How Do We Act When Faced With Negativity?

On Thursday of last week, I made a simple comment on a post that showed adoptive parents meeting their daughter for the first time. It was so touching to me and brought back the memories I have of seeing Charlie's parents holding her for the first time. I just felt compelled to comment and shared just a small portion of my story as a birth mother.

On Friday morning, my comment had over 2,000 likes and over 50 comments. In fact, my phone died over night because there were so many notifications coming through. I tried my best to read every comment and show my appreciation for all of the kind words I was receiving. After all, the original post was not even about me...I didn't intend to take away attention from the beautiful moment that was being shared.

However, as the weekend progressed...more and more likes were given but I also received more and more comments. Eventually, some of those comments became rude and negative...Some people couldn't understand how anyone could "give away" their baby. Some people noted that "if you can't raise your baby, then you shouldn't have one." And some were even under the impression that "poor white girls like me were just being used by rich white women to get babies."

This is the subtle/g-rated version of what I was reading. And I have to admit that for a minute, those few negative comments quickly overwhelmed all of the positive ones I was getting. How sad is that? But so true to how humans operate...we will focus on the negative much more than we focus on the positive. I was instantly outraged by these comments and wanted to write back and speak about how wrong they were. They were speaking as if they knew me and were so quick to judge me. How dare they?

What I had to work through was the fact that these people did NOT know me. Like I said, I only shared a small portion of my story, which could leave many of the question marks unanswered. Of course they would fill in with their own answers, which would lead them to their own opinions. Even if those opinions were nasty.

So how do we respond? How does a Christian react to such harsh judgements and rude commentary? How does a woman who is still quite vulnerable in her choices made about her daughter answer to these people? She speaks with love. I respond with truth, love and humility. I don't know everyone else's story, just like they don't know mine. So for me to judge them as rude/mean/negative humans is not my job either. We have to rise above what we are reading and remember that our own lives are just that...ours.

This is my life. This is my daughters life. I know that what I chose for my daughter and for myself was the best thing I could have done. No one can tell me otherwise. Nobody forced me into this decision, I was fully aware of what I was doing. In fact, I didn't even make this final decision until three weeks after she was born. I had come to terms with what I was giving up as a parent, but also what I was gaining for both my daughter and I. We would both come out of this thing with the best. And that is what we both deserved.

So from one birth mom to all of the other moms out there, lets stop breaking down each other. We all know what the love of a mother feels like. Placing Charlie in another woman's arms was the most heart breaking thing I've ever gone through. It still pains me to even think about that moment. But as time has gone by, I feel more and more joy. The sadness and pain seem to diminish because I feel nothing but peace about my decision. When I see Charlie smile and giggle, I know that she is so happy! She clings to her new mommy for safety, comfort and love. And as much as I wish it were me she were clinging to, I'm so happy to see her bonded with her new mom.

Someday, I will have more children....and when I do, it'll be so special. I know what it's like to leave the hospital empty handed...but the next time, I will come home with the love and joy of a child. I will come home from the hospital with my husband and with a room ready for this new life we will have created together. We will have planned for this child...we will both want this child. There will be no shame, pain, abuse or fear in the making of this child. Things will happen the way God intended them to.

And for that, I am beyond blessed. I am blessed to have Charlie in my life. I am blessed to be able to share this story with others. I am blessed to spread knowledge about open adoption. I am blessed to have a beautiful and supportive family. I am blessed to be a child of God.

Now someone tell me there isn't love here in this adoption. Just look at this sweet little face! 

xoxo

What Will Distance Do To Us?

Hi baby girl,

I probably need to stop calling you that now that you're one. But to me, you'll always be my little baby girl. So just get used to that. :)

This is a blog I've been dreading to write, but I know it has to happen. Right now there is only about an hour and a half drive between us and I love it. You are near enough that I could get to you pretty quickly but far enough that you and your parents have space to be your own family. But recently at work, I was given a promotion and offered a relocation. This all came with much excitement, but the minute they said relocation, you were the first person I thought about.

They want me to move to Ohio, which is where my company is headquartered. There is a lot of opportunity for my career advancement out there, but it's so far from you and from everyone/everything I've ever known here in Iowa. Plus, it's not even warm! I'm just moving from one snowy state to another! Hmph.

There will soon be 10 hours between us. 600+ miles of distance to travel in order to see eachother face to face. When I was at your house last weekend, it was so hard to imagine what that will be like. I love seeing you, holding you, playing with you and laughing with you. You bring me more joy than I can even put into words! But what I also know is that I want you to be proud of me...I want you to know that I didn't stop going for my dreams and goals. What happened to me could have crippled me and my life, but because of you I want to do more and be a better person. This job and next step in my life is just that. It is more and will make me a better person.

Because I chose adoption, it allows me to return to the life I had started before I was blessed with you in my tummy. So I hope that by me moving away and pursuing bigger and better things, you know that nothing can stop you from being amazing. You can make choices to better yourself and to push yourself to be more. And that is what I'm intending to do.

As for you and me...We will FaceTime and every time I come back home, I will always make a visit to see you. You are my family. Your parents are my family. So seeing you is as much of a priority as seeing my mom and dad is. And I know that the love I have for you is strong enough that you will feel it wherever we may be.

Love you,

Ashley

xoxo

Happy 1st Birthday!!

So the day is here!! Your very first birthday! I can't believe you are one year old today....this year has flown by! And you are just as amazing today as you were the first day I saw your sweet face. It's been amazing to see how you've grown, learned, advanced, discovered and taken this life by storm. You are such a happy, carefree and joyous little girl...so full of wonder and curiosity about everyone and everything. It's so amazing to know that you have changed so many lives in just your short life! Even people you don't know are inspired by you and your life has changed how they view adoption and open adoption. How amazing is that??

One year ago, I woke up from probably the worst sleep I've ever had...I knew that I was going to have to stop keeping you all to myself and start sharing you with this world. My dad let me sleep in my parents bed with my mom..I think partially because I couldn't get comfortable with you in my tummy and partially because he knew I just needed my mom. That night I woke up several times crying and my mom would just hold me until I fell back to sleep.

The next day we woke up early to be at the hospital by 8 am. I was scheduled to go into surgery to have you delivered at 10 am. But apparently the hospital had other plans...we didn't end up going into surgery until about 2 pm! So you can imagine I was feeling pretty anxious having to wait an extra four hours! But we finally got down to the special room for c-section deliveries and 37 minutes later, you were here! I can't put into words how amazing it was to finally see you and hear your sweet cries. Once the nurses finished checking your vitals and measuring you, my mom was the first one to hold you. She brought you over to me, since I was still tied to this table and being closed up. I remember smiling so big my lip split open! I didn't even care though...you just made me so happy.

Once we got out of surgery, my dad was in my room waiting for us. He was also pretty smitten with you once he got to hold you! We spent those first few hours just enjoying you...and you spent those first few hours just sleeping. Being pulled out of my tummy must have been exhausting for you! You were so beautiful and just..perfect. I know every mom says that about their babies, but I have it on good authority that you were the cutest baby in the nursery. You just had this perfect fair skin, a little flush in your cheeks, and big beautiful blue eyes. You came out just the way God created you and that is perfect.

You were 7 pounds and 6.8 ounces big, 19 inches long. All ten fingers and all ten toes were where they were supposed to be. Your lungs and heart and mind were all in working order. You had quite the high pitched cry! (A singer, no doubt) And you fit perfectly in my arms. And you always will, sweet baby girl. No matter how old you are, I will always cherish holding you.

This last year has been amazing, Charlie. So much has happened, and there's still so much more that will happen! I just hope you know that no matter your age, the distance between us, what happens in my life or what happens in your life, I will love you relentlessly. Nothing in this world will ever change that.

Happy birthday!! Can't wait to see what this next year brings!!

xoxo

Happy Birthmom's Day To Me!!

What does it mean to be a mom? What does it mean to be a birth mom? These are questions and identities that I have struggled with over the last 10+ months and while I still probably don't have the correct or perfect answer, I can tell you what it means to me.

First of all, the only reason we feel compelled to place labels like mom or birth mom on people in a situation involving adoption is purely to help other people, and most importantly the child, identify correctly with each person. I find value in this mainly for my daughter because I want her to call her adoptive mom, Mom. Nothing more and nothing less. Just Mom. I am also her mom, but I play a different type of mom role. I gave her life and made the first, most important decision of her life for her. While legally I signed my rights over to her new parents, I still feel such a strong tie to her and I will never stop feeling like her mom. I just have to take a back seat from now on and let her new mommy make all of the other big decisions for awhile.

Being a mom and being a birth mom are synonymous in my situation, but for the sake of everyone, I will happily accept the label of birth mom. Because not everyone gets to be a birth mom. I feel beyond lucky and so blessed that I was given the opportunity to carry Charlie and give her life. God has truly been good to me. :)

So the other neat thing about being Charlie's birth mom is that I get to celebrate today, a day ahead of Mother's Day! I get a whole day just to relish in the fact that I have a beautiful, goofy, smiley, brave and gap-toothed child in my life who I can still hold, laugh with, enjoy and love. I may not get to spend this time with you, but I will be thinking of you a lot today, baby girl.

In my particular adoption story, I feel joy for Charlie's new mommy and the fact that she will be celebrating her first Mother's Day tomorrow. In the last couple of years, Mother's Day had been a reminder to her that she had lost her two babies long before she could ever hold them. I can't imagine what it would feel like to completely lose a piece of your heart like that. So now that she has Charlie to love and cherish, she will be able to embrace the entire day because she is a MOM! It's also pretty exciting because Charlie will be getting dedicated tomorrow at church. One more reason I so love her parents...they promised me to raise her in a home filled with Christ's love. This was probably the most important thing to me when deciding who should raise my baby. So far, they are nailing it on the head!

As a child, you always plan a big surprise or wonder what gift to give your mommy on this special day that recognizes her. It feels so funny to me now because, as a mom, I don't want anything else. I already have the best gift I have ever received. No other gift compares. So I say to my own mother, now I understand that you really meant it when you said we didn't need to get you anything, you just wanted to spend time with us. I can't believe I can understand the love you have for me, finally. That is some serious stuff! When I know how much I love Charlie...to think that someone in this world loves me that much, too? It is enough to make my heart grow three times. :)

So to all the mommies, birth moms, adoptive moms, surrogate mothers, and everyone in between, Happy Mothers Day. You deserve it. Enjoy this time! But remember, every day of your life will forever be another day of blessing with the sweet child you have in your life.

 xoxo

Change Happens

So, I just realized I haven't posted on here for almost two months! And a lot has happened in those two months....things change all the time and this is a lesson I am learning to accept. Even when we aren't ready for change, or as much as we may fight to avoid change, it is inevitable.

Charlie-one day you will start to learn how valuable this lesson in life is. But I know that you will have a strong and resilient heart, which will help you adapt to what this beautiful life will throw at you. My parents have always said if I am anything, I am resilient. I used to not really care about this trait, but as I've grown older, it is something I cling to. My life has not gone the way I ever imagined it would, but you never know your own strength until you are required to be strong. That is something I know for sure.

My sweet girl is almost 10 months old!! You have four little baby teeth and your top two teeth have a little gap between them. It's adorable and you might also fancy to know that my mother was gap-toothed growing up. Her dad fixed it by wrapping a rubber band around them every night until the gap was closed. And to this day, she still has the most beautiful, straight teeth I've ever seen.You are also on the brink of walking...you never even figured out crawling, you just went for the gold and started stomping around.

In my life, I've experienced a few exciting things and a few hard things recently. I met a guy shortly after you were born and he was amazing. He knew about you and would let me cry when I missed you, looked at every picture I loved and took an interest in you and how you were doing. He was also very kind...he treated me well and was never disrespectful. We laughed a lot and he let me be myself, which made being with him so easy. I even fell in love with him. We dated for several months and it was great. But then when we started talking about a more serious future, I had to make a decision about what I wanted for my future and I ended up breaking up with him. We didn't agree on our faith and that is something I value highly. (Charlie, one of the reasons I chose your parents was their strong faith. I wanted that for you and I hope you love being surrounded by God's love all the time in your home as you grow. I had that, and I wouldn't change a thing.) It was really difficult to leave him because there was real love there, but it just wasn't right. I hope to remain friends with him because I cherish his laugh, humor, kind heart and the way he allowed me to grow into the person I am today.

So for now, I'm happy to focus on me. I know what I want and I hope that I can set an example for you...that it is never going to work if you give up something that is meaningful to you. Never sacrifice who you are for a "what if" situation, it's not fair to either of you. I know that God has a very special person already chosen for me and even for you! We just need to be patient and allow God to move in our lives. He'll take care of everything.

Anyway, we are coming to see you this Saturday!! I'm so excited!! This stretch between visits has been so hard, but also good for me. I have to get used to seeing you less as you grow. Once you turn one, we will probably start doing less frequent visits. This is for everyone's benefit. I have to learn to let go of parts of your life and your parents need to be able to just be your parents. I'll be like an aunt...a really, really cool aunt. :) It's a mixed bag, but you are at the center of every choice we make when it comes to this new and exciting adoption adventure. I hope you know how loved, cherished and special you are to me, sweet girl. Nothing will ever take your place in my heart.

Love you forever, xoxo

Happy 8 Month Birthday!!

So yesterday was your 8 month birthday, Charlie! Woah, time flies!! I was able to come visit you this last week and you have grown into such a strong, happy and smart little girl already. You took your first steps this last week but you do a lot better when you have someone helping you and holding your hands. You are super strong and have a grip that could break a finger...you just don't know your own strength yet! Oh, and you have two teeth that have cut through on your bottom gums! You're a lot bigger than most babies your age...your last doctors appointment verified that when they measured you at the size of a 13 month old. You're just going to be a tall pretty girl! :)

It's been so fun to see you every month as you've grown and very special to build a relationship with your parents as we have our little visits. They are truly some of the most remarkable people I have ever met. They are strong, devoted and more loving than most people you will encounter in this world. I love them so much and I am thankful they will be your example of love as you grow. You really seem to like them, too! At our last visit, we were playing on the floor together when your dad got home from work and you saw him and smiled so big! You were so happy to see him and it just melts my heart to see you loving your parents already.

As we continue to develop our adoption story, your mom and I are learning how to keep things healthy and normal for all of us, especially you. Your mom has been faithful in sending me at least one photo every day since you were born. That is incredible and it has helped me tremendously in my own healing process. But, by having her do that every day it felt like it sort of took away from her being able to fully focus on loving you and just being your mommy. Its also hard for me sometimes because I'll be living my every day life and then receive a picture of you, and its like my whole world stops because I want to relish that photo and just stare at it as long as I can. It's like I had to switch hats every day to feel like I was still giving you as much time and love as I need to. Your mom and I talked about it though, and we both agreed that it is healthy for both of us to just move to weekly photos. That way she can completely focus on you and I can have one awesome moment when I get those photos. I need to remember that even if I don't see a photo of you every day, it doesn't mean that you aren't on my mind and in my heart every day.

You know, I keep a photo of you right here on my desk at work, I have a picture of us together as my background on my computer and I have over 100 saved pictures on my phone of you! So I'm connected to you all the time and I can see you any time I want! :)

Well sweet baby girl, happy birthday! Can't wait to see you grow over the next month and see what other amazing things you will learn to do!! :)

xoxo

How Self Worth Happens

So this blog doesn't necessarily correlate directly to Charlie or the adoption, but I think it could be a valuable one for women who, like me, didn't/don't see themselves as worthy of genuine love. When I agreed to go out with the guy who became Charlie's birth dad, I just wanted him to like me. I didn't care what he liked about me, I just needed attention of some sort. And based on previous encounters I had with the opposite sex, I wasn't sure I was worth more than just my body. It's really hard for me to write this down but it's the truth.

I was reminded of this the other day when I ran into a guy who I had briefly dated the other day. He will forever be known as the guy who completely ruined my confidence and self worth for a solid chunk of time in my life. When I was dating him, it was all in secret...like he didn't want to be seen with me in public. And he wouldn't kiss me or anything, but he was willing to receive the physical attention I would give him. (Sorry mom and dad) When I finally asked him about this, he told me that he just wasn't attracted to me and that I was only really good for one thing. He didn't need him to elaborate on that "one thing" and I immediately left in tears. As I am reliving this, my heart breaks for the girl I used to be. I can't believe I allowed myself to be taken advantage of like that, let alone let someone else tell me I'm not attractive and believe it.

Needless to say, once I was in my car the other day after running into him, I immediately had to have a quick text convo with one of my closest friends who has been there for me through all of this. And though I didn't need to be told what an asshole he was, or to be reminded that I am beautiful, she was there with her quick wit and reassurance that I'm clearly better off now. It made me realize how far I've come from that young girl, crying in my car because I didn't think anyone could possibly love me. Today I can happily say that I am a beautiful person and I am beyond happy with my life and the choices I've made.

What inspired me to recant this tale is that I know there are countless other girls who fall into that same trap every day. I work with some of the most spectacular high school girls and it pains me to think that any of them could ever feel the way I felt about myself. It's so easy for us to believe lies and to even build them to bigger lies in our heads. It's not so easy to see the beauty that lies within all of us. I love being able to show and tell other people, boys and girls, what makes them so special and why they are completely worthy of love.

The biggest lesson I think in all of this comes from God. God has love for everyone, even if people sometimes don't feel worthy or love Him back. He's still got it. Regardless of what stupid mistakes I've made in my past, I know that I was only able to make the good choices, the hard choices, through His love and His example of what genuine love looks like. Sending your Son to die for us? I can't even imagine.

I also find strength through the people God has placed in my life. My mom and step-dad are the purest example of selfless, relentless, passionate and Christ-like love I have ever witnessed on this earth. They are incredible people to each other and to everyone they meet. Watching them work as husband and wife is something I will never be able to repay them for. The lessons they have taught my siblings and I about life and love are invaluable. Just the fact that my parents stood by me through my entire pregnancy and supported every decision I made is amazing. I know my mom and I were both looking for a way to take Charlie home with us from the hospital, but we knew it wasn't the best thing for her. They felt every heart break with me, but loved me through it.

It is these types of people who I receive my full cup of genuine love. In fact, my cup runneth over every day. Christ fills it, my family fills it, my friends fill it, I fill it and even Charlie fills it. I no longer need what that little girl crying in the car needs to feel worthy. Thank God for that.