Woulda Coulda Shoulda

"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me...Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."

-Shel Silverstein

 

This quote has been ringing through my head for the last 24 hours after having a lovely conversation with my parents last night. Since I've moved to Ohio, I find myself loving the nights when I call my mom and my dad is right next to her. She'll put me on speaker and it's *almost* like I'm right there in the living room with them, just sharing time and laughing together. We'll talk about our days and they are always sure to tell me how proud they are of me. I don't think they know how much that means to me; to have the people you look up to most telling you that they're proud of you...that's something so special. 

 

Last night we had more to talk about because I became "facebook official" with the man I've been seeing for the last couple of months. This is a big deal in our house because we grew up knowing and always remembering to protect our hearts. Having something so personal, like a romantic relationship, put out on a public forum is something to do only when you feel completely comfortable with it. With this in mind, I haven't been public with a relationship status in years. Sure, I've dated people and even had some meaningful relationships, but never were they posted for all to see. My boyfriend is somewhat of a private person, so imagine my surprise when HE took the leap of making US public. 

 

So as I'm discussing this with my parents, I also start to just reflect on why this particular guy is special. Why I feel like I'm OK with us being listed as a pairing on social media. And I happened across the thought that he's the first guy I've seriously dated who shares the same faith as I do. Having this key portion of our lives to discuss, challenge one another and enjoy together has made this relationship different somehow. And I found myself saying that I shouldn't have dated any of those other guys, knowing what I know now. Like why would I waste my time, knowing how important this part of my life is, dating someone who just doesn't believe in God? It doesn't make them bad people, it just doesn't make them the right one for me. 

 

Luckily, my dad was quick to say that there are three words that we, as humans, shouldn't dwell on: woulda, coulda, shoulda. He told me that spending too much time in the past can cloud the present and/or future. So allowing ourselves to live too much in that 'woulda coulda shoulda' world isn't worth our time, but living in the joy that today has to bring is definitely worth our time. And that is exactly what I'm trying to do. I want to fully enjoy my time in this relationship and embrace all the joy that this man has brought to my life. 

 

So to bring it back to the above quote by the wonderful Shel Silverstein, I love how he brings this child full circle from listening to all the negative things the world has to offer, but then quickly reminds the child that despite all of that, anything can happen. Although Shel wrote this a long time ago, the concept is true to life in general. As humans, we are flooded with all these things that are negative, things we shouldn't do, etc...but through all of that, there are lessons to be learned. The time we spend today moving through the course of life, will only help us to fully remember all the amazing things that our future have to bring. Anything can happen, anything can be. 

 

**I realize this has little to do with my adoption or being a birthmom, but this is a lesson that has taken me a long 27 years to learn. And if I can try to impart anything to my daughter as she grows up and navigates through life, I want to. I want her know how special she is and how she should always focus on the beauty and amazing things that surround her.

 

But since most of you come here to see more about Charlie and what she's up to, here's a little photo of my girl in her natural habitat; at the dinner table, with food smeared all around her mouth. (Hand-eye coordination is still a work in progress)

 

 

And here's baby girl working on her dental hygiene....

 

 

She's really growing up! I can't wait to see her in May and then again for her birthday in June! She'll be two! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

 

xoxo 

Why I Chose Them To Raise Charlie

A lot of people ask me about how I chose the two wonderful people that I did to raise my little girl. I'll be honest, it wasn't an easy process, but it was definitely one of the best decisions I've made in my life. They are incredible humans and I have never second guessed my choice in who they are to me and to my daughter, our daughter.

When I met with Bethany Christian Services, they asked me what I was looking for in a family for my baby. All I knew was that I wanted them to be Christian, be willing to have an open adoption and have some interest in music. These were my only deal breakers and everything else I was open to all possibilities.

At the agency, they have a huge cabinet full of books which have been made by all of the families who are looking for a child to adopt. It's a little crazy that little ol' me had all of these options just staring me in the face. It was overwhelming. But luckily my advocate knew me and knew some of these families and was able to narrow it down to about 8 families that she thought I'd like. She sent me home with the books so I could review them and look them over.

After a few days of avoiding the books, for reasons I still can't fully understand, I sat down on my bed and prayed. I prayed over all of the books, I prayed for myself and I prayed for my baby. I grabbed each book and read them through and surprisingly found myself discovering things that I either loved or didn't love about each family. I realized that I imagined this child being the first one for a family, so those who already had kids were put into a 'No' pile. This left with with about half of the books left.

I started reading about the remaining families and the moment I started reading one of them, I started to fall in love with them. This book showed a couple, late 30's-early 40's, who had found each other late in life. Their love story was so beautiful and was centered around their mutual love for Christ. They also had a part in there that each had written about why they fell in love with the other person; which was not only adorable but also showed a side of both of their personalities that I loved.

The next part that made me love them was the page that explained that they had tried to carry a child on their own, but were unable to carry either of the babies to term. My heart broke as they told about losing two little babies. I still get emotional just thinking about the loss they had to have felt. I can't imagine. But what made me love them even more was when they said that they still felt called by God to be parents, so that is why they were exploring adoption.

The rest of their book showed photos of their wedding, their cute dogs and moments of adventure that they had shared together. It was so exciting to see little snippets into their lives and what my daughter could expect to experience and look forward to as she grows up. It also made my heart happy that the mother was a singer and the grandpa was a piano player...made me confident that Charlie would grow up surrounded by music.

The last page of their book is what made my decision to want to meet them final. They had a list of what they value most and at the top of the list was God and having a personal relationship with Him. The next thing was their family. As I read the list, I realized that these were all things that I grew up with as well and things that I found vital to being the person I was today. It just made me feel confident that my daughter would be brought up the same way I was.

After that, I scrambled the books up and had my mom look through them all and she had the same family picked out. So we decided to meet them. In February, we got to meet for the first time at the adoption agency. Full disclosure, it was awkward at first...here I am with this baby inside of me and here are these people who want to take it. But after moving past the awkwardness, it quickly became very intimate and I felt connected to them instantly. They remind me so much of my own parents and they were so vulnerable about everything....I know we all cried multiple times that day.

I honestly don't remember all of the details of that day, what was said or anything like that...I just remember driving away feeling completely at peace. I loved them. I knew they loved me and my baby. I felt no desire to meet anyone else and I was excited to see them again throughout the pregnancy to build our relationship before the baby arrived. I kind of viewed that as my own version of nesting; getting to know her future parents and getting comfortable with them.

To this day, I still adore them. I couldn't have asked for a better two people to raise the most important person to me. They have stuck to every promise they have made and they have included me so much in her life. I cherish the moments I get to see my daughter, but I also love seeing them and watching how they all interact. It's what helps my heart feel happy when I miss her because I know she's surrounded with love and is so well taken care of.

xoxo

Volunteers Wanted to Cuddle, Nuture Newborn Babies at Adoption Agencies

Some of you may have seen several of your facebook friends posting and sharing the following article: http://insider.foxnews.com/2016/02/18/volunteers-wanted-cuddle-and-nurture-newborns-adoption-agencies

It's basically an article announcing that adoption agencies around the country are wanting volunteers to cuddle brand new babies who are between families/moving through the adoption process. It gives very little information about the actual process, purpose, function or really anything about it. But rather, shows a cute photo of an elderly man holding a brand new baby on his shoulder.

I want to preface this by saying that yes, there is a need for such a volunteer. Yes, this is a real thing that has value to the baby. And yes, it's awesome that so many people have open hearts and want to hold these sweet little kiddos while they wait for their forever families to come.

But here's the deal. It's not about you. This is about the child, the birth mom and the future family who will be adopting the baby. Sure, you will be able to enjoy some sweet cuddle time with a newborn, but remember that you also will be responsible for getting up 2-3 times per night to feed the baby, you'll have to be the one to change their diapers and you'll have to figure out a way to not grow attached because that baby will eventually leave your home.

The whole point of this interim care is to allow the birth mom to think her decision through. By having the child in a separate location, the birth mom can go to their home and have a good nights sleep, spend time thinking and ultimately make a decision that they are happy with. Sometimes that means going to the interim home and picking up their baby, but sometimes that means leaving the baby there until the adoptive family is ready to pick the child up.

I was offered a service just like this but didn't feel a need to use it in my situation, but I know of another birth mom who did. And the birth mom actually stayed at the interim house with her babies (she had twin girls) while she made her decision. It's a very delicate time for everyone involved, so I just want to stress how important it is that you remember that its not about you.

I would also like to point out that being able to provide this interim care requires a serious process to be sure you're a safe, accountable and stable person to be given this much responsibility. It isn't like you just get handed a baby with a quick signature or something.

So please, feel free to continue to share and post it along with people who you think would love this type of volunteer work...but hopefully knowing this information will help clear up exactly the type of person the adoption agencies are looking for.

xoxo

Cookies, Cake & Loneliness

It's Friday! Which means that Charlie's mom sends me a few photos or if I'm lucky, a cute video of our sweet baby girl. It's the best part of my Friday and I always get super excited when I see the notification on my phone. It's kind of like my world is just going and going, and then it all stops for those few moments when I can just relish in all the joy and love I have for her.

My friends at work always know when I'm watching the videos or looking at her pictures because I guess I get this slap happy grin on my face. I usually force them to also watch the videos and adore the pictures so they tell me how cute she is, too. Needless to say, it's my little piece of joy and peace in a week filled with stress, craziness and non-stop busyness.

Today was a special day and I got a cute video of Charlie playing in the bathroom sink with water and an empty water bottle. (One of her favorite activities; my girl is easy to please) She was also talking, using her sign language and even showed a quick little dance move for the camera. I always feel so proud when I hear her say the new words she's learned. This week, it was a cute surprise to hear her saying 'cookie' and 'cake.' She had several other words and was quick to remind her mom that pizza is hot. (I'm assuming this comes from mommy and daddy telling her to be careful when she's eating pizza because it may be hot) Regardless, that was just plain adorable.

It also makes me laugh that my sweet girl has already learned that she likes cookies and cake, and another video showed her clear desire for ice cream. Picture this: an adorable 18 month old holding onto the handle of the refrigerator asking for ice cream, getting a 'no' from mom and proceeding to pout. Clearly my love of sweets has been passed down to Charlie.

It's amazing to me how much these Friday messages can turn my mood around. This weekend is Valentine's Day and while I typically don't care too much about this holiday, being away from all of my friends, family and baby girl has really gotten to me. Sure, I have friends here in Ohio, but I miss those friends that I have years of connection with, my family who knows me to my core and the sweet slobbery kisses from my girl. Being alone has never been a problem for me and I don't mind  having extra "Me Time." But being lonely is different; feeling like you're missing that deeper connection is hard to move past.

It's scary sometimes the negative thoughts I have about myself. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has moments like this though...I can't be the only woman who's struggled to find a man who brings exactly what she wants to the table. I can't be the only one who's had legitimate nightmares for dates. I can't be the only one who struggles to allow herself to let down her walls enough to build a connection with anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I'm asking for too much? Am I not worthy of what I thought I was, or what my parents have told me I deserve? Is my past causing others to view me differently?

**Side note to Charlie: I know this doesn't have much to do with you or our story. But because I know I'm not the only girl to feel this way, I want you to know you're not alone. And my own self talk to counteract the above thoughts has been this:

It's OK to feel this way. We are allowed to feel however we want. But it is also up to us to move out of that negative space....remind yourself of what you are, rather than what you are not. So when I think about me, who I know my true self to be, I love myself. And I know that if I remain patient, someday some man will come into my life and I'll know why it never worked with anyone else. He will see my flaws, know my past and see who I am today. He will love all of that, all of me.

I never imagined that I'd be 27, single, in another state away from all of my family. While I did think I'd have a child around 25, I never thought I wouldn't be the one raising her. I never saw myself being a birth mother. But here I am. And it's OK.

So if you're lonely on this silly holiday, (which is a sorry excuse for love, because you should tell those you love how you feel every day and match those words with your actions) remember that you're worth more than that. Remember your value and self worth. Loneliness is temporary. And you're never truly alone.

xoxo

Why I Talk About It

Remember when I first started coming public with this blog and Charlie and my story? I was so scared, nervous and might I say ashamed to finally talk about everything out loud. Sharing this very personal and private part of my life isn't something I took lightly. If you remember, I didn't make public that I was expecting, I didn't share any "I had a baby!" photos with Facebook while we were in the hospital and I didn't share this blog until weeks after she was born. It wasn't just my story to share though, it's also Charlie's story. In fact, this entire blog wouldn't even exist if it weren't for her. So talking about it without her consent is still a little nerve wracking to me. I hope she'll understand why I chose to.

I look at our world today, filled with a million different voices with a million different opinions on a million different issues. The one that breaks my heart the most is the pro life vs pro choice debate. I think all of you reading this should be pretty clear where I stand....I am obviously pro life. I value ALL life. And as much as I grieve for the women who are raped or molested by family members, I also grieve for the child that is conceived in those moments and has no voice. I understand all of the arguments...I really do. I mean, I lived it. I get it. But no matter what anyone could tell me, I just can't falter on this issue.

Some of you may recall the time that a trending topic on twitter was #ShoutYourAbortion. It literally makes me sick just to type it, let alone know that millions of women were proudly proclaiming that they had an abortion. This was their way of claiming their bodies and taking control of their own human rights...fighting "The Man." And while I admit it takes a large amount of courage to publicly admit such a thing, I can't imagine that one tweet will make them feel better about that decision. The reality of that decision has either been shoved deep down within them, so far down that they can't feel it anymore, or they truly have lost their own compassion for human life. Because they ended one.

Luckily, there was also another trending topic on twitter at the time called #ShoutYourAdoption. Praise God for that hashtag because it was the only way my day wasn't completely ruined from looking at social media that day. And that one hashtag has kind of been my self talk since having my little Charlie. Why isn't adoption talked about more? Why are there so few birth moms talking about their brave decision? Why are people so uncomfortable when they find out my story for the first time? I'm not uncomfortable...I love to talk about my daughter. I assume it's kind of the same way other parents love to talk about their children.

So here I am, trying to be a voice for all birth moms, women facing an unplanned pregnancy, children who have been placed for adoption and just everyone in the world. What happened to me and the decisions that followed should not be a secret. Charlie should not be a secret. Adoption should not be a secret. #ShoutYourAdoption is something so beautiful to me. It's an amazing opportunity for every person involved with adoption. To have the freedom and courage to share your story, with hopes that another person might also be brave enough to choose life. That they might know there are OPTIONS available to them. And that one decision, either way, will literally change your life forever.

I hope that this blog helps others know the birth mother's side of adoption. I hope that this blog will help another woman faced with an unplanned pregnancy to be brave. I hope that this blog will serve as a source of answers and information for Charlie one day.

I also hope that my story becomes one of many. I want to meet other birth moms who are proudly sharing their hearts and maybe even show each other photos of our little blessings. I pray that my family is proud of me and that they know how much I love them for standing by me. I want God to use me and my life, and Charlie's life for that matter, for His glory.

This became quite a bit longer than I originally intended it to be, but I hope this explains to those reading why this is so important to me. It's not for attention, it's not for sympathy...or anything of that sort. I simply want to share. :)

xoxo

#ShoutYourAdoption

2015: What A Year

This year has been like a whirlwind and I can't believe tomorrow will be the first day of 2016! This year has been filled with so much excitement, change, love and growth for the both of us, little Charlie. No matter what has happened throughout the year, it seems like my love for you continues to grow with each day. I have said to my mother a million times that I never knew I could love another person this much...it's too hard to explain in words. And even though I don't get to see you all the time, you are embedded in my heart and there isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think about you.

So lets talk about what has happened this year....and you'll start to understand just how amazing it's been!

-You started to grow teeth and now have an almost full set of chompers.
-I moved to my first apartment all by myself (without roommates) and loved it.
-Your dad continued his education and somehow maintained a 4.0.
-My parents sold my childhood home and downsized.
-You started to walk and your mom started to panic daily.
-I got promoted at work and started my new role as a trainer.
-Your aunt and uncle bought a house right in your neighborhood.
-I moved to Columbus, Ohio.
-You turned one!
-I taught your parents how to use FaceTime.
-You started to learn how to talk.
-I had my first IKEA experience.
-You switched to eating real food instead of just formula.
-I spent entirely too much money on makeup.
-You learned how fun it is to dance to good music.

....and all the while, my love for you just won't stop growing.

We got to spend an entire day together yesterday and our visit was so much fun! You were talkative, smiley and so excited about the Christmas presents you got to open. I would ask you, "Do you like opening presents?" And of course, you would smile and say, "YAH!" It was so sweet and it was amazing to see you responding to questions so easily. You are obviously a baby genius. 

This year, my parents got you a cool learning toy called a See & Say. It is going to help you learn the alphabet and new words as you grow your baby vocabulary. I got you a super cool car toy that makes noise when you steer and has a million buttons for you to enjoy. Your mom always tells me about how you love to go for drives and like to look at cars outside of your window, so I figured this would be a good choice for you. :) 

Here's to another amazing year, baby! I love you so much!! :-*

xoxo

Christian Terrorism: That's a Thing Now

It's frightening to think that my sweet little child will have to grow up in a world that is so filled with hate, cruelty, death, loss, murder, anger, fights, lies, terror and everything else that is scary. How unfair that those who are completely innocent are having to not only be victims of this world, but also be a witness to such a painful time in our history. I feel like we can't go a day without our news feeds blowing up with another act of hate. And now it's hate coming from a group of people who I associate myself with. Again...how unfair.

What saddens me is how other Christians are reacting to this shooting; going onto news posts online, hiding behind their computer screens, and calling this man a hero. Stating that PP workers and it's clients deserve a taste of their own medicine; that they should also die as some form of repayment for all of the lives they've ended through abortion.

Is this seriously how we are behaving?! I am so sickened by this and it makes me ashamed to be grouped with this group of people. That Christian extremists are trying to take scripture, twist it and use it in order to make the hate in their hearts somehow verified. They think they can put a spin on a select few scriptures in order to make it OK to wish death upon another human being. When it comes to misinterpreting the Bible, the issue is NOT with God, it is with the person messing it up.

But this is not how we all think. This is NOT how I think. I am saddened by EVERY death; be it an unborn child, an innocent life cut short by a gun, or a convicted felon being put to death for his crimes. Jesus weeps for this and so do I. We all know my stance on abortion, but it goes much deeper than that. Fighting for every single life is something we should all strive for. Life is not something to take for granted and it's never been our job to determine who can live and who can die. To take that sort of judgement into our own hands is scary and it's something that we can't undo. Once it's done, it's done. No second tries. No do overs. It's just over.

So just to clear things up, not all Christians are happy about what happened on Friday. There are still Christians who want to be Jesus to this world and show love, kindness and mercy. God told us that this sort of thing would happen...that the world would begin wars purely based on religion. And look at us now...every war going on can be tied to people who are mad that other people don't worship the same god that they do.

Praying for those who were hurt or murdered in the shooting, and for every terrorist act happening in our world right now for that matter. Also praying for the people who are choosing to act this way and think this is somehow God's will. And finally I am praying for everyone in the world. We need it.