Three Years Ago...

I'm sitting here in the living room of my home, in Columbus, with my wonderful husband and I can't help but think about how much my life has changed since this night three years ago.

Three years ago I was a 25 year old who was scared, unsure, nervous and unaware of what the next few days/weeks/years of her life would be like. I had no idea how difficult actually placing my child with a new family would be. I wasn't prepared for the amount of love I would feel for this child I would be bringing into the world. Speaking of bringing her into the world, I was not ready to share her with anyone else yet. It's crazy how slowly those nine months went at first, but then once it was almost over, it felt like I didn't have any time at all. The time I carried Charlie in my womb was truly the only time she was really all mine. Nobody could take her away from me and I liked it that way...probably because I knew that I would have to eventually give her to someone else and I hated that.

Let me be clear, I wish every day that I never had to place Charlie with another family. I still have dreams where everything was different leading up to her birth; that I wasn't raped and she was conceived in love, that I was with my husband and not a total stranger, that I was on my own and not still reliant on my parents to give me a place to live, that I had a job that paid the bills instead of barely making ends meat. So many things that could have been different that would allow me to keep her and raise her. But that just wasn't the situation. And I did what I had to do in order to make sure she had the life I knew she deserved. So while I wish that I never had to do the adoption, I am also so thankful that it was an option for me and my daughter. I am even more thankful to have the relationship I have with her parents. We genuinely love each other and being able to share in each other's joys and heartaches has been a huge part of my healing. They are truly incredible humans and my daughter is so lucky to have them as parents. (Baby girl--don't you ever forget that. You are SO LUCKY to have them. Also, your welcome for choosing them.)

So as I sit here, reflecting on the last three years and waiting for tomorrow when my baby will turn three, I can't help but be so thankful and in awe of what God has done in my life. What should have been a crippling event in my life actually ended up being the most amazing and inspiring part of my life. I have come a long way from that 25 year old girl. I can confidently say that I love who I am today and I'm proud of the now 28 year old woman I am.

So as my girl turns 3 tomorrow, I will smile and remember all those sweet moments when it was just us, smile when I remember the notes her parents gave me as we left the hospital together, smile as I remember all the visits and times I got to hold her, cuddle her, kiss her and play with her. I am so happy and impressed with the 3 year old she has become. She's amazing! She smiles, laughs, dances and brings joy to everyone she meets! She reminds me of myself at times, my brother at other times and my mom a lot of the time. She is silly, imaginative and creative. She's also a genius, I'm certain of it. I just love her to pieces.

So my sweet girl, happy almost three year old birthday!! Here's to another amazing year for you!! I will see you in just a couple weeks when we are back in Iowa. You will get to meet Casey for the first time! He's so excited to see you, but also nervous you won't like him. But you pretty much like everyone, so I don't think it'll be any  problem! :)

Xoxo 

When Love Takes Over

Well, it's happening. This very special man that I've been dating since last February has asked me to be his wife! This post is a little late, because he officially asked me on December 30th. It's been a crazy few weeks since then, which explains the delay in my blog.

I want to take a minute to explain why I'm putting this particular blog post on my adoption blog, because I know it has nothing to do with my daughter. What makes it important is that I hope with all of my heart that my daughter will be patient and hold her standards high as she waits for her perfect match. It has been such a long time that I've prayed for my husband and that God would prepare me and my heart for him in return. SO LONG. But I trusted God and I knew that He would work out all of the details for me.

When I think about trying to explain what it feels like to finally be with the person you are meant for, I suddenly realize that there aren't words deep enough to even attempt it. I have loved every minute of dating Casey; learning about his life, how he found faith, meeting his family, spoiling his little nieces, laughing at *almost* every joke he tells, smiling after every kiss he gives me, growing in our faith together, figuring out what makes him happy, figuring out what makes him not so happy, learning to trust him and most importantly falling so deep in love with him. The last several months have been filled with a lot of growth for both of us and to understand just how lucky I am to have him all to myself is humbling.

I truly can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. And this is something that, three years ago, I didn't know would happen for me. When I think back to how I felt about myself in that time of my life, I understand why God was holding out on me. I wasn't ready, and quite frankly, neither was Casey. Knowing everything that had to happen in both of our lives from then to now in order to make us meeting and falling in love happen...I can only give praise to God.

So, like I said...it's been a crazy few weeks since he got down on one knee! We started planning right away. After all, the wedding is in 8 months. AH! We also bought our first home together and that has been, and I'm certain will continue to be, quite a task. Who knew adulting was so exciting, but also so stressful?

All of this to say to my sweet child... 

Be patient with God. 

Never give up on things your heart desires. 

Hold firm to your standards and know what you're worth. 

Remain steadfast in your faith. 

Pray always. 

And know that you are loved more than you will ever know.

xoxo

Adoption: Does it get easier over time?

It's been over two years since my little girl was born and I placed her for adoption. I am not shy about talking about her or sharing my story with people because I believe it is important to change how people think about adoption. I enjoy helping people feel comfortable with starting the conversation and not feeling like it's some taboo subject. Most people will offer me a chance to not talk about it, though. They'll say something like, "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want." And honestly, I have taken that out a couple of times...mainly because there are moments where I am certain I will cry if I keep talking about it and I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable with getting that vulnerable. However, for the majority of the time, I will push that gesture to the side and open the conversation up.

One of the most common questions I get is, "Does it get easier over time?" My answer has varied over the last two years because I wasn't sure...the grieving process is so complicated and the way I was handling everything has been different than other birth mom's I've connected with. Every adoption story is unique, so I always remind myself that it's not strange for me to be in a different spot than others. I also have a wonderful mother who has told me over and over that whatever I am feeling is normal. All of this to say that if I'm being completely honest with myself, I would say that it does not get easier. It still hurts when I think about everything I'm missing out on. I still break down and cry, weep, sob because my heart aches when I remember having to watch her new parents driving away with her for the first time. So no, it doesn't get easier over time. But I have gotten stronger and I've learned ways to cope with the pain. So while some people see me as someone who's done with the grieving process, I know that I've just gotten good at putting on a brave face.

To be honest, having to listen to people talk about adoption or issues like being pro-life or pro-choice, who have never actually experienced it or had to make a decision like this, bring out more emotion from me than those who just ask me about my daughter.

November is National Adoption Awareness Month and it's exciting to be able to speak more about my story during a time when it is getting attention. Like I said in the beginning of my post, it's important for anyone who has played a part in adoption to share their stories. And it's important for people who don't know anything about it to listen. Together we can change the stigma that is attached to adoption.

xoxo

National Adoption Awareness Month

I'll be the first to admit that I didn't really know much about adoption before I found out that I was pregnant. I thought it was something a 16 year old did when they accidentally got pregnant and their mom and dad's forced them to give the baby up. Adoption was this secretive thing that was basically a taboo subject, especially if you were the birth parent. But people who actually did the adopting were to be praised. (And I still believe this wholeheartedly. I adore my daughters adoptive parents and I always will.) But I wanted to help educate everyone on this amazing thing called adoption. It's not taboo. It never should have been and we can be the ones who remove the stigma. 

National Adoption Awareness Month has quite the history...in fact, it originally started as just a week-long event back in 1984. President Reagan started it to help bring to light the need for adoptive families for all of the children in foster care. Then in 1995, President Clinton upped the ante and made it an entire month!  In fact, Clinton asked The Department of Health and Human Services to use this *new thing* called the internet to create a tool that would make it easier for families to find children to adopt in 1998. Despite what you may think about President Clinton, you gotta admit that was pretty cool of him. 

For me, my education on adoption really began after I told my parents about Charlie. You can read my older posts for more on that difficult conversation, but needless to say, we were all in agreement that adoption was definitely the best choice for this little baby. It wasn't a matter of whether or not I would be a good mother or not, in fact I feel like I am an awesome mother for making the decision that I did. But we wanted Charlie to have parents who loved each other, a home that was safe and we wanted her to have every opportunity and advantage for success. She deserves everything and I wanted to give her that. 

I find it ironic now, after reading about Clinton's request for the internet search tool, but I literally started at Google. I just typed in adoption agencies and Bethany Christian Services popped up. I followed the link to their website and found out there was a branch in Des Moines. I gave them a call and was meeting with an advocate a week later. It all happened so quickly and they were so helpful with everything. But it's still crazy to think that I started looking for parents for my baby on the internet. Sure, you can buy a car from some rando on Craigslist, but parents for a real life baby?! Yep, did it on the internet. And to be honest, I think it's amazing that the resources are SO EASY to find because how else are scared mothers who don't know what to do, going to find help otherwise? 

Now, I will say that I'm dumbing down the journey that was actually required to find parents for Charlie...it's not like a dating website where you read a profile and swipe right. But it did start online, and then I got their book, and then I got to meet them. And I loved them. I never had doubts and I still don't. Would you believe that they STILL send me photos of my sweet girl every week, even 2 1/2 years later? That's serious love. 

But I want to go back to my second sentence in this blog. The biggest thing I've learned about adoption is that it's not just for scared 16 year olds. Sure, they are certainly a part of this adoption equation, but take me for example. I was 25, worked a full time job, lived on my own and for all intents and purposes, had a pretty successful life ahead of me. But I'm not the only exception; think of all the birth dads out there. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to make this type of decision for a person you aren't carrying, to have to figure out a way to work with the birth mom to find the best plan for your child. 

But aside from this, I think, or at least I hope, that by myself and all of the other strong birth parents out in the world who are sharing their story, the world will be forced to change their mentality on adoption. It it my prayer that all parties involved in the adoption (birth parents, adoptive parents, families and especially the child) would be treated with respect and love. This shouldn't be a secret or taboo subject to talk about. Adoption is beautiful. It's has saved countless lives. I would be lost without this option. 

I'll be posting a bit more this month because I know I haven't shared a lot lately and I want to help celebrate adoption and truly bring awareness. 

xoxo

Happy Birthday to My Favorite 2 Year Old!

Well here we are...two years into your beautiful and blessed life. Two years since I first saw your sweet face. Two years since I made the hardest decision of my life. And two years more in love with you.

I came home to Iowa to be able to see you during your birthday and I am so glad I did! Though we only shared a few hours together, it was so much fun to see you smiling, learning, laughing, eating, singing and even when you got kind of grumpy was fun to watch. You do this thing where you push your hands together and say, "Nooooooo!!" when you're upset with something. I thought it was pretty cute, and what was even better was how quickly you were back to being your happy, carefree self. My parents have always said I was a very resilient child, and I'm hoping that maybe that characteristic was passed on to you, too!

We brought over Chick-fil-a and cupcakes to your house to celebrate and you loved it! You ate almost all of your kids meal and then you went for that cupcake with your fingers first. You especially enjoyed the frosting and sprinkles!

Next we got to open presents with you! You knew exactly what we were talking about when we said that and it was adorable to see you push your chair away from the table and ask to get down in order to get to the present time. First you opened my present to you, which was a couple of outfits that all kind of intermix together. I got you hot pink because why not!? Plus you look adorable in that color. And someday you may not want to wear pink anymore...so for now, it's pink. :)

Then you opened a little gift my mom had picked out for you and you LOVED it! It was a set of puppets and the moment you opened it, you said, "Yay!" You were able to name a couple of them, too! You knew which was a policeman and which was a doctor. It was at this point that I realized you are a genius. But it was so sweet because you just kept on saying, "Yay, people!" You really seem to love people. Then we played with the puppets and practiced saying, "Hello," to each other.

The rest of our visit was spent playing and you pulling out every single toy that you own to show us. It was great! You are so active and love to play non stop. However, by the time we were leaving, you were pretty tired...I'm positive you went down for a nap the moment we left.

It was honestly a great way to spend a Friday morning/afternoon. I loved every moment of being around you and though you're not much for being held and cuddled these days, the sweet kisses (or sugars as your mommy calls them) you gave me melted my heart.

I am so proud of you and who you are growing up to be. I am so thankful for your mommy and daddy....they are doing such a good job of being your parents! And I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for you!

I love you to the moon and back, sweet child.

xoxo

Mothers Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the momma's out there! Most of you know that I have a very deep love for my mom and I try to let her know every day just how wonderful, beautiful and loved she is. But I do think it's exciting to really give her that *extra* love on this one special day! So to you, my beautiful mom, Happy Mother's Day. I am so blessed that God chose you to be my momma and my best friend.

Nearly two years ago, I also became a momma. And I would still call myself a mom and I have a deep, incomparable love for my daughter. Our mother-daughter relationship is different, though. When I became a momma, I also helped another woman become a momma. I remember choosing her so carefully and I have never questioned my decision. She is amazing and has a very special place in my heart. We both love this little girl so much. My love showed itself early on when I chose to place her for adoption in order to give her the life she deserved and now her new mommy will show her love by raising her, teaching her, caring for her, providing for her and all of the other amazing things that moms do for their children. For that, I am forever thankful to her. What a blessing it is to know that the person I love the most in this world will be cared for.

As much as I am so thankful and blessed to have such special mothers in my life, I still feel a twinge of pain when this day comes. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could be holding Charlie. I wish so deeply that our lives didn't have to be separated...I wish that I never had to even look into adoption and that she could have been born into a solid marriage between myself and whomever it is that I will spend forever with. It's sad, but I know that the way our story has played out thus far is exactly what God had planned. God was with us the whole way and I know he's brought Charlie and her new mommy and daddy into my life for a reason. We were supposed to be family and it's so special that one little girl could bring us all together.

There are some birthmoms who celebrate their motherhood today, the Saturday before Mother's Day. It's a special day to remember those women who never took their babies home, but instead chose to place them with another family. This day is unique because a lot of people don't really know what to say to birth moms, so they just don't say anything. Perhaps out of fear that they'd be bringing up something so emotional and painful for the mom...and that caution is appreciated, but for me, I would rather talk about it than keep it some dirty little secret. My daughter is worth talking about. And if we can start the conversation, maybe more people will know about having adoption as an option in an unplanned pregnancy situation.

So today, this wonderful day that celebrates mothers, lets celebrate ALL of the momma's. We are all amazing and we all show our children love in different ways, but there's always love there. And that is worth celebrating.

From before I could see your sweet face...

 To the first moments I could hold you....

 To our magical time together now, I will always love you.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you!! 

xoxo

Woulda Coulda Shoulda

"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me...Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."

-Shel Silverstein

 

This quote has been ringing through my head for the last 24 hours after having a lovely conversation with my parents last night. Since I've moved to Ohio, I find myself loving the nights when I call my mom and my dad is right next to her. She'll put me on speaker and it's *almost* like I'm right there in the living room with them, just sharing time and laughing together. We'll talk about our days and they are always sure to tell me how proud they are of me. I don't think they know how much that means to me; to have the people you look up to most telling you that they're proud of you...that's something so special. 

 

Last night we had more to talk about because I became "facebook official" with the man I've been seeing for the last couple of months. This is a big deal in our house because we grew up knowing and always remembering to protect our hearts. Having something so personal, like a romantic relationship, put out on a public forum is something to do only when you feel completely comfortable with it. With this in mind, I haven't been public with a relationship status in years. Sure, I've dated people and even had some meaningful relationships, but never were they posted for all to see. My boyfriend is somewhat of a private person, so imagine my surprise when HE took the leap of making US public. 

 

So as I'm discussing this with my parents, I also start to just reflect on why this particular guy is special. Why I feel like I'm OK with us being listed as a pairing on social media. And I happened across the thought that he's the first guy I've seriously dated who shares the same faith as I do. Having this key portion of our lives to discuss, challenge one another and enjoy together has made this relationship different somehow. And I found myself saying that I shouldn't have dated any of those other guys, knowing what I know now. Like why would I waste my time, knowing how important this part of my life is, dating someone who just doesn't believe in God? It doesn't make them bad people, it just doesn't make them the right one for me. 

 

Luckily, my dad was quick to say that there are three words that we, as humans, shouldn't dwell on: woulda, coulda, shoulda. He told me that spending too much time in the past can cloud the present and/or future. So allowing ourselves to live too much in that 'woulda coulda shoulda' world isn't worth our time, but living in the joy that today has to bring is definitely worth our time. And that is exactly what I'm trying to do. I want to fully enjoy my time in this relationship and embrace all the joy that this man has brought to my life. 

 

So to bring it back to the above quote by the wonderful Shel Silverstein, I love how he brings this child full circle from listening to all the negative things the world has to offer, but then quickly reminds the child that despite all of that, anything can happen. Although Shel wrote this a long time ago, the concept is true to life in general. As humans, we are flooded with all these things that are negative, things we shouldn't do, etc...but through all of that, there are lessons to be learned. The time we spend today moving through the course of life, will only help us to fully remember all the amazing things that our future have to bring. Anything can happen, anything can be. 

 

**I realize this has little to do with my adoption or being a birthmom, but this is a lesson that has taken me a long 27 years to learn. And if I can try to impart anything to my daughter as she grows up and navigates through life, I want to. I want her know how special she is and how she should always focus on the beauty and amazing things that surround her.

 

But since most of you come here to see more about Charlie and what she's up to, here's a little photo of my girl in her natural habitat; at the dinner table, with food smeared all around her mouth. (Hand-eye coordination is still a work in progress)

 

 

And here's baby girl working on her dental hygiene....

 

 

She's really growing up! I can't wait to see her in May and then again for her birthday in June! She'll be two! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

 

xoxo