An Update...

When you're in the midst of carrying a child, your mind can only handle a certain amount of information/thoughts/feelings/worries/etc. That was very true for me and my pregnancy; I could only see the impact this would have on me and I didn't have the emotional capability of thinking about life after she was born. I'm of the belief that it is probably a good thing that I wasn't burdened by more than I was because I doubt I could have handled all of it. I think God has a way of protecting us from ourselves sometimes....I'm glad He was watching out for me back then.

However, here we are now...almost four months after Charlie was born and I'm dealing with the aftermath. It's hard. I don't know if there's a word that can actually explain what I feel...I guess hard is as close to is as I will get. But I just want to be clear that when I say this is hard, that does NOT mean I regret anything or that I am second guessing myself. I'm simply saying that this part of the adoption process is hard.

I also want to acknowledge that this is really hard for other people in my life; my mom in particular. Every day I get photos from Charlie's mom and I have been instructed to immediately forward them onto my mom. I, of course, love sending the photos to my mom because we both cherish this baby so much. My mom was with me the entire time I was in the hospital and she was the first person to hold Charlie. She loves this little girl so much....and so for her, she is learning how to deal with watching her first biological grandchild being raised by someone else. We have moments where we both just get teary eyed looking at pictures of her...and I can't tell you how many times my mom will say, "I just can't wait to hold her again." This just makes my heart break for my mom...I know exactly how she is feeling. Going 4-6 weeks without seeing Charlie is miserable. But those few hours of being with her are so awesome!

I've scheduled a fun visit for everyone in my family to see her in November and we are all really excited! This is the kind of stuff that helps get us through...knowing that we have a visit to look forward to helps so much. I have it on my planner with a big red heart around it!

Another thing that is helping me process and move forward is that I am making advances in my own life. When I got pregnant, it was like my world was put on hold. I moved back in with my parents and my world revolved around this child. Now it's like I have to re-learn how life goes. I've moved out of my parents and I'm working a really great job. I bought a new car and I'm just focusing on bettering myself. I've started to take anti depression medication again, but I refuse to feel bad about that. I needed some help in balancing myself out and I'm choosing to get that help. That is a good thing.

I'm really actually quite happy in my life. I know that I did the right thing when it came to choosing to carry and give life to Charlie. I know that I chose an amazing set of parents for her and I am excited for her adoption to be finalized. She is so much a part of my life and I think about her every day...I have her pictures all over my phone and I use them as a slide show on my computer at work. But I'm also learning how to live on my own again. To be in healthy relationships and to make sure I'm OK.

This post wasn't really about anything in particular, I guess....just more of an update on everything.

 Here's my cutie pie in her first pair of jeans! Look how big she is getting! She definitely will be a tall lady!

xoxo

Building Relationships with the Adoptive Parents

One of the most crucial parts of having an open adoption is the relationship you build with the parents you are choosing for your child. It's something that will be ongoing, but it is the one relationship that will help make your relationship with your child the best that it can be.

Obviously the first step in building this is choosing the parents. I was fortunate in that I only met one set of parents and I fell in love with them from day one. I actually kinda loved them before I met them because their book meant to much to me. Later when I told them how much I enjoyed their book/story, they told me they were actually thinking about changing their book! I'm so glad I got the original. I actually still have their book and keep it safe with a bunch of other keepsakes I've got saved for Charlie.

While you're meeting the parents for the first time, there are a lot of things to consider. You must protect yourself and your heart, of course, but you also want to protect their hearts as well. This is a two way street and a lot of times the parents feel like the birthmom holds all the cards. What is interesting is that I actually felt the opposite. I wanted them to agree to raise my daughter so badly, I didn't want them to say no because they didn't like me or something. Looking back I see that I was being silly in my thinking....they wanted a child and they loved me before they even met me just for considering them as parents.

That's another thing-the word considering is going to be the most overused term before you give birth. My adoption agency works really hard to protect all parties involved, so I wasn't actually able to say that I was choosing them as parents, or even that I was choosing adoption. I was merely considering everything. This is so that I don't feel coerced into doing it, as well as protecting the parents from getting their hearts overly invested. We all were working to avoid any sort of heartbreak in the event that I would choose to parent Charlie.

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So anyway....while everyone's timeline will be different, here are just a few things to keep in mind while you work to build this extremely important relationship....

1. Remember who you are doing this for: your child. This baby has got to remain your focus because they are the most important person in this entire thing. Love them enough to work at making your time with these new parents wonderful.

2. Always be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. In my mind, these two people are an extension of my family. I love them like family and I treat them as such. Trust and honesty are the foundation for any relationship. If that trust is broken, you have nothing.

3. Understand that this is hard for both of you. Both parties are putting themselves out there; this is not a commonality and there's no rule book for how it should go. Everyone feels very vulnerable and that's OK. Refer to rule number #1 for a confidence boost.

4. Whatever you say or do, say and do it in love.

5. If you have questions or concerns at any point, ask your adoption agency. They do this for a living and I promise you they have been asked just about everything before. They have answers and if they don't, they'll find one for you.

6. Don't feel pressured to have "talking points" at every meeting with the potential parents. Let the conversation happen naturally, you'll learn so much more about these people and truly get a sense of what they are like by doing so. I loved watching Charlie's parents interact with each other; they reminded me so much of my parents. That is one of the reasons I chose them....I just felt so comfortable with them.

7. Be prepared to cry. A lot. This is a really hard process, you're pregnant and you have emotions. It's OK. They will cry a lot, too. There is a lot of emotion that goes into the adoption process and it can be overwhelming at times. That's where rule #4 will come in handy.

8. If you need it, bring your support group/person/people/lamp/shirt/bra/whatever with you. For me, it was my parents. They were with me at all but 2 meetings with Charlie's parents. They were such a comfort to have with me...however, be aware that by bringing people into this, they will also become emotionally invested in the parents/baby. This will be hard for them as well.

9. When you are in the hospital and have had your child, you call the shots. You need to know where you are at emotionally and if you can handle/want the potential parents there. I thought it would be great for them to be there, but seeing them hold Charlie for the first time was like a knife in my heart. Looking back, I wish I would have waited and slowed my way into that. So please, don't feel pressured to do anything. This is your time with your baby. Cherish that.

10. When all else fails, refer to rule #1. This child will be one of the best things that ever happens to you; I promise you that. Adoption is hard and the process is long and stressful, but that child is nothing be love, awesomeness and joy. All of this pain you are feeling right now will be smacked in the face with the intense joy you get when you see their face for the first time. There is nothing like it.

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I hope these ideas/thoughts help anyone who may be going through this same thing. If you have questions or want to know more about my story, don't hesitate to email me.

xoxo

Oh, What a Difference a Year Can Make

So today is the first of October! I love October for a few reasons; I ADORE this autumn weather in Iowa, I have quite a fondness for Halloween and most importantly, my birthday is this month! I will be 26 this year and I am super excited to have been blessed with another great year of life.

As I reflect back on what this last year has been like, I realize that it was around this time last year that I found out I was pregnant with Charlie. I think back to the emotions and thoughts I was having at this time and I can't believe how much my life has changed since then. If I'm being completely honest with myself (and all of you readers) I must admit that my life was not what it should have been a year ago. I put myself into situations that allowed people to take advantage of me and ended up causing myself and the people I care the most about a lot of pain. Luckily for all of us, this pain ended up turning into joy and things worked out. But it took a lot to get us to this point. 

When you first start visiting the OB when you are pregnant, they have you take this test to evaluate where you are at mentally and emotionally. I just like to call it the "Depression Test." I took this test several times throughout the pregnancy and even had to take it at my 6 week post-pardum check up. The first time I took it, I apparently flagged myself for some serious concern. As I handed the paper back to my nurse, she asked me if these answers were accurate. I agreed that they were indeed very accurate and taking the evaluation made me realize that I really was dealing with some depression. 

They followed that test with some more verbal questions and I was shocked that I was able to answer honestly. The one question that scared me the most was when she asked if I had any thoughts of hurting myself or ending my life. Sadly, my answer was yes. I was in such a darkness with everything that was going on, I thought it would be better for everyone if I just made this whole thing go away, including myself. I've never had serious thoughts of this before in my life and it scared me that I was now. It was like I knew it was wrong to do something like that, but I couldn't see outside of my own situation enough to forget the other negative thoughts. 

After having that conversation with the doctor, they put me on some anti-depression meds (yes they were safe for baby) and it started to help. I think it also helped that I started making plans and taking action on behalf of Charlie. I was preparing for her birth and trying to set up a life for her that I wanted her to have. All of these things helped make me feel like I wasn't the worst person on the planet. 

So again, as I reflect on the last year and all that has happened, I am simply amazed at how God has truly provided the love, grace and mercy through what I refuse to call a "trial," but rather a mountain that I had to climb. Climbing mountains isn't a bad thing, in fact some crazy people do it for fun. (I'll never understand that, I'm quite content here on the ground.) But there is this song called, "For Every Mountain" that I grew up listening to and my favorite singer in the world, Mary Heaberlin (who I hope sees this) sings all the time around the churches in Des Moines. The song talks about how we have so much to be thankful for, how there are blessings and open doors that God provides us every day. And that it is only after we have gotten over these mountains in our lives that we can truly see all of these great blessings and mercies. That is exactly how this last year of my life has been. 

I couldn't see the good a year ago, but I am overwhelmed with it now. Charlie is nothing but GOOD. She is amazing and her chunky little legs make me about the happiest mama in the world. I adore her and the life she is going to have on this earth. I think most moms would never want their children to experience these mountains in life because they can be so difficult to get over, but I pray that Charlie does have her own mountains to face. She will have so much support, just like I did, to get over them and then she will be able to see the glory of what God has planned for her. God has already brought her through so much and she doesn't even know it yet. While I pray for these mountains to cross Charlie's path, I also pray that she has the strength and faith enough to overcome them. That is what I'm sure my parents were praying for me this last year (and probably my whole life) and luckily, I did. I know that Charlie will also have parents who pray for her faith, too. 

So basically what I'm saying is, life can be challenging sometimes but DO NOT give up on life. Life is so beautiful and it is worth living. It is worth protecting. I value life today more than I ever thought was possible. I want all lives to be lived and cherished. And when I think about it, life is so short. I've only been here 25 years, but I know that life can change or end for me very quickly. I want to make the most of it while I have it still. I hope you will do the same. 

xoxo

A Note About Him

So I've had some people ask me about the father of Charlie and how he has played into this story. I don't want to dwell or spend very much time on him because I still have a lot of negative feelings towards him, even now. I don't want to write anything on this blog that I will regret or that is said in anger. So I'm going to be brief and factual about him.

He knows that a child resulted in the events that took place that night. He chose to not be an active member/player in the choices made during my pregnancy. He continues to make stupid choices with his life, so I feel like it's a good thing that he wasn't involved with anything. He was served papers to come to court in order to at least have a chance at being a part of Charlies life and he never showed.

He is a coward.

Despite the anger and hurt that I feel, I mostly just feel bad for him. He is missing out on such a wonderful, amazing and extraordinary girl. He will have to live with this forever. I don't think he'll truly grasp the reality of this whole thing until he has children of his own. Seeing your child for the first time is life changing. He missed that with Charlie. He missed her first breaths of life, her first cries, her first noises, her first smile, her first everything. He will miss everything with her. How sad is that?

I also grieve for Charlie. I know that she will, one day, want to know who he is and why he isn't around. I dread the day when I will have to tell her the whole story. Luckily, that time is years and years from now, so I'm not going to dwell on it. I just plan on loving her every moment of her life.

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Everyone's story is different. I want to acknowledge the fact that many fathers who are faced with the difficult decisions involved with an unplanned pregnancy do stand by the mother and become part of the solution. I imagine that it would be quite difficult for a father to create an adoption plan, just as it is difficult for the mother. But for those men who make the right decision, I thank you. I wish more people could be like you. So again, thank you.

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As I said before, I don't want to write any of this post with anger in my heart because I do value him for one thing: He helped me make Charlie. She wouldn't have come into my life, into her new parents lives, without him. Granted a very small part of him was needed, but nonetheless, he helped. I would go through everything again if it meant getting to have her in my life. I don't regret anything when it comes to her. She is worth it all. Creating life is worth it all.

xoxo

What Not To Say About Adoption...

I am so happy that I am able to share my story and help educate people on what adoption, open adoption, and what being a birth mom is like. I have been able to actually share my heart and not feel like it's this big secret that no one can know about. Ultimately, it's just been a relief and I feel like I can just be myself because I have no secrets.

Since I started sharing my story and opening up about Charlie and my relationship, I have been able to have a lot of great conversations with friends and even people I have just met about it. While I know that open adoption is a relatively new concept, and talking about placing your child with two other people to care for her is a little bit uncomfortable to talk about, I just want to educate you on what NOT to say to people involved with adoption.

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There seems to still be this stigma related with adoption that I just cannot tolerate and I need to make myself very clear: The reason I placed Charlie with her adoptive parents was NOT because I didn't want her. If I hear anyone ever say that moms give their children up because they didn't want them, I will seriously go ballistic on you. What would be even worse would be to hear someone tell a child that their parents didn't want them and that's why they are adopted.

PEOPLE: ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!!

I want Charlie so bad it breaks my heart every day. I LOVE her more than she will possibly know...at least not until she has children of her own. That is the only way she could understand the love a mother has for her children. The idea of letting her go to these other parents was heart breaking, but I knew that it was the right thing. I wanted her to have all that they could offer her. I couldn't give her a father, a home, stability, etc. What is amazing is that the things that I could offer her, like love, grace, advice, cuddles...I still get to give her those things. She will always get that from me. So please-don't question my desire to "keep" her.

I did keep her when I chose to give her life.

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Another thing that bothers me is the wording that is given to adoption. I did not "give her up." I placed her with two parents who will be adopting her. I literally chose these two human beings for her. I did not make that choice lightly and I have no regrets about the parents I gave to her. I love them so much and they love her and I just as much.

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One question that is, to me, a silly question....it almost makes me laugh, actually: Was it hard?

Was it hard? Um. YES. It was hard. It was hard for everyone in my family. It still is hard. It's even hard for the adoptive parents. They struggle with feelings of guilt, like they took this child away from me. There will be hard parts of this whole thing for our entire lives. There is no doubt that adoption, from all aspects, is hard. OBVIOUSLY. I just pray that God will grant all of us enough love and grace for each other so that we can move through these "hard" moments and continue to do everything that is in the best interest of Charlie. She was not hard. She was the best part of all of this.

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Finally, one thing I wish had never happened to me was an encounter with a complete stranger while I was still pregnant with Charlie. I was maybe 25 weeks along at this point. I was still working at Lane Bryant and was helping a customer in her dressing room when we realized we were both pregnant. It was exciting at first because we could share stories about how our pregnancies were going, but when I started talking about how I was making an adoption plan for her, she decided she would offer me some "woman to woman" advice. What she said next will forever haunt me and it still makes me sick. She told me that she once found herself with an unplanned pregnancy a couple of years ago. She didn't find out until she was about 20 weeks along, and she thought about keeping it, but ended up googling ways to force a miscarriage. She gave me the specifics of how to do it and suggested that I do the same because doing adoption would be so much harder. As she was speaking to me, I literally felt myself getting woozy, light headed, sweaty and most of all, nauseous. I had to run to the bathroom to make it to a toilet in time.

Was this lady for real?! She just told me how to kill my child. The child that I had just been to the doctor to see. The child I had picked a name for. The child I was already madly in love with.

So for those of you who think you may know what's "best" for women who find themselves with an unexpected pregnancy, don't even start. If you support a woman's choice to do what she wants with her body, then let her make her own choices.


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Well that pretty much sums it up....if I come across anything else, I'll be sure to add it to this blog.

Basically, a good rule of thumb when talking about adoption is to do so in love. Let your words be spoken with a positive spirit because it deserves to be a positive occasion. Adoption is beautiful. Really, really beautiful. Lets start to make it that way.

xoxo

Today Is A Big Day!

So today is a pretty important day in the adoption process for our little Charlie. In order for her new parents to be able to pursue adoption, my and the father's parental rights had to be terminated. I signed a document several weeks ago in order to terminate mine, but because the father has not been an active participant in any of this, they had to summon him to court. That court hearing was today, and (shocker) he didn't show up, so the judge is then allowed to sign over his rights for him. So now that we have moved passed this hurdle, the new parents can officially start the adoption process!

I was so excited to get this news today, I immediately wrote a little message to the mom and shared my joy for her and their family. She was crying tears of joy and relief as she had also heard the news. It really is so beautiful to see how excited and happy they are to be given the opportunity to raise this beautiful little girl. She will soon become part of their family forever and I am so excited for them, but more importantly, I'm excited for Charlie. She has such amazing parents in these two people and will have a truly beautiful life ahead of her.

Little Charlie is starting to really take in the world...in the pictures I get, she seems to really be looking around and observing what a wonderful place God has created for us. She has also been more smiley and seems to be developing quite a personality! She loves people and being social...her mom was telling me that they had friends over the other night and Charlie wouldn't go to sleep until after they had left. She's like me that way...doesn't want to miss all the fun! Can't blame her, she's so loved by all of her new family and friends. Who wouldn't want to spend time with them?

Well, here's to the beginning of a wonderful, rich, blessed and loving life for you, sweet baby girl. Wherever your heart may take you, I will always be there. I love you so much! Can't wait until you are able to really understand just how much I love you!!

 

xoxo

Two Months of a Beautiful Life

Happy two month birthday, sweet baby Charlie! I am having a hard time comprehending the idea that you entered the world just a short two months ago! So much has happened in your life and I love seeing how much you've grown. You've recently started smiling and I love seeing your eyes sparkle with joy. It melts my heart and reminds me every day why I did what I did. 

I still have moments of extreme sadness, but I can still find joy when I think about what a wonderful life you will have. We have started the period of time where I will do monthly visits instead of weekly. I wish I could hold you and give you a million kisses on this special day. Well, I wish I could do that every day. But you better believe I'm sending you so much love and happiness today! I thank God for you every day and pray that He will continue to work and move in your life. 

You know He has been watching and caring for you from the moment you were conceived. Actually, even before that. I believe He has such a wonderful and amazing life prepared for you! I think He has chosen you to change lives; you already have changed mine and you don't even know it yet! :) 

But for today, enjoy being a beautiful, loved and smiley little baby. You are really good at that! 

I love you.

Xoxo