today, baby girl.

In my particular adoption story, I feel joy for Charlie's new mommy and the fact that she will be celebrating her first Mother's Day tomorrow. In the last couple of years, Mother's Day had been a reminder to her that she had lost her two babies long before she could ever hold them. I can't imagine what it would feel like to completely lose a piece of your heart like that. So now that she has Charlie to love and cherish, she will be able to embrace the entire day because she is a MOM! It's also pretty exciting because Charlie will be getting dedicated tomorrow at church. One more reason I so love her parents...they promised me to raise her in a home filled with Christ's love. This was probably the most important thing to me when deciding who should raise my baby. So far, they are nailing it on the head!

As a child, you always plan a big surprise or wonder what gift to give your mommy on this special day that recognizes her. It feels so funny to me now because, as a mom, I don't want anything else. I already have the best gift I have ever received. No other gift compares. So I say to my own mother, now I understand that you really meant it when you said we didn't need to get you anything, you just wanted to spend time with us. I can't believe I can understand the love you have for me, finally. That is some serious stuff! When I know how much I love Charlie...to think that someone in this world loves me that much, too? It is enough to make my heart grow three times. :)

So to all the mommies, birth moms, adoptive moms, surrogate mothers, and everyone in between, Happy Mothers Day. You deserve it. Enjoy this time! But remember, every day of your life will forever be another day of blessing with the sweet child you have in your life.

 xoxo

Change Happens

So, I just realized I haven't posted on here for almost two months! And a lot has happened in those two months....things change all the time and this is a lesson I am learning to accept. Even when we aren't ready for change, or as much as we may fight to avoid change, it is inevitable.

Charlie-one day you will start to learn how valuable this lesson in life is. But I know that you will have a strong and resilient heart, which will help you adapt to what this beautiful life will throw at you. My parents have always said if I am anything, I am resilient. I used to not really care about this trait, but as I've grown older, it is something I cling to. My life has not gone the way I ever imagined it would, but you never know your own strength until you are required to be strong. That is something I know for sure.

My sweet girl is almost 10 months old!! You have four little baby teeth and your top two teeth have a little gap between them. It's adorable and you might also fancy to know that my mother was gap-toothed growing up. Her dad fixed it by wrapping a rubber band around them every night until the gap was closed. And to this day, she still has the most beautiful, straight teeth I've ever seen.You are also on the brink of walking...you never even figured out crawling, you just went for the gold and started stomping around.

In my life, I've experienced a few exciting things and a few hard things recently. I met a guy shortly after you were born and he was amazing. He knew about you and would let me cry when I missed you, looked at every picture I loved and took an interest in you and how you were doing. He was also very kind...he treated me well and was never disrespectful. We laughed a lot and he let me be myself, which made being with him so easy. I even fell in love with him. We dated for several months and it was great. But then when we started talking about a more serious future, I had to make a decision about what I wanted for my future and I ended up breaking up with him. We didn't agree on our faith and that is something I value highly. (Charlie, one of the reasons I chose your parents was their strong faith. I wanted that for you and I hope you love being surrounded by God's love all the time in your home as you grow. I had that, and I wouldn't change a thing.) It was really difficult to leave him because there was real love there, but it just wasn't right. I hope to remain friends with him because I cherish his laugh, humor, kind heart and the way he allowed me to grow into the person I am today.

So for now, I'm happy to focus on me. I know what I want and I hope that I can set an example for you...that it is never going to work if you give up something that is meaningful to you. Never sacrifice who you are for a "what if" situation, it's not fair to either of you. I know that God has a very special person already chosen for me and even for you! We just need to be patient and allow God to move in our lives. He'll take care of everything.

Anyway, we are coming to see you this Saturday!! I'm so excited!! This stretch between visits has been so hard, but also good for me. I have to get used to seeing you less as you grow. Once you turn one, we will probably start doing less frequent visits. This is for everyone's benefit. I have to learn to let go of parts of your life and your parents need to be able to just be your parents. I'll be like an aunt...a really, really cool aunt. :) It's a mixed bag, but you are at the center of every choice we make when it comes to this new and exciting adoption adventure. I hope you know how loved, cherished and special you are to me, sweet girl. Nothing will ever take your place in my heart.

Love you forever, xoxo