Happy 8 Month Birthday!!

So yesterday was your 8 month birthday, Charlie! Woah, time flies!! I was able to come visit you this last week and you have grown into such a strong, happy and smart little girl already. You took your first steps this last week but you do a lot better when you have someone helping you and holding your hands. You are super strong and have a grip that could break a finger...you just don't know your own strength yet! Oh, and you have two teeth that have cut through on your bottom gums! You're a lot bigger than most babies your age...your last doctors appointment verified that when they measured you at the size of a 13 month old. You're just going to be a tall pretty girl! :)

It's been so fun to see you every month as you've grown and very special to build a relationship with your parents as we have our little visits. They are truly some of the most remarkable people I have ever met. They are strong, devoted and more loving than most people you will encounter in this world. I love them so much and I am thankful they will be your example of love as you grow. You really seem to like them, too! At our last visit, we were playing on the floor together when your dad got home from work and you saw him and smiled so big! You were so happy to see him and it just melts my heart to see you loving your parents already.

As we continue to develop our adoption story, your mom and I are learning how to keep things healthy and normal for all of us, especially you. Your mom has been faithful in sending me at least one photo every day since you were born. That is incredible and it has helped me tremendously in my own healing process. But, by having her do that every day it felt like it sort of took away from her being able to fully focus on loving you and just being your mommy. Its also hard for me sometimes because I'll be living my every day life and then receive a picture of you, and its like my whole world stops because I want to relish that photo and just stare at it as long as I can. It's like I had to switch hats every day to feel like I was still giving you as much time and love as I need to. Your mom and I talked about it though, and we both agreed that it is healthy for both of us to just move to weekly photos. That way she can completely focus on you and I can have one awesome moment when I get those photos. I need to remember that even if I don't see a photo of you every day, it doesn't mean that you aren't on my mind and in my heart every day.

You know, I keep a photo of you right here on my desk at work, I have a picture of us together as my background on my computer and I have over 100 saved pictures on my phone of you! So I'm connected to you all the time and I can see you any time I want! :)

Well sweet baby girl, happy birthday! Can't wait to see you grow over the next month and see what other amazing things you will learn to do!! :)

xoxo

How Self Worth Happens

So this blog doesn't necessarily correlate directly to Charlie or the adoption, but I think it could be a valuable one for women who, like me, didn't/don't see themselves as worthy of genuine love. When I agreed to go out with the guy who became Charlie's birth dad, I just wanted him to like me. I didn't care what he liked about me, I just needed attention of some sort. And based on previous encounters I had with the opposite sex, I wasn't sure I was worth more than just my body. It's really hard for me to write this down but it's the truth.

I was reminded of this the other day when I ran into a guy who I had briefly dated the other day. He will forever be known as the guy who completely ruined my confidence and self worth for a solid chunk of time in my life. When I was dating him, it was all in secret...like he didn't want to be seen with me in public. And he wouldn't kiss me or anything, but he was willing to receive the physical attention I would give him. (Sorry mom and dad) When I finally asked him about this, he told me that he just wasn't attracted to me and that I was only really good for one thing. He didn't need him to elaborate on that "one thing" and I immediately left in tears. As I am reliving this, my heart breaks for the girl I used to be. I can't believe I allowed myself to be taken advantage of like that, let alone let someone else tell me I'm not attractive and believe it.

Needless to say, once I was in my car the other day after running into him, I immediately had to have a quick text convo with one of my closest friends who has been there for me through all of this. And though I didn't need to be told what an asshole he was, or to be reminded that I am beautiful, she was there with her quick wit and reassurance that I'm clearly better off now. It made me realize how far I've come from that young girl, crying in my car because I didn't think anyone could possibly love me. Today I can happily say that I am a beautiful person and I am beyond happy with my life and the choices I've made.

What inspired me to recant this tale is that I know there are countless other girls who fall into that same trap every day. I work with some of the most spectacular high school girls and it pains me to think that any of them could ever feel the way I felt about myself. It's so easy for us to believe lies and to even build them to bigger lies in our heads. It's not so easy to see the beauty that lies within all of us. I love being able to show and tell other people, boys and girls, what makes them so special and why they are completely worthy of love.

The biggest lesson I think in all of this comes from God. God has love for everyone, even if people sometimes don't feel worthy or love Him back. He's still got it. Regardless of what stupid mistakes I've made in my past, I know that I was only able to make the good choices, the hard choices, through His love and His example of what genuine love looks like. Sending your Son to die for us? I can't even imagine.

I also find strength through the people God has placed in my life. My mom and step-dad are the purest example of selfless, relentless, passionate and Christ-like love I have ever witnessed on this earth. They are incredible people to each other and to everyone they meet. Watching them work as husband and wife is something I will never be able to repay them for. The lessons they have taught my siblings and I about life and love are invaluable. Just the fact that my parents stood by me through my entire pregnancy and supported every decision I made is amazing. I know my mom and I were both looking for a way to take Charlie home with us from the hospital, but we knew it wasn't the best thing for her. They felt every heart break with me, but loved me through it.

It is these types of people who I receive my full cup of genuine love. In fact, my cup runneth over every day. Christ fills it, my family fills it, my friends fill it, I fill it and even Charlie fills it. I no longer need what that little girl crying in the car needs to feel worthy. Thank God for that.

Sometimes you just gotta brag about the human you made...

Six Months, Already?!

Well happy birthday, sweet child!! You are officially six months old today! What a whirlwind this time has been--so amazing, so filled with joy and blessings. I love you so much and that love grows just as quickly as you seem to!

We also just had Christmas...it was difficult not to be with you on your first Christmas, but I received pictures from your mom and you looked so adorable and happy! She finally put you in a tutu!! Those are my favorite!! While I missed being with you on one of my favorite holidays, I was reminded of what a blessing you are to so many.

There are so many connections between adoption and the story of Jesus...God had to send His Son to earth and let another man and woman raise Him. While God knew there was a bigger plan, I can only imagine that He felt similar to how I felt letting you leave with another mommy and daddy. It gives me some comfort that we have an awesome God who is with me and you as we continue on this journey! He was certainly aware of the plans He had for your life and I believe that he brought your parents and I together in order to give you the best life possible.

But back to your birthday!! Well, half birthday...I'm still celebrating because for babies, you get to enjoy each and every month. :) So much has happened in the last six months--you are a proud stander already! Last time we came to visit, you wanted to stand the whole time; it was so cute. You are also getting better at hand-eye coordination and you have found your feet, which you can easily bring up to your mouth.

Your adoption was finalized on December 11! That was such a big day for all of us. I was able to go into the court room and be with your family as everything was finalized. Your mom cried and your dad tried not to, but he's a softy when it comes to your mom. It was so beautiful and it just created such a peace in my heart. I know that they are the perfect parents for you and they love you so much--they've been praying for you for so long. I hope you never forget how much they love you and care for you.

I'm so excited because my mom and I will be coming to see you on Wednesday this week!! I can't wait to hold you and hear your sweet giggle!!

I love you, baby girl!

xoxo

Dear Charlie

Dear Charlie,

Today is a big day for you because today your adoption will be finalized. As your first mommy, I'm struggling with a mix of emotions going into this day. Though there is some sadness as I awoke this morning, I am more overjoyed and excited for you. I've been tossing and turning all week, knowing that this day was coming but as I've prayed and re-lived this last year of my life with you, I feel content. I know that you are also very content.

You don't know it yet, but you are such a happy, easy going and sweet baby. You smile often, grab fingers tightly, squeak and squeal in the most adorable way and your giggle lights up a room (and my heart.) Your new mommy and daddy give you lots of kisses and play silly games with you. Your daddy loves kissing you so much that he shaved his manly beard off just so your soft skin wouldn't get irritated! One time I was helping your new mommy change your diaper and she gave you kisses all over your face and then snorted and you laughed like it was the funniest thing you'd ever seen. Moments like that make my heart so happy!

So today, Uncle Andre' and I are going to drive over to see you and go to the court house with your new family! This is so exciting! It's also a bit nerve wracking because I haven't met any of them yet...but I feel like I know them already, because we all have been loving you this entire time. We are connected by you, sweet angel. You have brought all of us so much joy and you don't even know it yet.

After today, your name will no longer legally be Charlie Yvette Paulson. You know, when I was pregnant with you, I didn't know if I should choose a name for you...I didn't know if I could allow myself to bond like that with you, knowing that one day I would be placing your for adoption. However, I am so glad that I did. Choosing a name for you made me love you so much more and even though you only had that name for 5 1/2 months, it means something to me. I hope one day, you will find it special as well.

One good thing about your parents is that I LOVE the name they have chosen to give you for the rest of your life! I think it is absolutely beautiful and the meaning behind it is close to my heart, just as it is close to their hearts. They had several names they were thinking about, all of which had special meanings, but the one they ended up choosing was my favorite.

I can't wait to see you today, little girl! And I feel so blessed and honored to continue to be a part of your life. I look forward to seeing you grow, learn, love and spread joy to everyone you meet. You will always be in my heart, and a part of my heart will always be with you. God has truly blessed both of us. I want you to know that God is so good, faithful, merciful and loving. I don't know if I would be able to make all of the decisions I have without God behind me. You are from God and I know that you will be protected by Him for your entire life.

A sweet soul had to remind me of this, and I hope you remember this your entire life: Jesus was also adopted. Jesus was raised by two wonderful parents and He loved them so dearly. He also remained close to His Father, God. I'm starting to think that they had the first open adoption. I hope you know just how much you are loved by God, myself, your parents and all of the family that you are now a part of.

I love you forever and ever.

XOXO, Mom

Why She Will Always Be My Daughter

So I received an e-mail from someone I don't know who told me that I should not refer to myself as a mother and I should stop calling Charlie my daughter. They stated that because I chose to give up my rights and "give her up" for adoption, I shouldn't be able to call her my daughter anymore. It was short and direct, but I would like to publicly respond to that e-mail because I feel like perhaps I could shed some light on why I refuse to call Charlie anything but my daughter.

I know and understand that I signed a document to terminate my parental rights for Charlie. I know that on December 11, 2014 the adoption will be finalized. I know that on paper, she is now the daughter of two other wonderful parents. I know that these parents will call her their daughter and I LOVE hearing them do so. I know that Charlie will grow up calling them mommy and daddy and I look forward to hearing her do so.

What I also know is that this child came from me. I am a mother who made the best and hardest choice for my child. She will always be my daughter. The fact that someone would expect me to refer to her as anything other than that is weird to me.

I will admit that reading that e-mail was hurtful and caused my heart to go through all of the emotions that I have had to work through since the moment I found out I was pregnant with her. So to whoever wrote it, I forgive you. You obviously don't understand what adoption is like and you clearly don't know me personally. What I know is that if my heart is big enough to see outside of my own desires to raise my perfect little child and instead do what is in her best interest, that same heart is big enough to endure whatever bullshit  bull-honky you send my way.

I hope that people understand that open adoption is much more complex than just some legal documents. The legal portion of this only puts the adoption itself into terms and does nothing regarding the "open" portion of things. The relationship that I have with her parents and her is purely based off of our mutual understand of the importance of me remaining a part of her life and the fact that we all love this little girl so much. There is not a document that they had to sign to guarantee me visits with Charlie. That was all verbal and required a lot of trust between the three of us.

I don't know what our future looks like or what our relationships will flourish into, but what I do know is that Charlie will forever be my beautiful daughter and I still love her and cherish my time with her, just as any mother does. I am a mother. Charlie's adoptive mom is also a mother. Children are capable of loving more than just one parent, right? So why is it so hard to think that she could find love for her parents and myself? I come from divorced parents who both remarried....I love all of them. They all take up important spots in my heart and I care about what they think of me. Humans are completely capable of loving many people, isn't that wonderful?!

I hope this wasn't too ramble-y or random, but I just wanted to get my heart emptied about this e-mail because it has been weighing on me.

By the way-look how adorable and precious MY DAUGHTER is!

xoxo

So It Happened...

I've been meaning to write this post since my last visit to see Charlie but I've been so busy with the holidays and work, I'm just now finding the time to put this out there. Oh, and this post is mainly for any birth mom's who may be reading this...but obviously I'm happy for anyone to read and go through this experience with me. :)

So at our last visit, Charlie finally hit that phase where she gets nervous and shy around people she doesn't recognize. When we walked in, she was a little overwhelmed and started to cry a little bit. Luckily her mom was holding her and when I hugged her mom, she sort of realized that I was an OK person. Within 5 minutes she was happy in my arms and we cuddled the rest of the time we shared together.

I had mentally prepared myself for that moment and so that helped to lessen the sting of her not recognizing me. But it still does bring me a tinge of sadness that she is only going to recognize her new parents for awhile. I wish that I could be the face she wakes up to and goes to sleep with. I wish that it was my arms she reached for when she is scared. I wish that she only felt safe when she knows I am around.

Someday, I hope to be someone she can talk to and feel safe with...it just may take some time to get to that point. She's just a baby after all....just an innocent, precious, carefree child that has no idea what her life has been like up to this point. She only knows this moment and the people who are in front of her day in and day out. And that's OK.

The things that I know are constant in her life include a multitude of people who love her fiercely. That is all that I could want for my daughter....she is loved and cared for by so many people. It's so funny that in the beginning of all of this, all I focused on were the two parents who would be raising her...when in reality, she got two entire families to love her! That's in addition to my family. It's almost unfair how much love she has! I can't wait for the day she realizes just what that means for her...I hope her heart will always be full.

xoxo