A Note About Him

So I've had some people ask me about the father of Charlie and how he has played into this story. I don't want to dwell or spend very much time on him because I still have a lot of negative feelings towards him, even now. I don't want to write anything on this blog that I will regret or that is said in anger. So I'm going to be brief and factual about him.

He knows that a child resulted in the events that took place that night. He chose to not be an active member/player in the choices made during my pregnancy. He continues to make stupid choices with his life, so I feel like it's a good thing that he wasn't involved with anything. He was served papers to come to court in order to at least have a chance at being a part of Charlies life and he never showed.

He is a coward.

Despite the anger and hurt that I feel, I mostly just feel bad for him. He is missing out on such a wonderful, amazing and extraordinary girl. He will have to live with this forever. I don't think he'll truly grasp the reality of this whole thing until he has children of his own. Seeing your child for the first time is life changing. He missed that with Charlie. He missed her first breaths of life, her first cries, her first noises, her first smile, her first everything. He will miss everything with her. How sad is that?

I also grieve for Charlie. I know that she will, one day, want to know who he is and why he isn't around. I dread the day when I will have to tell her the whole story. Luckily, that time is years and years from now, so I'm not going to dwell on it. I just plan on loving her every moment of her life.

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Everyone's story is different. I want to acknowledge the fact that many fathers who are faced with the difficult decisions involved with an unplanned pregnancy do stand by the mother and become part of the solution. I imagine that it would be quite difficult for a father to create an adoption plan, just as it is difficult for the mother. But for those men who make the right decision, I thank you. I wish more people could be like you. So again, thank you.

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As I said before, I don't want to write any of this post with anger in my heart because I do value him for one thing: He helped me make Charlie. She wouldn't have come into my life, into her new parents lives, without him. Granted a very small part of him was needed, but nonetheless, he helped. I would go through everything again if it meant getting to have her in my life. I don't regret anything when it comes to her. She is worth it all. Creating life is worth it all.

xoxo

What Not To Say About Adoption...

I am so happy that I am able to share my story and help educate people on what adoption, open adoption, and what being a birth mom is like. I have been able to actually share my heart and not feel like it's this big secret that no one can know about. Ultimately, it's just been a relief and I feel like I can just be myself because I have no secrets.

Since I started sharing my story and opening up about Charlie and my relationship, I have been able to have a lot of great conversations with friends and even people I have just met about it. While I know that open adoption is a relatively new concept, and talking about placing your child with two other people to care for her is a little bit uncomfortable to talk about, I just want to educate you on what NOT to say to people involved with adoption.

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There seems to still be this stigma related with adoption that I just cannot tolerate and I need to make myself very clear: The reason I placed Charlie with her adoptive parents was NOT because I didn't want her. If I hear anyone ever say that moms give their children up because they didn't want them, I will seriously go ballistic on you. What would be even worse would be to hear someone tell a child that their parents didn't want them and that's why they are adopted.

PEOPLE: ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!!

I want Charlie so bad it breaks my heart every day. I LOVE her more than she will possibly know...at least not until she has children of her own. That is the only way she could understand the love a mother has for her children. The idea of letting her go to these other parents was heart breaking, but I knew that it was the right thing. I wanted her to have all that they could offer her. I couldn't give her a father, a home, stability, etc. What is amazing is that the things that I could offer her, like love, grace, advice, cuddles...I still get to give her those things. She will always get that from me. So please-don't question my desire to "keep" her.

I did keep her when I chose to give her life.

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Another thing that bothers me is the wording that is given to adoption. I did not "give her up." I placed her with two parents who will be adopting her. I literally chose these two human beings for her. I did not make that choice lightly and I have no regrets about the parents I gave to her. I love them so much and they love her and I just as much.

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One question that is, to me, a silly question....it almost makes me laugh, actually: Was it hard?

Was it hard? Um. YES. It was hard. It was hard for everyone in my family. It still is hard. It's even hard for the adoptive parents. They struggle with feelings of guilt, like they took this child away from me. There will be hard parts of this whole thing for our entire lives. There is no doubt that adoption, from all aspects, is hard. OBVIOUSLY. I just pray that God will grant all of us enough love and grace for each other so that we can move through these "hard" moments and continue to do everything that is in the best interest of Charlie. She was not hard. She was the best part of all of this.

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Finally, one thing I wish had never happened to me was an encounter with a complete stranger while I was still pregnant with Charlie. I was maybe 25 weeks along at this point. I was still working at Lane Bryant and was helping a customer in her dressing room when we realized we were both pregnant. It was exciting at first because we could share stories about how our pregnancies were going, but when I started talking about how I was making an adoption plan for her, she decided she would offer me some "woman to woman" advice. What she said next will forever haunt me and it still makes me sick. She told me that she once found herself with an unplanned pregnancy a couple of years ago. She didn't find out until she was about 20 weeks along, and she thought about keeping it, but ended up googling ways to force a miscarriage. She gave me the specifics of how to do it and suggested that I do the same because doing adoption would be so much harder. As she was speaking to me, I literally felt myself getting woozy, light headed, sweaty and most of all, nauseous. I had to run to the bathroom to make it to a toilet in time.

Was this lady for real?! She just told me how to kill my child. The child that I had just been to the doctor to see. The child I had picked a name for. The child I was already madly in love with.

So for those of you who think you may know what's "best" for women who find themselves with an unexpected pregnancy, don't even start. If you support a woman's choice to do what she wants with her body, then let her make her own choices.


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Well that pretty much sums it up....if I come across anything else, I'll be sure to add it to this blog.

Basically, a good rule of thumb when talking about adoption is to do so in love. Let your words be spoken with a positive spirit because it deserves to be a positive occasion. Adoption is beautiful. Really, really beautiful. Lets start to make it that way.

xoxo

Today Is A Big Day!

So today is a pretty important day in the adoption process for our little Charlie. In order for her new parents to be able to pursue adoption, my and the father's parental rights had to be terminated. I signed a document several weeks ago in order to terminate mine, but because the father has not been an active participant in any of this, they had to summon him to court. That court hearing was today, and (shocker) he didn't show up, so the judge is then allowed to sign over his rights for him. So now that we have moved passed this hurdle, the new parents can officially start the adoption process!

I was so excited to get this news today, I immediately wrote a little message to the mom and shared my joy for her and their family. She was crying tears of joy and relief as she had also heard the news. It really is so beautiful to see how excited and happy they are to be given the opportunity to raise this beautiful little girl. She will soon become part of their family forever and I am so excited for them, but more importantly, I'm excited for Charlie. She has such amazing parents in these two people and will have a truly beautiful life ahead of her.

Little Charlie is starting to really take in the world...in the pictures I get, she seems to really be looking around and observing what a wonderful place God has created for us. She has also been more smiley and seems to be developing quite a personality! She loves people and being social...her mom was telling me that they had friends over the other night and Charlie wouldn't go to sleep until after they had left. She's like me that way...doesn't want to miss all the fun! Can't blame her, she's so loved by all of her new family and friends. Who wouldn't want to spend time with them?

Well, here's to the beginning of a wonderful, rich, blessed and loving life for you, sweet baby girl. Wherever your heart may take you, I will always be there. I love you so much! Can't wait until you are able to really understand just how much I love you!!

 

xoxo